


The Eighties Are Forever

by RamboBrite



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben has it bad, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Instant Connection, Rey & Rose Tico Are Best Friends, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey falls so hard, Rose has serious mom friend energy, Soft Ben Solo, Strangers to Lovers, Tags Are Fun, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), did I mention the eighties?, eighties AU, like over the top eighties, so eighties, the author has a lot of feelings, the author has done entirely too much research
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:20:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 87,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22487815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamboBrite/pseuds/RamboBrite
Summary: A chance meeting at a local bar has Rey meet a tall dark stranger while out with her friends. Can she be his Lady in Red and can he Take Her Breath Away in this over the top eighties AU romp?
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Phasma, Finn & Rose Tico, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Zorii Bliss/Poe Dameron
Comments: 96
Kudos: 146
Collections: reylo trash





	1. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

_NYC, Early June 1987_

“Gin & Tonic with a Twist” Rey said with a sigh when the bartender asked her to “pick her poison”. She fidgeted on the barstool, adjusting the bust of the tight-fitting red velvet dress. It wasn’t her style, but Zorii had lent it to her after she had tried to evade Rose’s invitation out by telling them “I have nothing to wear”. Zorii, had broken up with her boyfriend, Poe, again and had proclaimed that she needed a girls’ night. Rose had been pleading with Rey to come out with her two roommates for the entire last semester, and she’d always managed to come up with an excuse, but now that summer was finally here she had lost her ability to put it off by feigning a study session.

For all of that, she sat alone now. Poe had found out where they would be that night and had come out to beg for Zorii’s forgiveness. Rose’s boyfriend, Finn, who was also the best friend of Poe had joined him and between the four of them they had completely forgotten Rey was with them. Zorii had stormed out the back, where Poe inevitably followed, and they were likely in the process of “making up” as Rey had seen them do several times before. A Madonna song had come on, and Rose had grabbed Finn’s hand excitedly before shooting a quick guilty look at Rey. She had assured her that she was fine, she was enjoying herself, and Rose should do the same. Rose had rushed off to the dance floor with a smile and a “thank you” thrown back to Rey.

Rey sipped on her drink, pondering how long she should sit there before she could reasonably leave and catch a cab back to the small apartment that she shared with Zorii and Rose in the Village. She felt ridiculous sitting here alone in a bar and thought that she looked even more ridiculous. Rose had demanded to do her hair for her, and before she knew it, her brown locks had been teased and hairsprayed out to twice their normal size.

Rey was swirling the lime around in her gin and tonic when a voice to her right asked “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?” She turned to look at a gangling red headed man. He leaned on the bar, a smirk on his face after delivering what he must have thought was a charming and witty line. This was the last straw for the night, and Rey rolled her eyes, picking up her drink and hopping off the bar stool. As she turned to leave she felt a hand on her wrist and a “Hey, wait a minute”.

With the reflexes of a snake, she turned around and emptied the contents of her drink in the direction of the hand. As she spun around, she saw a second man behind the red head had taken the brunt of the throw. The hand on her wrist released, and with an air of unthinkable grace given the circumstances, the dark-haired, tall man addressed her with “I’m sorry for the rudeness of my coworker, miss. Is he bothering you?” This seemed to be the cue for the red head to retreat, and he scuttled away as Rey gazed at this new addition with a mix of horror and relief. Relief that she was spared his friend’s advances, and horror that she had thrown her drink on an innocent bystander.

She hastily grabbed a napkin and started to blot the droplets off the man’s leather bomber jacket. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t- “

“It’s ok,” he cut her off. “Hux frequently inspires this sort of display from women. I just got caught in the cross fire. I’m Ben, by the way.”

“I’m Rey,” she replied, looking up at his face with a blush of embarrassment. He wasn’t conventionally attractive, his ears stuck out a little far, and his nose seemed a little big for his face, but there was something about his eyes and the way that he carried himself that struck her.

“Well, Rey, it appears that you no longer have a drink. Would you allow me to replace it?” The line was delivered so smoothly that Rey found herself agreeing, despite her earlier plan to leave.

He made small talk with her as they waited for their drinks, and after they arrived.

She told him about how she was waiting to start her master’s program at NYU in the fall, whiling away the hours of the summer at a little boutique in SoHo owned by Zorii’s older sister. He told her about how he worked at the stock exchange, and how he was trying to get his broker’s license. She told him how she was only here because of her roommates, and he relayed how he had come out with Hux after a stressful day at work. She found herself laughing as he made a joke about their mutual situation, the gin in her drink making her feel a little fuzzy around the edges.

A Def Leppard song started to play, and the bar seemed to vibrate with the new energy that the song brought on to the crowd. Ben downed the rest of his scotch, setting the glass down a little forcefully on the bar and looked at her.

“When in Rome?” he asked, extending a hand out to her, moving his head toward the dance floor. She hesitated for a moment, then with resolution put her hand in his and let him lead her out. Even in Zorii’s borrowed heels, she barely reached his shoulder. They weaved around people as they made their way to the center of the crowd.

They bobbed up and down to the song that everyone had heard over and over on the radio the previous winter. The dance floor was warm, filled with the heat of everyone’s bodies rocking along to the music. She found that she was having fun in spite of herself as they sang along to the chorus of the song, locking eyes with a smile.

The song ended and Rey’s heart hammered in her chest from the exertion. “A little something slower for the _lovers_ , “ the DJ drawled through the chatter of the bar and the first notes of “Heaven” started to flow out over the dance floor.

The floor cleared a bit, leaving only couples, and Ben held out his hand again, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “One more?” Rey took his hand and he drew her in close, his other hand falling to her waist. His hands were warm and strong, and Rey’s heart continued to pound, no longer due to the dancing. She rested her head on his shoulder, surprised with her familiarity, but the alcohol made her bold.

She breathed in his scent which was nearly as intoxicating as the drink he had bought her. He smelled slightly sweet because of the tonic water that was still drying on his shirt, but he also smelled like the leather of his jacket, and some intangible masculine scent that was all his own.  
  


They swayed together as he led them on the dance floor, and Rey pulled back to look at him. Ben’s eyes fell on her lips and she held her breath slightly as his hand came up to her face. She closed her eyes, but instead of a soft touch she had a hard hank on her shoulder. She whirled to find Zorii and Rose looking at her. Zorii had been crying and her normally impeccable mascara ran down her face. Rose looked at her apologetically as she and Ben jumped apart.

“I can’t be here anymore” Zorii said, her voice breaking angrily. Rey didn’t think that Zorii was really noticing what she’d interrupted, and with a sigh she nodded. Rey looked at Ben as Rose led Zorii toward the exit. She bit her lip a bit, not quite sure how to say goodbye to someone she remembered that she’d only just met.

“Erm, I have to go, my friend, she – “

Ben held up a hand to stop her. “No, I get it, she seemed a bit…out of sorts.”

Rey held down a chuckle, looking at Ben, then averting her eyes to the floor as his chocolate gaze caught her once more.

“I guess, I’ll just…go then?” She started to turn away to follow her friends.

“Wait,” he said nervously, seeming to struggle with the next few words. “Can I, I don’t know, call you sometime?”

She turned back, a shy smile lighting her face. “I don’t have anything to write with”

“Oh!” he said, reaching into his inside jacket pocket and pulling out a pen. “Never leave home without a pen, first rule of Wall Street,” he joked after catching her quizzical stare. She cautiously took it, and with sudden resolve took his hand in hers. She scrawled her number onto his palm, and as an afterthought scribbled a little heart after the digits. If she was going to give her number to someone she just met, she might as well go all the way.

“It was nice meeting you, Ben” she said rather lamely, the distance between the two returning as the mood left completely. She turned to hurry after her roommates, and he blankly waved after her as she went.

Rey recounted the events of the night in her head as she half listened to Zorii say that the girl Poe had been flirting with showed up just as she was in the middle of forgiving him. A blush spread across Rey’s features as she thought of the difference between the suave Ben who had bought her a drink and the shy Ben who had struggled to ask for her number. She wasn’t sure if she wanted him to call her or not, but she supposed that at least the night hadn’t been all bad.

Rose observed Rey from the corner of her eye quietly as she comforted Zorii. Rey was normally reserved and withdrawn, preferring to stay home and study rather than come out like tonight. She beamed inwardly at the change, even if only for the night. She’d have a lot to tell Finn when she saw him the next day. Rose thought to herself how nice it was that for once, Rey was just a girl like her roommates, with the entire summer ahead of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter down! I had a fever dream about an outrageously eighties fic with Rey and Ben. Here is my thought dump.


	2. Heaven is a Place on Earth

_NYC, Late June 1987_

It took a week for Rey to stop leaping for the phone every time it rang in the apartment. She didn’t know if she could handle another telemarketer trying to sell her the latest craze in VHS fitness.

It was another week after that before she stopped demanding that someone pick up the phone every time it rang, despite her roommate’s insistence that they had an answering machine. It had been a gift from Zorii’s father the previous Christmas. Even Rey had gotten into the spirit of things when they had set up their outgoing message. She still smiled anytime she heard it play out “ _You’ve reached Zorii, Rose and Rey! You can’t reach us on the phone. But leave a message. At the tone!”_ It had taken them several tries to get it just right as they took turns on the machine. That night had ended with them all in a fit of giggles when they finally got it perfect.

She really appreciated her roommates who didn’t seem to hold it against her that she was painfully shy at times, borne out of a long childhood moving from foster home to foster home in London. As soon as she had finally settled in one place, she was moving to the next and had never really had time to adjust to any one family. Her longest stint had been with a mean-spirited man named Plutt who hadn’t exactly inspired familial affection. That had been the worst as he had only been in the foster care business for the money it brought in. She had lived with a few other children that came and went and had learned quickly that it was best to stay out of Plutt’s way rather than try to bond with him. After that she had drifted around, burying herself into the only form of stability that she had, her schooling. Even if she was passed from school to school, they all taught the same curriculum and eventually she found herself passing with flying colors on her A Level Exam.

She hadn’t really thought much about going to university after she was free of the foster system, and it wasn’t exactly like any of the families she had stayed with encouraged her. But a few teachers had coached her through the applications, and she had taken the opportunity to run as far away from London as she possibly could. She had anxiously awaited the post every morning, and when the fat packet of acceptance had arrived from the American university, she could have cried she was so happy.

So, it turned out that she was accepted into the engineering program at NYU, the only girl in her small class. She had quickly met Rose, and then Zorii, and for some reason they both had taken to her. Rose said it was because she “ _had a feeling about her”._ For whatever reason, Rey suddenly had more friends than she had ever had before, and she thrived in her program. Of course, she still had to deal with the occasional arse in her classes who made crude jokes about her to cover their jealousy as she shattered the curve that might have saved their grades.

Four years seemed to fly by in an instant and the three girls went from living in the dorm rooms of NYU to a small apartment, mostly funded by Zorii’s family. Between the three girls and the boys who had melded into their little circle, Rey found happiness. She had convinced herself that she was completely content until Ben had come along and connected with her on that dance floor. It wasn’t like she hadn’t been on dates or been kissed before, but there was something about the way that he had so effortlessly led her out of her own insecurity and made her forget for a short time all of the reasons that she didn’t trust new people.

Three weeks had gone by and she doubted if she’d ever hear from the tall stranger again. She tried to hide her sighs of disappointment from her roommates who had gushed over the details of her encounter.

It was just as she had completely given up on him, that suddenly the phone rang. She ignored it from her room, and her roommates were busy getting ready for a double date night. Their message played followed by a loud beep and suddenly she heard a deep voice “Hey Rey….it’s Ben. You know, from the bar? I guess you’re not in right now but– “

She had never moved so quickly in her life, but she wasn’t as fast as Rose who picked up the phone, stopping the answering message.

“Ben! _The_ Ben?” Rose outmaneuvered Rey as she struggled to get wrest the phone from her grip. The two tangled in the phone cord as Rose continued to croon into the phone receiver. “Like, I can’t believe you waited this long to call back Rey”

Rey tackled her to the floor as deep sounds, unintelligible to anyone but Rose, emanated from the phone. Finally, Rose cackled as she passed the phone to Rey. “It’s for you”. Rose scrambled away to Zorii’s room, barely stifling her squeals of laughter. Rey shot her a dirty look, before quickly lifting the phone to her ear.

“Oh, hi. Ben, right?” she said, attempting to be cool. It was an exceptional feat considering she was completely out of breath after her tussle with Rose. She picked up the phone and went as far into her bedroom as the cord would allow.

“Uh yeah,” he said from the other, a hint of embarrassment at her supposed nonchalance. “We met a few weeks ago? You gave me your number?”

“Oh, right, Ben,” she said, almost impressed with herself given that she wasn’t exactly selling her act.

“Uh, I just wanted to call and ask if you’d like to, I don’t know, go out…sometime?”

She was silent on the other end. Internally she was doing somersaults, but she still had a hint of hesitation brought on by the radio silence from him over the last three weeks. She wanted to say yes but bit her lip nervously.

“With me?” he interjected into the quiet, his voice growing more embarrassed and rushed on the other end. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t –“

“I’d love to” she said, cutting him off mid-sentence. She could hear a loud exhale on the other end, and she tried to not let her smile show in her voice as she started to chastise him. “But, it’s been quite a while, I don’t know if I can wait another three weeks to find out the particulars.”

“Sorry about that,” he said, feigning calm, “I just got a little…busy at work. But I’d love to make it up to you, this weekend, maybe?” He saved himself at the last, and she smiled at how he seemed just as anxious as she was. It made the flirting somehow easier when they were on equal footing.

“Sure. Where would we go, though?”

“Anywhere you want.” He said with purpose.

“Anywhere, you say?” She tapped her chin for effect, even though he couldn’t see her. She thought of it as if inspired. “Coney Island.”

“Coney Island?” he said, a slight air of disbelief in his voice.

“Coney Island.” She repeated firmly. “You did say anywhere.”

“So I did. Coney Island it is. God, I haven’t been there since I was a kid.”

“I’ve never been,” she said, her tone bittersweet.

“Really? You can’t say you’re a real New Yorker until you go at least once,” he replied, suddenly alight with excitement. “So, Saturday? I can pick you up in the morning, maybe 10 am?”

She was about to answer when she heard Zorii and Rose squeal into the phone with a “She’d love to!”

She let out a sigh of frustration, imagining that this must be what it was like to have siblings.

Ben just chuckled, letting her go with a “I’ll see you on Saturday, Rey.”

“See you then” she said quietly after the click. She clutched the phone to her chest, collapsing backwards on her bed before doing a little dance. Before she knew it, Zorii and Rose had barreled into her room, swarming her.

“Oh my God!” Zorii gushed. “That hot guy asked you out!” Rey wasn’t surprised that Zorii had remembered Ben’s male attractions despite her state the night they had met.

Rose was even more alive with enthusiasm, happy for her friend’s good fortune. “You have to let me do your hair again!”

“No.” Rey said firmly. “It took me two days to get my hair back to normal last time. I had to wash it four times!”

“But you did look totally hot,” Zorii interjected, not forgetting that her wardrobe was at least in part responsible for helping Rey snag this newcomer.

“Totally,” Rose agreed, refusing to drop the subject. “Like, at least let us help you get dressed.”

“What’s wrong with what I have now?” Rey said indignantly, gesturing at herself.

“Ugh, Rey. Not to be rude, but your fashion sense is tragic,” Zorii said unsympathetically. “What’s the point of working in my sister’s choice boutique if you’re still going to dress like a total spazz?”

“Hey!” Rey said, in an attempt to defend herself, but Zorii cut her off, continuing her tirade.

“A button up shirt and baggy vest don’t exactly have the mega hotties searching for your best assets. And afterall you have all the right equipment. Plus, don’t you have contacts for a reason?” she asked, pulling Rey’s large glasses off of her face.

“They hurt my eyes,” Rey complained, snatching back her glasses. She could feel her friends closing in and knew they would win this one. “Fine!” she shouted, and her friends giggled and hugged her in close. She couldn’t help but smile in their embrace, and she laughed as they started to pressure her to recount the entire conversation in excruciating detail. Saturday couldn’t come soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want each chapter to follow the beat the title song sets up, so they might vary in length, but I'm hoping to publish around 3k-4k words per update, even if it's multiple chapters.


	3. Tainted Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little bit dark, but the next one will be better.

_NYC, Early June 1987_

Ben hadn’t intended to find someone who he genuinely connected with when he grudgingly went out with his coworker for drinks. He hadn’t intended to do a lot of things. In fact, the only thing he had really intended that night in particular was to be incredibly drunk at the same bar that Bazine was going to be at.

The alcohol had made him daring, and it had seemed like a good idea, when he spotted the lonely looking girl at the bar, to try to make Bazine incredibly jealous. She was pretty enough, and the red dress hugged her curves in all the right places.

Of course, Hux had spotted her first and in true form had managed to bungle the entire thing. He went over to intervene as he saw Hux grab onto her as she turned to leave. The next thing he knew he was drenched in a lime-flavored gin and tonic. Well, if that wasn’t completely typical luck. Somehow, he managed to smooth it over and for whatever reason, she had decided to continue talking with him.

As she spoke he noted her accent, and couldn’t help but be entranced by the way she articulated about her schoolwork. One thing had led to another and before he knew it, his plan to show her off in front of Bazine had given way to something more. It was a lot easier to talk to her when he didn’t care if he saw her again, but she was smart, funny, charming and his nerves almost got the best of him. Impulsively, he had asked her to dance, and they had shared the start of a moment on the dance floor. That was until her friends had interrupted them and suddenly, she was gone.

He stared at his hand where she had given her number in a tidy scrawl. He could still feel the press of the pen as she had put a little heart at the end. He massaged his palm with his fingers, and the corner of his mouth perked up in a semblance of a smile.

He remained lost in thought for a few minutes, when a voice like a bucket of cold water called out to him across the room. She spoke his name in a low rasp, and he turned to look at his one-time girlfriend, Bazine. Hux had told him that this was where she usually prowled, and it was the only reason he had come in the first place. The contrast between the girl who had left and the girl who stood before him was jarring. Where Rey had had an air of even-tempered sweetness to her, Bazine had a smirk and an air of petty contempt. She looked at Ben’s open palm, and her eyes lit up with vindictive glee.

Almost as if reading his mind, she teased him “You know, if you didn’t want to seem so desperate, there are a lot better ways to do it than coming to my favorite bar and trying to hook up with some random girl in front of me.” The words stung with their truth, but he gritted his teeth.

“Hello, Bazine.”

“I don’t see anyone around, though,” she feigned a glance about the room. “What a shame.”

“Did you have a point in coming to talk with me? Because if you didn’t, I think I’ve been embarrassed enough for the night,” he turned on his heel ready to leave, his ego already bruised enough, when he felt slender arms encase his torso.

“You know, you don’t have to go home alone,” Bazine’s smirk was audible as she whispered in his ear.

He turned to look at her. It was too much. “You ended things with me, not the other way around. I don’t know what you’re playing at.”

“I figured you just needed time, you got boring in rehab. And fat.” Bazine simpered to him, and a wave of self-loathing rushed over him at her words. He had reached a healthy weight again during his stay at the rehabilitation center. He had nearly lost his career, his family and his life in the downward spiral of cocaine that he had scraped tooth and nail to escape.

He could still remember yelling vitriol at his mother as she had signed the paperwork to keep him against his will in the center. Her face had been blotchy from bouts of ongoing tears and he felt his own degradation down to his very core. They had tried to have an intervention with him a couple of years back, but he hadn’t listened, and had distanced himself from his mother and his father who had only wanted to save him from himself. Their disappointment in their only son was something he wouldn’t be able to forget.

He had started to use when he began his job with the firm, but he had convinced himself that it merely social. He was only using because it’s what everyone around him did, and it was a great way to end a stressful day watching the traders on the floor. He remembered the rush of euphoria he felt the first time he inhaled a line. Eventually it started to consume his thoughts and he found himself in the bathroom more often than not just to get through the day.

Bazine was also a user, and at first, he thought she was with him because she saw something about him, but he eventually figured out her true motive. She was always around a crowd with easy access, never purchasing for herself. It wasn’t hard to do; she was a beautiful woman with few qualms about getting close to anyone who might have her next fix.

When he had been found by her in his apartment, breathing shallow, almost nonexistent, she had been the one to call 911. She had quickly left after making the call, not wanting to be around when the police and the emergency responders arrived. They had managed to bring him back from the very brink, and he had woken strapped down to a bed while his parents swum before him. His head pounded and he could only catch every other word as his parents talked with the doctor who had saved him.

He caught bits and pieces of “see this all the time” and “for his own good”. He still had refused to see his own problem, and he had sulked and shouted through every mandatory meeting in the facility that his parents had placed him. They had tried to visit him, but he had refused to see them.

Eventually, when it felt like he would never be able to leave, the last vestiges of physical addiction finally subsided. His appetite returned, the color started to come back to him and the pit of depression that withdrawal had thrown him into began to recede.

It was an uphill struggle, and slowly Ben engaged in the meetings, filled with people of similar backgrounds as his. He had been tested for AIDS at the center and thankfully was clean. Bazine had been one of his only partners, they always used condoms, and he had never gotten into freebasing the drug. He had vomited into the doctor’s trash can with relief after they gave him the news, his paltry meal swishing in his stomach with anxiety.

Within a couple of months, he looked and acted well enough that the doctors started to discuss release, and he had to try to find his bearings again in the world _after._ He started to accept his parents visits again; his father was understandably still angry with him, but his mother accepted him back into their lives with open arms. They were not thrilled when he announced his intention to go back to work at the same firm, and they tried to remind him about how the doctors had recommended a clean break. But, for some reason he couldn’t place, Hux had vouched for him and he still had a place, albeit lower on the corporate totem pole. It didn’t make much sense since they were barely tolerable to each other, but he didn’t question it too hard. He still had to make his rent, after all. His boss, Mr. Snoke, had clapped him on the back on his first day back, and talked to him in hushed and cryptic tones about how this kind of “extended vacation” happened to even the best of the traders, but to try to keep it toned down in future. He assured him that his future with the firm was still bright.

Bazine had, of course, ignored his calls after the incident. When he was out of rehab and could go see her in person, she had made it quite clear that unless he had more of her white drug of choice, that he should make himself scarce. After that he had spent a week of nights drinking at home, still trying to stay away from the clubs where he knew he would be sorely tempted.

A few weeks whiled away in this fashion, and he was starting to come back to an equilibrium, when Hux suggested drinks after work. Hux didn’t seem to have any other options as few people liked a brownnoser, but Ben wasn’t exactly swimming with his former social circle either. He was going to respond with a resolute “no” to the offer, when Hux casually mentioned that it was Bazine’s favorite bar. The enticement was too much for him to overcome and he submitted. He didn’t know what he had planned to do, but he figured he would make it up as he went.

All of that brought him back to the present, where Bazine was rubbing his shoulders in the way that he liked. The alcohol lowered his defenses and he only nominally tried to make her stop. He was sure that he would regret it in the morning, but he allowed himself to get into a cab with her that night.

What they did couldn’t be termed “making love”. He didn’t know what to call it, but it was fueled by hatred, for each other and for themselves. He woke in the morning and felt sick, whether from the hangover or from finding himself back in Bazine’s bed he couldn’t tell. He left as quickly as he could, thankful that at least Bazine had been fresh out of cocaine. He ran a finger through his messy hair in the elevator, trying to bring it to some semblance of order.

As he brought his arm down, he remembered the inked digits on his hand, faded slightly after a long night of…well he didn’t exactly want to describe it. He thought bittersweetly of the girl he had met and thought of himself with disgust. He couldn’t call her after what he’d done.

Still, he copied down the number from his hand when he got home, shoving the slip of paper into a drawer in his nightstand. There it stayed as he called his sponsor, explained what had happened the previous night and tried to remember all the things they had told him in his sessions about “relapse triggers”.

On Monday at work, Hux didn’t seem to hold it against him that he had intervened with Rey. In fact, he almost took it as a point of pride that he had “wing-manned” him; as if that had been his purpose all along. Eventually, the feelings of loathing in Ben subsided and his sponsor suggested that he give this girl a call, after he had casually mentioned her to him. It was something along the lines of “building healthy habits” and “fresh relationships not tainted by the past”. He had rolled his eyes and stubbornly held out, but his eyes drifted to the drawer on his nightstand more and more often.

Three weeks passed by him and he was now filled with dread at the prospect, even though his longing to pull her number out only intensified. There was no way she would pick up his call or give him a call back. Girls like that were meant to be adored and called the very same night, not several weeks after the fact. Ultimately, on a Thursday night, he threw caution to the wind; he couldn’t possibly make it any worse. He started to dial and hung up at least ten times before finally pressing the last digit.

Her answering machine. He listened to the cutesy metallic sounding message on the other end before finally starting in with, “Hey Rey…It’s Ben”.


	4. Walking on Sunshine

_NYC, Late June 1987_

Rey fidgeted as she waited on the sidewalk outside her apartment building. Her friends had treated her like a dress up doll, and she was sporting a pair of acid washed jeans that went to her belly button, a tight red off the shoulder shirt and a denim jacket to complete the ensemble. Rose had even put her hair up with a bow in a way that Rey _knew_ she had picked up from a picture of Madonna. She felt a little silly, but her friends had assured her that she looked “totally bodacious”. She figured at least she could move around in the outfit this time.

Ben had called the day before to get her address, but he hadn’t really said how he was picking her up. She kept looking around and her heart sped up a bit every time a car would slow down. Other than a few honks, though which she rolled her eyes at, she hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Ben

To be fair she had gone down to wait almost fifteen minutes early, but she didn’t want to leave anything to chance. She shifted her wait and went to look at her watch again when she heard a dull roar from down the block. When she looked up see the source of the noise, she saw the unmistakable figure of Ben in his bomber jacket. She groaned internally. He hadn’t told her that he had a motorcycle and he cut an attractive figure as he sped towards her. As he caught sight of Rey waiting for him, he slowed and stopped in front of her. He turned off the bike, parking it on the curb as he got up and stretched.

“Wow,” he said, taking in her appearance, “You look great.”

“Um, thanks,” she said awkwardly, a blush creeping across her tanned cheeks. “You…You didn’t tell me you drove a motorcycle.” It was all she could do to change the subject, averting her gaze from his striking brown eyes.

“Oh. Yeah.” He said, a hint of embarrassment in his voice too, “I hope you don’t mind. It was my dad’s and I figured it would be better than being stuck on the subway. It’s such a beautiful day out, and all.”

She smiled at his mutual shyness, clearing her throat a bit. “So, should we?”

“Oh, yeah, totally.” He helped her get onto the back of the bike and showed her how to hold onto him while riding. She cautiously put her arms around his middle. He was solid and warm, and she felt herself grab him more firmly as the bike roared to life once more. He started off slow but picked up speed as they maneuvered around cars.

He had been right; the day was beautiful. She enjoyed the sparkle of the sun on the water as they crossed the Bridge into Brooklyn. The Statue of Liberty was beautiful in the bay. She had loved the poem that hung on the Lady’s pedestal, and it had appealed to her as she sought escape from her childhood. It had partly been the reason she had chosen New York City, and four years later she had grown to love the busy streets where you could get as lost as you wanted in between the rise of the skyscrapers. The streets teemed with life of all shapes and sizes and when you stood in Central Park and closed your eyes, it was like you could hear the city breathing around you.

She loved the feel of the wind in her hair as they raced down the streets of Brooklyn. There were buildings here that still reminded her of a far-gone time in the city’s history. The large public works projects that threatened to completely change the landscape of Downtown hadn’t touched many of the structures. It seemed somehow more organic here than in Manhattan, and it felt like a memoir to the past.

She found herself burying her face into the crook between his shoulder blades, inhaling the scent of leather and his cologne again. She hoped he wouldn’t notice and would think she was just trying to hang on as they sped towards their destination. His heartbeat under her hands soothed her and if she could have been assured that she wouldn’t fall off, the steady pulse and the hum of the motorcycle engine would have put her to sleep.

All too soon the intimacy of the ride was over, and Ben parked his bike. Rey reluctantly released him and hopped off the back, stretching her cramped legs. Ben ran a hand through his windswept hair to help tame it and Rey couldn’t help but utter “No, don’t. I like it that way.” She didn’t know what had come over her and she immediately fell mute as he paused and looked at her for a moment. He stopped trying to fix his hair though and didn’t comment on her outburst.

He turned to her expectantly as he asked, “So, Rey. This is your party, where would you like to go?”

She colored a bit at the question, hesitantly saying “Well, I hope you won’t judge me too harshly, but I’m not really sure what there is to do. Zorii and Rose, my roommates that is, said there were a lot of rides and things. I’ve never been on any before though.” The admission of her rather limited experience wasn’t something she had anticipated telling him, but he didn’t have to know the details. She wasn’t ready to tell him that she had never been to a carnival as a child or a zoo or an amusement park. She cautiously glanced at his reaction, but his face seemed blank as he took in the information.

Gradually though, he smiled lightly and told her “Well, then, I guess I’ll have to show you the ropes.” He held out his hand to her and she looked at it for a moment before delicately placing her own within it. His hands were strong like she remembered from that night at the bar, and hers felt right inside of them.

They started by going to the aquarium where he gallantly paid her $3.75 admission despite her protests and offers to pay her own way. Inside she marveled at all of the fascinating creatures. Two beluga whales greeted them, playfully intertwining with each other in a perpetual dance. She gasped at an electric eel that showed its impressive powers to a voltage meter inside its tank. Every kind of sea life imaginable seemed to be here. Ben seemed most impressed by the shark tank and piranhas but waited patiently for her as she cooed over the penguins. They saw seals and dolphins and even got to touch some of the fish in the exhibit in the touching pool. This alone would have been a perfect day for her, but Ben insisted that they had only just begun.

They spent a large part of their time wandering down the boardwalk, observing the street performances and they indulged in cotton candy. He made sure to take her on every ride that Astroland offered, and on the Cyclone rollercoaster twice. He never liked that one much as a child, but Rey was thrilled by the sudden drops and twists on the wooden rollercoaster.

He let her pummel him in the bumper cars and he enjoyed the childlike wonder in her eyes at all of the new experiences. Her nose crinkled when she laughed, and he couldn’t help but stare at times. He didn’t think she noticed as she was so absorbed in the sights and the sounds of the miniature world around them. Their shyness faded fast and soon they were lost in conversation whenever they weren’t distracted by some attraction or other. They had already figured out who each other’s favorite bands and songs were, and he teased her a bit for liking Bon Jovi since “You completely ignore his musicianship because you girls are too distracted by his tight pants”, while she thought that AC/DC was overrated. “Don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoy them, but when that’s all that you hear in the supposedly _quiet_ study hall for four hours straight during finals week, it gets old.”

They discussed their coworkers and friends, how Poe and Zorii were officially _on_ again, and how yes, Hux had refused to take the single white glove off for at least six months when in public after work. They worked through nearly every topic they could think of and then circled back again to discuss them further.

Ben tried his hand with a strong man game, winning her a small prize which he considered too small given that he had hit the bell with ease. He complained about how she should have gotten one of the larger prizes reserved only for those who greased the game man’s hand. She had sniffed and said that that was cheating, and she was perfectly happy with the small stuffed bear that he had placed in her hands: she didn’t need one of those large prizes anyways. He secretly swelled with pride at her praise.

They spent so much time soaking in every bit of fun she had been denied in the past twenty-three years that by the time they reached their final stop, the Wonder Wheel, she was blissed out. They quieted as they loaded into the small car that would take them to the very top of the Ferris wheel. The sun was setting over the boardwalk and she didn’t think she’d seen more perfect colors in the evening sky. She nestled into the crook of his arm as they ascended the wheel. It seemed like the perfect end to the day. The car groaned and rocked as they stopped at the top.

As the sun dropped below the horizon, she turned to look at him. He was very close, and she could feel the warmth of his breathing on the small space between them. Her heartbeat picked up and began a rapid pounding that she was sure he could hear. His gaze met hers and she watched as he started to lean in and then suddenly stopped, his eyes focusing above her. “You have a spider in your hair.”

What happened next was neither romantic nor graceful as Rey let out a screech and started to flail around to get the tiny arachnid out of her hair. Somehow, Ben managed to procure it from her locks and slam it against the side of the car. The moment was gone, and the wheel creaked back into gear, as it began the decent to the earth. He coughed shyly as he helped her out of the car and back onto the ground. They wandered back to the bike in silence and he mentally berated himself for missing his chance.

Rey walked slightly ahead of himself, and he felt a shove from behind as someone pushed past him and snatched something from Rey’s grasp, running away towards a dark part of the street. Without thinking, Ben ran after, his long legs nearly overtaking the would-be thief. He had almost caught up with him when suddenly the man’s elbow came up and caught Ben squarely in the face. He stopped his pursuit and Rey ran to him panting and holding a stitch in her side.

“That was crazy! Why would you chase after him? What if he had a gun?” she scolded him, her voice rising in pitch and he held his hand to his nose as it started to bleed.

“What did he take?” Ben asked, ignoring her panicked queries.

“He took the bear you won me,” she said, only just realizing that the man had not absconded with her purse as must have been his intent, but the prize Ben had given to her earlier in the day. Her eyes were alight with disappointment in the loss. She almost wished he _had_ taken her purse. She only had a paltry sum in cash and a few odds and ends, instead of her treasured possession to remember this day.

“Figures,” Ben said in clipped tones. This day hadn’t ended as he’d planned, and the loss of the cheap stuffed animal seemed like salt in the wound. Speaking of wounds, Rey noticed Ben’s overflowing nose and jumped into action, pulling out her own handkerchief to stem the bleeding. He took it and pressed it to his face. He didn’t think his nose was broken, but damn did it hurt.

“C’mon,” he said to her, “Let’s get you home.” They hopped on his bike and rode back to her apartment. They could both feel the distance that the unexpected end to their date had occasioned. He sighed as he parked his bike on the curb again.

He walked her back to her door, kicking himself the entire time. The shyness and guards that they had spent the day dismantling seemed to all be back up again. He gave her back her handkerchief, completely soiled and with a heave of his chest turned to leave.

“Ben, wait!” she said, impulsively grabbing the front of his shirt and in an unpracticed and clumsy manner brought both of their foreheads crashing together. He let out a yowl of pain as they collided. “Oh, god, I’m so so sorry!” She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. “I thought it was such a horrible end to the night, and I didn’t want to leave it like that and now your poor head.” She rambled on taking his face into her hands to inspect the further damage.

She was going to continue with another string of apologies, when suddenly with a fervor in his eye he locked onto her gaze and swiftly moved into to gently press his lips to hers, cutting her off entirely. She was stunned for a moment, but quickly leaned into the embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck. She tasted copper on his lips, but also him. He flicked his tongue across her bottom lip, and they met in the middle for just a moment. Her heart started to beat fast and it was like something exploded in her chest at the feeling of euphoria brought on by his kiss. The sudden release of tension made her feel almost giddy as they parted. He smiled at her, a full toothy lopsided grin, and she smiled back. She pressed a second tender parting kiss to his lips, and he wished her a goodnight.

She waved to him as he got back on his bike and when she walked into the door of the complex she could have positively collapsed with elation. Little did she know, that Ben was doing similar mental acrobatics at the decidedly good end to the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The music that I picture playing for their kiss. Feel free to listen or imagine your own :)
> 
> [The Big Kiss](https://youtu.be/4N1iwQxiHrs?t=140)


	5. Hungry Eyes

_NYC, Late June 1987_

She had been overwhelmed by her own bliss after her date with Ben that she barely noticed her roommates who pounced on her the moment she crossed the threshold of their apartment.

The first thing Zorii noticed was the blood on her face. “Oh my god, was it that bad?”

Rey shoved her playfully and explained what had happened as Rose and Zorii gathered round listening intently. She recounted the entire day (twice no less, once for the basic events and the second time so her friends could pick apart every detail) and told them how Ben had faced off against the almost purse thief. They seemed to find his action braver and less stupid than Rey had pictured it and swooned at his heroism.

“Oh my god, he like totally saved your life,” Rose said dreamily, moon eyes on Rey. “And you gave him your handkerchief. It’s like something out of a fairy tale.”

“It didn’t seem that romantic at the time,” she interjected, but was overruled.

“You _have_ to invite him with us next weekend.” Zorii said firmly, brooking no argument. “My parents totally won’t mind. They’re not even going to be there; it’ll just be the six of us.” Rey smiled at the thought that her roommates were already counting Ben as one of _us._

“Oh, I don’t know if – “ Rey started.

“Rey, like seriously? Your new boy toy doesn’t want to come hang out at our totally awesome house, on one of the most romantic places in the Hamptons, because….why? As if. You’re inviting him.” Zorii commanded, rolling her eyes at the protests.

So, she had, and he had accepted. They talked every night after the date like teenagers, sometimes for two or three hours at a time. Zorii and Rose tried to hold in their complaints given that they had boyfriends who might want to call too, but eventually they had to intercede. “Ben, Rey has to work in the morning. It’s time to go to sleep.” Rose was stern as she talked through Zorii’s second phone.

“Sorry, Rose,” Rey said sheepishly, “Just give us time to say goodbye.”

“Whatever you say,” Rose sighed, a smile behind her exasperation. She had truly never seen Rey so out of her shell, and she felt bad having to discourage their late-night conversations.

“Well, I guess, I’d better wish you a good night, or else your mom might get me,” Ben teased through the phone receiver.

“Rose means well, and I really do have to work tomorrow,” Rey said, disappointed that time had stolen away from them so quickly. It was madness that it was already pushing midnight when it seemed like they had only been talking for a few minutes.

“Goodnight…beautiful,” he tacked on the endearment on the end as if trying it out for size. She started a bit but smiled at his compliment.

She couldn’t think of a complementary pet name for him, so left their conversation at, “Good night, Ben. Talk to you tomorrow.” It was like a game on who would hang up first but she was only barely keeping her eyes away as it was, and let the receiver fall back on its handle.

The next day, she had a mission besides her regular shift at the Silk Star Boutique. She had to get a new swimsuit. She hadn’t had much occasion to use her old one, except this yearly pilgrimage to the Hamptons with her friends, and somehow, she had lost it when they had moved to their apartment from the NYU dorms. Now it was an emergency as it was Thursday and they were leaving for Montauk the next day.

She covertly checked the swimsuit section, not wanting to arouse Zorii or Rose’s suspicions lest they volunteer their expertise on the subject. She was holding out a red one piece with a low back for inspection when she felt arms wrap around her middle, picking her up from the ground. She squealed and Zorii and Rose came running, looks of surprise on their face. They relaxed as they came upon the scene, and she occasioned to look up at her assailant.

Ben had her still suspended in the air and she wriggled free, laughing and punching his shoulder congenially. Her roommates averted their eyes and pretended to go back to folding clothing, but she knew they were listening intently for every detail.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded, attempting to make her voice sound stern but failing miserably as the smile on her face widened at this surprise.

“I took a long lunch to come see you,” he said, and she hushed him, beadily eyeing her roommates who tittered from the corner of her eye. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Ben, I couldn’t possibly leave, I have to –“

“Deal with all of these customers?” he volunteered in a whisper, glancing around the empty store. It was true, he had come at one of their slow times, the usual rush of visitors had ebbed as many concluded their lunch hours.

Zorii cleared her throat from across the room and called out for her “Oh, Rey.”

Ben looked at Rey’s friends, and back to her noticing for the first time what she was holding. “You should…you should buy that.”

“Oh,” she jumped slightly at his comment, looking at the swimsuit. “Do you think so?”

“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat to hide his embarrassment, “But you’d look great in anything, honestly.” She blushed, and Zorii coughed loudly, scarcely bothering to mask her impatience.

“Um, give me a second,” she said to Ben, and ran over to her friends.

“What,” she hissed, and Zorii sighed loudly with frustration while rolling her eyes.

“What are you waiting for?” she asked, “A formal invitation?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your lover boy, you, you have at least a fifteen-minute break that you haven’t used yet? You’ve covered for us at least a hundred times at this point, go on. If you take a little longer, none of us are going to tell,” she shooed her hand at her and Rose nodded in agreement.

Rey bit her lip, looking at her friends, “Are you sure?”

“Yes!” Rose cried, pushing Rey back toward Ben.

“Oh, fine,” she relented. “I’ll be back before too long, though” She pushed the red swimsuit into her friends’ outstretched hands and they motioned for her to go. She glanced in one of the mirrors on the wall, knowing it was too late to do anything about her appearance. When she worked, she had to keep up a certain level of style, but she opted to look as low key as she could. Today she had her long brown curls swept over in a deep side part and a baggy off the shoulder sweater over some jeans.

“Ben, try to make sure she still looks decent when you bring her back,” Zorii called loudly, and Rey grabbed his hand to quickly pull him out of the store, a blush rapidly coloring her face.

“Ok, now if you’re quite done embarrassing me today, what was your plan,” she said turning to him, and he grinned at her, no hint of shame in his smile. She noticed he had a dimple the popped out when he was truly smiling.

“I don’t know if it was really that well thought out,” he mused. “My plan sort of stopped after, ‘surprise girl at her job’. I seemed to have accomplished that much at least.”

“Apparently,” she said, raising an eyebrow at him. She tapped her chin, thinking, “what about gelato? I know a really good place around the corner.”

“Rey Jones, I would _love_ to get gelato with you,” he said pulling her in close.

She laughed, putting space between them again, “Ben Solo, I think you truly are quite a scoundrel.”

“I think you need more scoundrels in your life,” he said, brushing her hair back behind her ear. He went in to kiss her and she laughed, playfully evading him. They ran to the small stand, both beaming and ordered their frozen treat. She had chocolate, and he vanilla.

“Vanilla?” she questioned, as they walked with their cones. “Isn’t that a little…boring?”

“On the contrary,” he expounded, “Vanilla is actually quite exotic. The Aztecs loved to add it to chocolate,” he gestured to her cone, “and the flowers grow three hundred feet off the ground on vines. The flowers only bloom for twenty-four hours, and if they aren’t pollinated then the flower wilts and dies. For the longest time it could only be pollinated by a specific type of bee native to Mexico. Honestly, vanilla is a fighter and it’s really a surprise that it even exists at all. It’s anything but _boring._ ”

“Oh,” she said, entranced by his explanation, mesmerized by the way his lips moved and the passion he had for the story. She cleared her throat to break the silence after he finished. “Well, Mr. Vanilla, you have some on your face.”

“Where?” he asked, dabbing at his face with his fingers.

“Right here,” and without hesitation, she pushed his cone right into his nose. She laughed at his reaction, mischief in her eyes.

“Oh, you’re going to get it,” he responded, wiping his nose off with the back his hand. He grabbed her hand and airplaned her own cone right at her face, smearing it around for good measure. She squealed with laughter, trying to fight back. She struggled in vain against his grip some more, and eventually they slowed looking into each other’s eyes and breathing heavily.

The next thing they knew, their lips were crashing together in sync. His hands roamed over her back, and hers ran through his hair. Their cones had dropped in the struggle and they stepped over them, retreating into an alley. He pushed her against the brick wall, and she moaned as they tried to push their bodies even closer together.

His tongue parted her lips and she bit on his bottom lip. This made him shudder with pleasure and she used the momentum to flip him, so his back was to the brick wall now. She had to stand on her toes to reach him, but she didn’t mind. His hands found room to wander now and she found one moving downwards to the curve of her back, the other venturing further south and cupping her gently.

She her pelvis tilted into him and could feel him between them as they continued to caress each other with the enthusiasm of teenagers. She didn’t have much experience with this, but she liked that it only took a kiss from her to get this reaction.

With a massive amount of willpower, she pulled back from him. They were both slightly breathless as they started to remember themselves. She smoothed her sweater which suddenly felt far too warm, and he adjusted himself as inconspicuously as he could, not meeting her eye.

“Um, I think my break is over,” she said regretfully.

“Oh, yeah. I mean. I should probably get back to work as well.” He coughed lightly to help ease the tension and held out his hand to her. “Let me…Let me walk you back.”

“Okay,” she said quietly, a smile on her lips as she placed her small hand in his, reveling in even this smallest of touches. It was like an electric current passed between them where their skin touched and she felt giggly all of a sudden.

He led her back to Star Silk, and kissed her nose before backing away, their fingertips the last thing to part. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” she replied with a happy eagerness.

“We can take the bike,” he called, distance now making it harder to hear, “I have the whole weekend off.”

“Sounds good!” she called out and waved to him before going back into the shop.

Rose giggled slightly at the sight of her, trying to keep it together as she got out “So. Did you. Have a good time?”

“Oh, you know, we just got some gelato,” Rey tried to play it off casually, picking up a stack of clothes to start folding so she could look busy.

“Oh, I see that,” Rose replied, nearly losing it. Rey looked at her with confusion, and Zorii rolled her eyes, bringing over her compact to show Rey her appearance.

“At least wipe your face off before coming back.” And the two of them finally gave into hearty peals of laughter at their friend’s expense. Her entire face was still smeared with chocolate. She snatched the mirror from Zorii’s hand and wet her fingers to try to scrub the evidence off.

After the laughter died down some, Zorii came over and tossed her a small bag, wrapped in the Silk Star’s tell-tale branding. “Here, it’s from both of us. Think of it as an early birthday present.” Rey looked inside and saw the bathing suit she had intended to purchase. She swelled with emotion for her friends’ generosity and brought them both into a hug. She couldn’t wait for the start of their annual trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended this to be a single chapter, going into the trip, but the length made me realize this needed its own chapter and song title.


	6. Boys of Summer

_Montauk NY, Early July 1987_

Rain poured outside, and Rey shivered as she tried to bring herself closer to Ben and the warmth he gave off. They were stuck in a cave on the Montauk shoreline trying to wait out the storm so they could get back to Zorii’s family beach house. He took off the tanktop he was wearing in a desperate attempt to help her, wrapping the pitiful amount of fabric around her shoulders. She smiled at his attempt at chivalry, even if it didn’t really help to guard against the wind the whirled in the entrance in sharp gusts. At least they were sheltered from the lightning and thunder that boomed in the charcoal sky.

She thought about how they’d gotten themselves in this situation and found the entire thing highly amusing, comical even.

It had all started a couple of days ago when they had left the high rises and loud noise of the city behind them. Luckily, Zorii and Rose had been too busy planning their own wardrobes to dress her up like their own personal doll again. At first she was happy about regaining some autonomy in the way she presented herself to Ben, but now was looking at her pitiful wardrobe with irritation.

She cursed the system that had robbed her the stability and opportunity to learn about how to be a _girl_. She held up one item and then another, threw it on the bed, then moved on to the next. Eventually, she fell back on her bed, frustrated. She had a few pairs of shorts that might be acceptable that she had acquired through her time in New York, likely bought on command of her more stylish friends. A top or two that she might be able to work in. Luckily, she only had to come up with a couple of outfits, but, Christ, why was it so hard?

Rose knocked lightly on the door, then entered, peering around the door. “Doing alright?”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me I had nothing to wear?” Rey sighed, annoyance in her voice. It had never mattered to her before what she looked like, and she figured a certain level of natural beauty was enough to get by without trying too hard. Now….Well, now was a different story.

“Oh, well, this one isn’t _so_ bad,” Rose said helpfully, holding up one of the rejects skeptically. “Ok, fine. But it never mattered much to you, so we didn’t really press the issue.”

“Not helping,” Rey said, banging her head into her pillows. Rose came over onto the bed with her, and Rey snuggled with her a bit.

“We can get this all sorted out,” Rose said with a small squeeze of her friend’s shoulder. She got back up and started to sort through the pile, explaining how this shirt would look best with this pair of pants, these shorts were best with this tank top, and how she really needed to throw this dress completely away since no one had worn something like that since the 1970’s. Rey took mental notes during the barrage of information, trying to keep it all sorted. Eventually they managed to cobble together a wardrobe for Rey that would work for the trip. Rey tenderly tucked everything into her canvas duffle bag and readied herself for bed.

The next day she said goodbye to her friends as they made their way to the train station; they would all meet back up at the summer house and Zorii and Rose were looking forward to a couple hours of uninterrupted time with Finn and Poe. Rey had chosen to wear a pair of high waisted shorts today in the searing heat, and she had a coral pink tank top tucked into them. She had bought a pair of wayfarers on a lark, but thought they made her look “totally bitchin” as Poe and Finn might have said.

She heard the Falcon motorcycle come around the corner again and ran out to wave for Ben. She saw him smile as he slowed down. He helped strap her duffel on the back of the bike, and they were off. She enjoyed the feel of the sun on her back intermingled with the breeze from the speed and the city faded away in background. The countryside was beautiful, and she was only accustomed to seeing this part of Long Island by train. Here with her arms tucked around Ben she loved the sights and sounds of the entire countryside preparing for the Independence Day celebrations. She knew a vast part of the population in the city would flood out to every beach and small town in New England for this weekend and she was ecstatic to be a part of it. There was something about the energy the Americans had when they celebrated that was always _big._

She found her hands drifting up past the hem of his shirt as they rode. He tensed at first, but relaxed as she slipped her hand under the shirt and drew little circles on his collar bone and his chest, running her fingers through the sparse hairs that grew on his sternum. She was excited about the prospect of three uninterrupted days together on the beach.

The salty smell of the air grew stronger and they reached the furthest part of the Island. Rey shouted directions over the roar of the bike and held on tighter to him with one arm when she needed to point the way. They navigated through the tourist trap of Montauk and up a couple of steep hills to a cottage sitting on the beach.

The sea breeze, towering light houses, and shining waters of the coastal town was undoubtedly one of her favorite parts of the summer. They had taken the scenic route to kill time, but still managed to arrive before their friends. Their train likely wouldn’t arrive for another half hour or so. Rey fished under the mat on the deck and procured the shiny silver key, and Ben wandered in after her, laden down with both of their bags.

“So, is now the time to give me the grand tour?” he asked, smiling at her.

“Right this way, sir,” she said, exaggerating a gesture to the house. He set their bags down in the kitchen and followed her. “So obviously that’s the kitchen, down this hallway is the den and the bathroom. And up these stairs are the bedrooms.”

They ascended the stairs, her steps quick and light, his footfalls heavier after a long trip on the bike. She stopped at the master bedroom, “This is where Zorii and Poe will be,” at the next, “This is where Rose and Finn sleep,” and as if doing the mental calculation for the first time she opened the door of the last bedroom. She smiled nervously and gulped as she said, “And, I guess this is us.”

The twin size bed had never seemed smaller, and to be fair, she had never needed more room, but now it dawned on her the implications of three bedrooms and three couples.

Ben, as if sensing her nervousness interjected, “I can always sleep on the couch if you want. It wouldn’t be the first time – “

“Um, no. You can…you can sleep here. If you want,” she said quietly, turning her eyes to the floor. “I…I wouldn’t mind.” The admission took everything she had, and Ben observed her calmly.

“Ok,” he said gently, resting his forearm above her head so he could lean close to her face. With his other hand he cupped her cheek and her heart started to race at their closeness. She closed her eyes, and he pressed a gentle kiss to her open lips. He would have deepened the kiss, but they heard the back door open and a cacophony of sounds from downstairs. He settled for kissing her nose, admiring her freckles from this close distance, and resting his forehead to hers before moving apart. They went down to greet her friends who were also dressed in their summer attire.

“Yo, are you guys ready for a killer weekend?” Poe asked with enthusiasm, visibly excited. “And you must be Ben,” Poe said catching sight of the newcomer, “I hear you’re the one our little Rey Rey is- _oof_ ” He was cut off from whatever likely rude thing he was going to say by a swift elbow to the gut from Zorii.

“Sorry for my boyfriend’s hellacious manners,” she said, flashing a charming smile as she shook her glossy golden ringlets. “No one ever taught him how not to be a total dweeb. Not for lack of trying, I might add.” She shot Poe a look, but Finn was already laying it on him with a huge laugh.

“Dude, she totally got you,” Finn laughed at his friend who was just standing back up, rubbing his stomach where Zorii had socked him.

“Bite me,” Poe retorted, pretending that he was going to hit Finn in the groin. Finn jumped back with practiced ease, laughing some more and Zorii rolled her eyes.

“Can you two like, take a chill pill? Rose, please?” Zorii gestured to Finn as if asking Rose to get him under control. Rose took the hint and grabbed Finn’s arm, pulling him in close and he cleared his throat, chastised.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you all,” Ben said, holding out his hand to shake their hands. Poe and Finn laughed a bit at his formality, choosing instead to pull him in by his hand shake and chest bump him.

“He’s funny, Rey,” Poe said, laughter in his eyes as he looked at Rey who was sheepishly shifting in place. “Anyways, let’s get this party started!” The group took just enough time to take their luggage up to the respective rooms before barreling back down to start on the holiday weekend.

Rey explained the makeshift itinerary from her past few summers with her friends. They would likely tool around the shops in town until dark, have dinner at one of the seafood restaurants, and have a bonfire tonight. Tomorrow would be the big celebrations: a parade, a day on the beach and a firework show at dusk. Sunday they would get ready to make the long trek back to the city, but until they did the day was theirs. Usually Poe and Finn were too hung over to venture very far from the cottage by that point, and Zorii and Rose like to stay close to nurse them. Rey on the other hand like to walk along the beach, watching the crowds dissipate, and enjoying the privacy it afforded her. She usually picked up shells to bring back with her. Ben listened with rapt attention to this account of their plans, nodding along.

He took her hand as their friends came down and gave it a gentle squeeze. The six of them piled out the door, and spent the day wandering from shop to shop. The entirety of the main street was decked out in full star-spangled glory for the big day tomorrow. Ben let Rey lead him from shop to shop, showing him her favorites: a used book shop that had covers worn with age, but where the books all smelled like magic, a sweet shop that gave out samples of little chocolates they had shaped to look like little birds, and an antique store where every item had a history. Rey liked to pick up an item and try to make up a story for it as she walked through.

She held out a spotted doily, “Ok, so this one. I bet it was made by a rich old lady in a mansion in Maine. She vacationed here and left it to hide the evidence.”

“Evidence?” Ben questioned.

“Yeah,” Rey said, a glint in her eye, “From when she killed her third husband after she caught him having an affair with the maid. She thought she’d cleaned up their bodies until she saw the blood spatters left on the doily. They wouldn’t come out, so she had to figure out how best to hide what she’d done. She couldn’t keep it, obviously.”

“Obviously. And why wouldn’t she just, I don’t know, burn it,” Ben asked, his eyebrow raising with skepticism.

“That would have aroused too much suspicion, much better to hide it away and just leave it where no one would think to look,” Rey retorted matter of factly.

“Well, since you’ve made such a case, it must be true,” Ben said, amusement in his voice as he teased her.

“Ok, your turn,” Rey replied, “How about…. that lamp.”

“Um,” Ben said, “A couple got a new lamp and decided they didn’t need this one.”

“Oh my god,” Rey said, her voice sounding fascinated “I don’t know how you managed to make up….. the most boring story that I’ve ever heard.” Ben looked thoroughly unimpressed at her sarcasm. “Didn’t you ever make stuff up as a kid? C’mon, try again, but this time try to come up with something really good.”

“Okay, okay,” he held up his hands in front of him. He thought for a minute and started, “How about…. There was a millionaire who commissioned five identical lamps and he hid his fortune inside of them. He was dying and he wanted to pass on his money, so he sent them out to antique stores around the country, hoping that someone would buy the lamp and break it open to reveal solid gold bars.” Ben seemed impressed by his spontaneous creativity and waited for Rey’s judgment.

“Hmm…. Solid enough. Although I’m pretty sure you ripped off Willy Wonka,” she said, still teasing him right at the end.

“Oh really?” he replied, poking her in the side and finding her ticklish, continued until she swatted him playfully away. He looked at his watch and said, “It looks like it’s almost time to meet everyone for dinner.”

Rey sighed and put the doily back where she found it among the abandoned tchotchkes and knickknacks. “I guess you’re right, I guess we’ll just have to come back next year and hope you’ve practiced some more.” Ben’s heart fluttered at hearing her say _“next year”_ , but he just smiled at her.

They all gathered at the crab shack near the boardwalk and feasted on every kind of seafood they could order. At the end of it, Ben took the check and Poe and Finn both nudged Rey to signal their approval. Rey secretly thought that he hadn’t needed to do that but appreciated the gesture and didn’t question it.

That night, the group sat around the bonfire passing around a fifth of some kind of bottom shelf liquor that Poe and Finn had brought, each taking it in turns to wince at the taste before handing it to the next in line. The alcohol gave Rey that fuzzy happy feeling again and she found herself leaning into Ben and he responded by pulling her closer to him. They sat around and told each other stories, or rather they listened to Poe and Finn bullshit them with their stories. Ben even got involved in heckling them and Rey felt like she was enveloped in happiness. She started wishing that this summer could go on like this forever as all young people do who find love in the hazy heat of the middle months.

Eventually everyone started to yawn, the boys drawing in their girls with meaning behind the transparent touches.

Poe and Zorii were the first to retire with a feeble, “Oh, we’re beat. So beat. Definitely gonna turn in now.” Rose and Finn followed suit not long after, leaving Rey and Ben on the beach alone. The fire was burning out in low red embers, but they could see each other’s faces illuminated by the moon shining on the sea.

He rubbed her back and turned to look at her. It didn’t take much coaxing before he was kissing her again, at first tender but gradually increasing in intensity. They found themselves laying in the sand, Ben on top of her in a tangle of limbs. She could feel him again as he ran his hands over her, but this time she had a nervous nagging feeling. She kissed him a little while longer, but when it seemed like he was ready to go farther than they had the previous day she pushed on his chest, slowing and stopping his methodical kissing on her neck. She felt herself both wanting to continue and not, and the “not” won out.

“Everything ok?” he asked, rolling off to the side of her, and rubbing his thumb on her cheek.

“Um, yeah,” she said, quieting, “I just…Can we take it a little slower? I mean, we haven’t even talked about whether we’re, y’know, boyfriend and girlfriend yet…. You’re not mad, are you?”

He smiled at her query and her wanting to use terms like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. It was easy to forget that she was five years his junior. It was actually refreshing given his recent history. “Of course not,” he assured her, looking into her eyes with sincerity until he knew she believed him. “We can go as slow as you need. We have plenty of time.” He held her close as she lay on his chest, drawing little circles with her index finger. He traced similar circles into her shoulder.

“You can stay with me tonight, though,” she said softly into his chest, “if you still want to.”

He could kiss her again full on the mouth but settled instead for kissing the top of her head. He could smell the sweet scent of her shampoo, and he nuzzled into her soft locks as he brought her close to him in a hug. She seemed to like the feeling and eventually with a great effort they both got up and wandered back to the beach house, tip toeing past the rooms where light snoring could be heard.

They had to be creative to both fit into the small bed but opted to spoon. She fit beside him perfectly and he kissed the back of her neck as they started to fall into a deep slumber, still in their clothes. She fell asleep before him, making a little jerk before settling into sleep with small snuffles. He listened to the rhythmic rise and fall of her breaths and just thought absently to himself that he could marry this girl someday. The thoughts were on the edges of his perception before his own sleep and he wouldn’t remember them the next morning, but when the night did overtake him and he fell out of consciousness, he did so with a smile on his face for the first time in as long as he could remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just part one of the Montauk trip. There will be second part that will get us back to the cave from the beginning of this chapter.


	7. True Colors

_Montauk NY, Early July 1987_

As the sun creeped above the horizon the following morning, casting its first rays on the faces of Ben and Rey, she started to stir and stretch, pushing her toes out as far as they would go. She brought them back to rest on his feet. Ben was incredibly warm, and she didn’t feel like getting up, but she knew eventually the urge to pee would overwhelm her. She would fight it as long as she could though and nestled backwards into his embrace. His arms tightened around her waist at her movement and he murmured slightly as he dozed in and out of that last stage of dreamful sleep. She got goosebumps at the feel of his breathing on the back of her neck. She colored slightly at the feel of him against her back. She cleared her throat a bit, nudging him in the chest with her shoulders.

“Ben?” she whispered. He didn’t respond and she shoved him a little harder. “Ben!”

He groaned as he started to come to wakefulness again, his arms grasping her as he started to plant sleepy kisses on the nape of her neck. “Good morning,” he murmured happily, stifling a yawn and nuzzling into her.

“Ben, you’re….well, your-your….um,” she was at a loss for words, and it took him a second in the sleepy haze to take her meaning.

“What?....Oh! Sorry about that,” He rolled away from her a bit, laying himself flat as he waited for the inevitable come down. Rey, whether consciously or not, was not making it go any faster though as she rolled over to lay her head in the crook of his shoulder, grazing her nails gently over his chest. To distract himself, he tried to engage in conversation. He asked her if she was looking forward to the parade and she responded that it was one of her favorite parts of the weekend beside the firework displays that would boom like cannons that night. The continued to talk about the upcoming festivities and eventually he felt like he could suggest that they get up and around.

“Are you hungry?” she asked. “We can go see what’s in the fridge. Zorii’s parents are always in and out of here during the summer, so there should be something for us to eat.” He acquiesced as a grumble from his stomach seemed to confirm his appetite.

She got up first, grabbing some things from her duffel bag and sidled down to the bathroom to change. He did the same in the small room, shedding the shirt and shorts that still smelled strongly of wood smoke. He ran his hand through his hair and groaned loudly as he stretched his arms above his head. The feeling of pins and needles in his arm subsided as he shook out his limbs. His arm had fallen asleep, quite viciously he noted, while she was on his chest, but he wouldn’t have told her to move for all the money in the world. He happily paid the price for his gallantry with his tingling extremity.

When he came down to the kitchen, he found Rey already there, surrounded by a pile of ingredients. “It looks like we’ve got a pretty good selection, and I even found this!” she said, triumphantly holding up a package of bacon that she had found hidden in the freezer. He smiled at her enthusiasm and they set about figuring out how to put the ingredients into a coherent meal.

Luckily Zorii’s parents had spent the previous week at the cottage so the milk was still good, there was orange juice and the eggs were fresh. Between the two of them, they managed to make pancake batter mostly from memory and scrambled the rest of the carton of eggs. The smell of the bacon seemed to be the catalyst for the rest of the household to awaken and they heard their four companions descend the stairs. Zorii’s curly hair was sticking up and she didn’t look like the usually polished version of herself, Rose was yawning fiercely, and both of the men were at first too hungover to do more than grunt.

Eventually as everyone started to comprehend the spread before them, alertness and excitement began to return.

“Oh my god, you guys are so sweet,” Zorii intoned and there were nods and murmurs of agreement from the around the kitchen. Not everyone could fit at the small breakfast table, so they spread out into the living room and onto the deck, leaving the door open to catch the cool breeze of the morning. Rey hid her smile in her glass of juice at the appraisal of her friends.

Once the food was cleaned out, they put the dishes into the sink and prepared for the parade. It would be mostly down the main street but would circle back and finish down a nearby street. Rey liked to be near the beginning of the parade route so she could see all of the colorful floats and the band before they grew tired of the trudge in the July heat. The crowd tittered with anticipation as the drum major prepared the band, and the color guard got in position. Suddenly when the crowd’s eagerness was reaching its peak, with a great roaring of brass and clashing of symbols, the first notes of “The Stars and Stripes Forever” sprung forth from the marching band. Rey joined in the hoots and hollers as the music gave new life to the gathering throngs that threatened to overflow into the narrow road.

Ben observed Rey’s excitement at every new float that passed by, some of them spectacular, others so homemade that he was surprised they managed to complete the route, but all bedecked in flashy red and blue. And why shouldn’t they be? Every scrap of news or bit of footage told them they were winning the Cold War and that America was at a global height never before seen. Ben found it all a bit too much at times but didn’t begrudge Rey her innocent enjoyment. Rey reached her arms out to catch the bits of candy and beads that were flung into the crowd from each float. He could watch her smile like that forever.

As the parade came to a close and the crowds dissipated, Finn and Poe found them and rejoining the rest they all made their way to the crowded beach after grabbing the essentials from the cottage. They were loaded down with beach towels, an umbrella and a volleyball as they ran through the sand.

The girls all laid down towels to sunbathe, taking off the majority of their clothing until they were left in only their swim suits. Rey self-consciously removed her shorts, revealing the new red bathing suit. It was high waisted with a low-cut top as was the fashion of the day, and Ben moaned internally at her. Her appraisal of him in his open button down shirt with the small spandex shorts seemed to be equally well received. Rey noted that he was mostly hairless except the small bit in the center of his chest and a line of hair that went from his belly button to…She shook her head, blushing at the thought.

Poe and Finn lined up to rub tanning lotion on their ladies’ backs in a practiced manner. Zorii who was up on her elbows, flipped her sunglasses up, raising a quizzical and slightly judgmental eye at Ben, pointing her eyes meaningfully in the direction of Rey. He took the hint, and Rey didn’t seem to be opposed to this. Hunching over her, he poured some lotion onto his hands and rubbed the cold balm onto her back which was nearly all revealed in the swimsuit. She let out a shiver as he touched her for the first time but relaxed into his touch as he awkwardly lathered her skin with the coconut scented cream.

The men left the ladies alone, as was custom and engaged in a friendly game of volleyball, if you could call Poe and Finn ganging up on Ben friendly. The two of them claimed that it was just because he was so much taller than them. They all stole glances every so often back at the girls lined up like a row of flowers. The squeals of children laughing, and the seagulls overhead filled the day, and after an hour or so the boys grew bored and Poe quickly developed an idea with a smirk.

“Hey, Ben!” he called while the aforementioned was distracted. Poe served the ball with a fervor, shooting past Ben who fell to the ground in the attempt to catch it. It sailed far over the net and landed with a splashing of sand right next to the girls who all let out shrieks of surprise as they were covered in grit. Ben looked apologetically at Rey who was just as incensed as Zorii and Rose; it looked like she had been dozing.

“Now, if you ladies are done baking, perhaps we can _actually_ do some swimming?” Poe said, sweeping his arm in a welcoming gesture to the sea. As the girls got up, shaking the sand from their fronts, they threw the ball back at Poe, where it hit him square in the chest with a thud. He laughed, still victorious in his aim at rousing the women.

They spent the next few hours switching between games ranging from Marco Polo to chicken fight. Rey let out a whoop of delight as Ben swam under her and situated her on his shoulders. From this vantage point she was higher than her opponent, Rose in this instance, and they used the high ground to win. Rose laughed as she emerged from the sea, spitting salt water out.

The rest of the day passed in this manner, split between spurts of swimming, volleyball with an evenly matched set of teams (Rey and Ben being the newest pairing were put on opposing teams, and Zorii and Poe swore he let the other team win), and building sand castles. They really only had a small bucket, but Rey built hers with fervor and Ben was glad to help. Eventually as the day wore out Ben and Rey found themselves wandering down the beach, the surf washing over their feet as they passed. They were holding hands again and Ben savored the feel of her in his palm. The fireworks started over the ocean and there were cries of delight as each successive boom and show of light faded against the night sky. If Ben could have imagined a perfect day, he probably wouldn’t have gotten this close. They spent a quiet hour secluded on the beach, perfecting their kissing technique before making their way back to the beach house. They fell asleep that night as they had the night before, but their bodies were exhausted, and their hearts were full.

The next morning, Rey woke up with a bladder full to bursting. She gently extricated herself from Ben’s grasp, careful not to wake him. Tiptoeing back into the room, however, she noticed something shiny in the front pocket of his bag. Curiosity got the better of her and she pulled out the line of foil packets with a start.

A fury stole over her and she threw them at Ben, startling him into sudden consciousness. “What are those?”

He looked at the line of condoms that she had hurled at him. “What do you mean?” he asked, comprehension and surprise dawning on his face.

“I mean, why did you bring those with you,” she snarled, her eyes lit with a fire. “Did you think that we were going to…going to?”

She stormed down the stairs and out the door and he leapt up after her. The morning sky was dark, darker than it should have been, but it matched her mood.

“Rey, wait!” he called, overtaking her. “I just wanted to be prepared.”

“Prepared for what?!”

“You know what!” he said, having to shout to be heard over her. “Why are you so upset? It’s not exactly like I acted upon it!”

“Was that your plan all along: get me here, seduce me and then what?” she was shouting and crying at the same time, not really even listening to reason.

“I thought that something might happen, yes, but obviously things changed,” he reiterated, but she was already storming back down the beach. He was tired and ill prepared for this level of vitriol this early in the morning. His frustration won out and he grabbed her upper arm, jerking her around to face him. “What’s your problem?!”

She pulled her arm roughly from his grasp but seemed to be breaking down instead of preparing for a fresh assault. She stared stubbornly at the ground, tears pricking at her eyes. “I’ve never….I’ve never done _it_ before. Are you happy now?” she admitted in clipped tones.

Understanding washed over him at this girl who was still so young admitting her own inexperience and he softened immediately.

“Rey, I –“ he went to go touch her and she still resisted his embrace. “Damn it, Rey, I’m trying to talk to you.”

She looked at him with a hard look, daring him to tell her that she was mistaken. “So talk.”

He sighed as the gales picked up around them. He took her by the shoulders and leaned down, so they were eye to eye and little droplets started to fall around them. “Rey, I would never force you to do something you weren’t ready for. I meant what I said the other night. We can go as slow as you want.”

“Then why did you have so…so many?” she asked, tears overflowing from her eyes.

“I don’t know,” he said dumbly, “I just. It was stupid, I guess. I should have talked to you first.” She timidly stepped into this grasp and he held onto her gently. This girl of his already had won over so much of him.

The rain started to pour down with gusto now, and he cursed under his breath. “Ah, shit.” They had traveled farther than he originally thought from the house. He looked around, taking in their surroundings and their options. A small cove nearby seemed to be their best bet for the time being. He took her hand and ran to the tiny shelter. “The storm must have come in overnight.”

At least in here they were blessedly dry. He took his shirt off, wrapping it about her as her lower lip quivered violently and gooseflesh prickled on her arms and legs. “Come here,” the command was gentle but firm and she obeyed, settling onto his lap. He rubbed her arms, hoping the friction would help soften the chill. Eventually she settled, her shivers slowly subsiding, and he listened to her steady breathing.

“Now,” he started, resting his head on her hair, “this wasn’t exactly how I wanted to broach the subject, but your birthday is coming up next month.”

“That’s not my real birthday,” she said flatly. He raised a brow, certain that she had told him that August 2nd was when she would celebrate her twenty-third birthday. 

“But, didn’t you tell me –“ he started but was interrupted.

“I lied. I lie to everyone.” Her admission was heavy on her heart and she turned to face him. The words seemed to bubble up inside of her and now that she was releasing them, it was like there was no stopping the torrent of information. “The truth is that I don’t know when my real birthday is. No one does, or at least no one who is still alive to tell. They found me on August 2nd and couldn’t tell when my birthday was.”

He waited patiently through her explanation of how she had been found abandoned at a supermarket when she was only three or so. She had been old enough to tell the authorities her first name, but not old enough to recall her surname. So, they had randomly assigned one to her. At first the headlines of “Toddler Abandoned in Greengrocer” splashed across the papers of the small Surrey community, and the authorities had to their credit really tried to find her parents. The closest lead they had had, Rey would find out upon her emancipation, was a couple who had been found in a ditch some twenty miles away with an empty car seat in the back of their sedan and enough heroin in their system to kill an elephant. The connection hadn’t been made in enough time to do a DNA sample, so she had remained saddled with the fake name. The magistrates had deemed it “in the best interest of the child.” She had been moved from foster home to foster home throughout her childhood, and he heard her tale of isolation with fresh eyes. All of her little games, collecting shells, making up wild stories for every inanimate object and her delight at each fresh experience came upon him with a crash of understanding. He knew what it was like to be lonely and the scars of her desolate and solitary upbringing was now evident. He mentally flogged himself for not seeing it all sooner, caught up as he had been by her bright and shining smiles.

She looked at him with eyes wide and frightened like a rabbit at the end of her story. “So, you see that’s why I work so hard at school. I just keep running away from the truth that I’m – I’m nothing.”

Emotion flooded over him and he took her face in his hands, stroking the tears away with his thumb. He closed his eyes and rested his head against her, forehead to forehead. “Not to me. To me, you’re everything.” She smiled at him, half laughing half crying as she wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug. They stayed huddled together until the rain let up slightly, the worst of the storm having already passed them by on its way south. They walked hand in hand back to the beach cottage, and Rey wiped at her eyes as they arrived.

She seemed to be embarrassed slightly as she dabbed more intently at her right eye. “Bloody hell.” He stifled a laugh at the curse from her delicate lips.

“What’s wrong?” he ventured.

“Ok, now you have to promise you won’t laugh,” she started, looking at him very seriously. “Oh, Christ, this is hard to say.”

“What could you have to say that would possibly be any harder to say than what you’ve already told me?” he asked, his eyebrows shooting up. She shot him a look and he lifted his hands in defense.

“You have to swear you won’t laugh,” she restated. “Pinky promise.”

“Ok, ok,” he said, and clasped his smallest finger in hers. “I won’t laugh.”

She took a deep breath and rushed out the words while looking at the ground. “I seem to have lost one of my contact lenses.” Ben tilted his head in amusement, but immediately wiped the look from his face as she stared hard at him. “It must have come out when I was crying. They say not to rub your eyes and I didn’t even notice and now…I have to get my glasses out or I won’t be able to see.”

They snuck back up the stairs where none of their companions had yet arisen and she pulled out the large rounded frames. Zorii was going to kill her for smuggling them on the trip, but these were dire straits. As she removed the remaining contact and donned the lenses, Ben came back into focus. There was no laughter and he took her face in his hand.

“I think,” he said, his voice sincere, “that they look cute.”

“Well you would be the first,” she joked, happy that Ben finally saw all of her. “Well, if you have any deep dark secrets you want to share, now is the time. It’s only fair.” It was only a joke, but it took everything in him not to tense. Rey thought she saw a shadow in his eyes for a moment, but he was himself again so quickly that she must have imagined it.

“Oh, you know, the usual family stuff,” he said nonchalantly, “I’m boring.” She had made herself so raw and vulnerable to him and hearing about her family, and the addiction that had most likely ripped it apart, he couldn’t bring himself to tell her his own truth. He couldn’t bear the look of disgust that would inevitably sour her happy and loving gazes at him. The past needed to die. It was the only way that he could see forward.

She seemed to believe him, and they set about planning their final day and the end to this trip together. The unease that he had experienced drifted away back into the dark creases of his mind, and he went back to his primary objective of enjoying Rey’s company.


	8. I've Had the Time of My Life

_NYC, Late July 1987_

The month of July seemed to fly by for Rey in a haze of new routines and activities. She was sure she would get whiplash from the number of things she was trying to cram into the summer. She had never been used to having a full social calendar, let alone an overfull one. When she wasn’t working, she was spending time with Ben and when she wasn’t doing that, she was catching up with her friends who were similarly occupied with their boyfriends. It was exhausting, but it felt like she didn’t even have time to be tired.

She and Ben were practically in sync, and on the days that she worked late closing the boutique he was always there waiting for her on his bike. She would run excitedly to join him on the back, now practiced in the feel of the bike’s movements. She had finally seen the inside of his apartment, a conservative studio in a high rise near the financial district. It was larger than many she had seen but now overly showy. She told her friends that she liked to watch Jeopardy at 7:00pm with him and that she had to stay for Letterman at midnight since the gameshow had moved to the earlier time slot. She didn’t think that they really believed her but were at least polite enough not to question it.

To be fair, they really did watch Jeopardy together, nearly religiously. Rey liked the challenge and Ben was just as competitive as she. When they couldn’t be together for a night they played together over the phone. Rey was still the reigning champion after she had answered one final jeopardy the previous week “In Greek mythology, Zeus turned King Lycaon & his entire family into these animals”. Ben had insisted it was pigs, but the knowledge from some long ago read tome came to Rey’s mind and she disagreed. It was definitely wolves and she argued that it was the origin for the word “lycanthrope”. When the truth was revealed, Rey tried not to be too smug, but Ben made it too easy. They were very similar in that regard since they both liked to be right.

After their nightly scorekeeping to the gameshow, he would often lean over, not so subtly putting his arm around her. After the signal was given, they didn’t care much for what was playing on the television.

They had very slowly progressed their intimacy, but it didn’t seem to matter to Ben who was happy to take anything Rey was willing to give him. It was on one such night, as she straddled him on the couch in her jeans and overly large shirt that she seemed distracted. He was too caught up in the scent of her perfume too pay much notice until she started to try to call out his name between kisses.

“Mmf, Ben?” she questioned.

He didn’t quite hear her as he placed fierce kisses on her collar bone. She moaned softly, running her fingers through his hair, and let him continue for a few more minutes. His lips found hers again as his hands fumbled beneath her shirt. When she had first placed his hands on her small chest, he had been surprised but she seemed to be adamant and he hadn’t resisted the new touch. His hands had trembled slightly as he ran his fingers over the lacy material of her bra. 

“Ben,” she persisted in a hoarse whisper, when her mind could focus again.

This time he did hear her, and he had to fight through the haze of lust to pull himself away enough to answer coherently. “Hmmf?” was all he could manage.

“What do you,” she said between heavy breaths, “like to do?”

This stopped him and he pulled back to look at her face. He wasn’t exactly sure how to answer, at a loss for her meaning and the timing that she chose to pose her question.

“Oh! Not like that,” she said with a hasty and flustered wave of her hand. He blinked stupidly at her and moved her off of his lap so he could start to bring his thoughts back to an intelligible place. She plopped down on the couch beside him and he looked at her to further her explanation. “Like, what do you like to do for fun?”

He wondered at the question considering their most recent occupation. But to tell the truth, no one had ever really asked him that before. He sufficed with a question for her, “What brings this on?”

She seemed embarrassed but let her thoughts fly out in rush, “Well, it’s just, we always seem to do whatever _I_ want to do, and it got me thinking that we never really talk about what _you_ want to do. I don’t mind! I like that you listen to me, but it’s just that it doesn’t come up and I was…curious.” She ended flatly after much waving and apologetic looks.

He sighed and drew her in close to him, letting her lay her head on his chest as he thought seriously about her question. He put his arm behind his head, reclining his head on the couch to look at the ceiling. She patiently waited for his answer, drawing absentminded circles on him the way he liked.

  
He struggled to voice his thoughts, because how could he phrase that he never really did what he liked to do and “kiss you” seemed both too obvious and crude. Usually he did whatever those around him were doing, trying his best to blend in just enough that he would be accepted. It had been that way since he was a kid, trying to earn the approval of his parents who both had very high expectations of their only son. He had never really even questioned whether the things he did were because he truly wanted to or because it was expected of him. This was one of the reasons that he had fallen so deeply into the pit of addiction.

The silence continued between them as he racked his brain, trying to remember something, anything, that he actually enjoyed doing that would satisfy her inquisitiveness. Finally, after some minutes he looked at her as the dim memory returned to him.

“Photography,” he said, and she looked at him with eyes that encouraged him to elaborate. “I like…I like to take photos. I really enjoyed it as a kid.”

“Why don’t you do it anymore?” she asked innocently, but the question stung, nonetheless.

Rey could tell that he was growing uncomfortable with the discussion, but her curiosity would not abate until she had been answered. This seemed…. important, somehow.

He let out another sigh, cursing the line of questioning that had interrupted them, but still tried to take time to give her an honest answer.

“I, well,” he struggled to get the words out, “I used up all the film my dad had lying around and when I asked for more, well, he told me he didn’t really see the point. I didn’t really bother much after that.” This admission took a lot from Ben, Rey could tell, and she took his face in her hands as he colored slightly. He had never really talked about his parents, and there hadn’t been much opportunity to question it. He could always be drawn out about vague topics like music, television or the fashions of the day, and he even volunteered information about his work and the projects he had, but never these very personal questions. She was similar and avoided the topics if she could, but now found it incredibly odd that he, who had a whole family, never spoke of them.

“Do you….do you talk with your parents?” she asked, not sure if she wanted the answer.

“Of course,” he said, confused by the question. “I love them very much. I hope you’ll be able to meet them some day.” She blushed a bit at his confession about having her meet his parents. She had very little experience in the way of parents except what she could glean from hearing Zorii and Rose talk about their “parental units”. Zorii always told her “what a drag” her parents could be, but always seemed to have a new piece of jewelry or electronics that they sent to her. She couldn’t really understand Rose’s parents, as whenever Rose spoke on the phone with them it was in rapid Vietnamese, but they seemed to care a lot about their daughter given how often they called. She supposed Ben’s relationship with his parents was equally unique and let the subject drop.

She curled her fingers absently in the hair at the base of his neck and before they knew it, their former pursuit was continued with gusto.

When he took her home that night, he suggested they get dinner the following evening and she happily acquiesced, asking where he wanted to go. “How about the one you pointed out the other day while we were walking? Sushi, right?” She nodded and he gave her one of his lopsided grins. “Perfect, so, I’ll pick you up tomorrow night?”

“Sounds good!” she replied and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He pulled her into a deeper embrace, and she melted eagerly into his arms.

The arrival of their date night came slowly, and she kept looking at the clock with impatience. He picked her up promptly at seven though, not wanting to leave even a minute to chance. She had learned a little bit about how to do her hair from Rose and Zorii and had done some hard evaluation of her wardrobe after finally admitting that she liked to look nice for Ben. He was her _boyfriend,_ after all. He had readily accepted the title on their return from Montauk and it still felt strange on her tongue. But every time he referenced to her as his girlfriend, a little thrill shot through her insides. Her slight improvement in dress was enough for Zorii and Rose to leave her to her own devices though, and that was a nice change of pace.

They traversed to the sushi restaurant that had looked so colorful to her that she couldn’t help but be intrigued. She knew what sushi was but had never actually tried it. Ben was more than happy to help her experience anything she desired and readily proposed new adventures like this for her. The food was delicious, and she quickly learned that she liked the rolls that were delicately arranged on her plate, but not the sashimi. Chopsticks were a challenge, but she had eaten enough Chinese takeout with her roommates that she adapted quickly; like riding a bicycle. They laughed and joked throughout the meal, and she was completely full by the time they were ready to leave.

“Wait,” she said as he automatically headed back towards the bike. He paused and turned to look at her. “Do you want to take a walk before we go back home?” He readily accepted her invitation to stroll, partially because walks usually meant dark places to hide from the street crowd for a few minutes of stolen bliss.

He held her hand, eyeing passersby with suspicion in this part of the city with which he wasn’t familiar. She was enjoying the summer breeze when she spotted a bunch of flashing lights about a block ahead of them. With curiosity piqued, she led him eagerly and he stayed close to her side. It was an arcade she found filled with all of the best games. She looked at him with a pleading gaze, and it was all he could do not to dissolve under her hazel eyes. She could ask for the world and he wouldn’t hesitate to call it hers.

They wandered inside as a middle-aged man swept the floor. “Hey, we’re closing,” he called gruffly upon hearing the bell tinkle as they walked in.

Rey looked completely crestfallen, but Ben whispered in her ear “Let me handle it.”

He went over to talk to the man in hushed tones, the man looked intrigued and they both shook hands. He came back to Rey, smiled and said, “He said we can have another hour.”

Rey looked at him, furrowing her brow at this sudden change of attitude. “What? I just explained the situation and he felt generous.” His face was the soul of innocence as she narrowed her eyes further. “Ok. I slipped him a fifty.”

Rey playfully shoved him but couldn’t really argue with an hour in the arcade to themselves. He put a ten-dollar bill into the change machine, quarters clanging to the bottom in a waterfall. He poured the bounty into her outstretched hands and waited for her to take the lead. She led him over to Pacman and inserted a quarter.

Rey admitted to herself that she wasn’t exactly good at the arcade games, but she couldn’t resist letting out a cheer every time she managed to eat one of the blue ghosts, shrieking with panic as they turned back and chased the little yellow dot on the screen. It wasn’t long before they had played nearly every game in the arcade at least once and by Ben’s watch they had about ten minutes left of the man’s purchased goodwill.

That was when she saw it sitting back in the corner, dimly lit. Her eyes ignited with glee and she jerked Ben suddenly towards it. It was a photobooth and they had just enough left to sit inside.

“C’mon, Ben, this is absolutely perfect!” she said pulling him inside. “You like to take photos. You’ll be very good at this.”

“This isn’t exactly what I meant,” he said sheepishly, nervously running his hand through his hair as he did when he didn’t necessarily agree with her but didn’t want to verbally contradict her.

“Live a little, you’ll thank me later,” she said dismissively, and he ducked into the cramped compartment with her. She eagerly fed the machine with the remaining quarters as they sat on the small stools. She pressed the buttons to purchase color photos and turned to him as the machine started to beep. “Ok, you have to smile for this one, we only get four.”

“Rey,” he said, not sure why he was going along with this, but suddenly they were both blinded by the flash.

“Damn! Ok, that one doesn’t count,” she said, taking a deep breath to steady herself. The machine started the thirty second countdown and he sighed. It made a loud beep and he did his best to smile like she wanted.

_FLASH!_

“Ok, this one need to be silly,” she commanded.

“Are there rules I don’t know about?” he asked a hint of irritation in his voice, but she shoved him impishly.

The beeping quickened and he made the silliest face he could think of to appease her, pulling the corners of his mouth down as she stuck out her tongue and pushed up her nose. She broke character and started to giggle just as the loud beep sounded.

_FLASH!_

“Hey, no fair!” he said, massaging his jaw and she stifled her laughter.

“Ok,” she said, breathing out. “This one is the last one. This one, I want you to…”

“To what?” he said, figuring that resistance was futile.

“To kiss me,” she said seriously, looking into his eyes. He needed no further persuading and immediately took her open mouth under his, surprising her with his swiftness. She let out a soft little moan into his mouth that made him die a little inside. They didn’t even realize the final flash had gone off as they pulled apart. She was slightly out of breath and her skin was flushed.

“Happy?” he asked good-naturedly, and she nodded meekly. They stood up, exiting the booth, and waited with impatience for their treasure. The man running the arcade also seemed to share their restlessness as he loudly tapped the counter with his fingers and cleared his throat loudly. After what seemed like an eternity two small strips fell into the slot, and Rey fished them out. They were nearly developed, and she saw them come into focus with a smile. She handed one to Ben and he took it gingerly, looking at the evidence that for at least tonight, this girl was his.

They walked back in a haze of good feeling to his bike and he drove her home.

“Did you have a good time?” he asked as she walked to the door on his arm.

“The best,” she said sincerely, running her hand over his roughened cheek. He put his own hand over hers and gently kissed her palm before sharing a parting embrace. “Goodnight, Ben,” she said softly.

“Goodnight, Rey,” he replied, and the weight of the unsaid words sat upon them heavily. He kissed her on the forehead and headed back to his bike, fondling the little strip in his pocket. When he saw her retreat behind the door to her complex, he took it out, examined it again, and resolved to tuck it inside of his wallet before mounting the Falcon to go home. She had been right again, of course, he thought with a smile.


	9. How Will I Know

_NYC, Late July 1987_

Rey was distracted as the instructor of the class she took with Rose and Zorii shouted commands from the front of the studio.

“Knees higher, ladies!” the chipper voice called, passing by and Rey tried but she was losing patience with the class as all she wanted to do was talk with her friends. Her lack of breath was making it impossible. The pregnant pauses at the end of her phone calls with Ben were becoming deafening and she needed to glean the opinion of the two women whom she knew she could trust. They had both been busy with Finn and Poe lately and none of them had even had a chance for their weekly ritual of Golden Girl reruns. But this, the class they had all paid for on Zorii’s insistence, was at least something none of them would miss.

They had arrived separately near the start of the class but would leave together and Rey banked on that time to finally corner her friends with her new concerns. The choreography that the instructor barked out commands to over the music of Olivia Newton-John was finally slowing down, and they were entering the cool down phase of the class. Rey’s heart pounded in her chest, whether from the exertion or from the anticipation she couldn’t tell.

At last, the class was over, and the three girls toweled the sweat from their brows in the humid room. Zorii and Rose gathered around her as they all peeled the cotton legwarmers off, readying to shower. Now that it had come to it, Rey wasn’t exactly sure how to begin the conversation and started and stopped herself several times. Her friends would look at her quizzically but were too preoccupied with changing into their street clothes again to pursue the subject.

Finally, as they reached the street Zorii and Rose rounded on her and she was forced to admit that she had something that she wanted to discuss. They waited patiently and the words burst forth from her in a cascade, “I think I’m in love with Ben!”

“You think?” Zorii asked skeptically.

“I think, I don’t know,” Rey said, “I’ve never been in love before. I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel.” She covered her face in her hands, already feeling foolish.

“Well, you certainly spend a lot of time together,” Rose said helpfully. Zorii looked at Rose sardonically and Rose shrugged.

“Love isn’t something that you think about,” Zorii said, “You either are or you aren’t.”

“I just – You don’t think it’s been too soon?” Rey asked fretfully. “How do I know if I’m _really_ in love? How did you know when you were in love?” She looked at both her friends who looked at her with a mixture of concern and humor.

“The first time that Finn told me he loved me was after our first Valentine’s Day,” Rose said dreamily. “We’d been dating a few months and he took me to the place we had our first date. It all just clicked. He was very sweet.”

“But we’ve been dating less than a month,” Rey said, not reassured. “I don’t want to scare him off.”

Zorii scoffed and looked at Rey, “Poe told me he loved me the first time we were together.” She looked proud as she tossed her curls. “When you know, you know.”

“But we haven’t been _together_ yet,” Rey admitted, neither of her friends’ stories helping very much. They looked at her with surprise given how often she had come home late from Ben’s apartment.

“Not even once?” Zorii asked skeptically.

“I mean,” Rey said, her face turning scarlet, “we’ve gotten…close, but no, not yet. I wanted to wait until I knew if we loved each other or not. I think…. I think your first time should be with someone you love.” She finished very quietly, not looking either of her roommates in the eyes.

Rose looked at her compassionately, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Of course, it should be special.”

“What is love supposed to feel like?” she asked innocently.

“Love is…love is when, even when you’re tired and stressed, you can’t wait to see their face,” Rose said smiling. “It’s knowing that no matter what happens, you’ve always got this one person to turn to.”

“Or even if they really _really_ screw up, you can’t help but forgive them,” Zorii said in turn.

“Oh God, what if I tell him and he doesn’t feel the same way?” Rey said, her face returning to her hands and her insides churning at the thought.

“I highly doubt that,” Zorii said, rolling her eyes. “Like, anyone with eyes can tell he’s crazy about you.”

“Do you think so?” Rey asked, nervous but daring to hope. This felt _big_ somehow to her. She had seen plenty of movies that showed love as this abstract concept that made people go crazy, pull outrageous stunts or completely uproot their entire life. She had always imagined that it was just made up, but now that she was here, she could start to see what all the music and films were talking about. Somehow being with Ben was both earth shattering and a stillness in her heart at the same time. He was like breathing and their time together felt like two puzzle pieces clicking into place. It _had_ only been a month, but it felt like a lifetime. She could see the wide expanse of the future between them and there he was, by her side. She felt dizzy just thinking about it. She had never allowed herself to be so open with anyone before and the thought of having her entire life in the hands of another person was terrifying.

She continued to stew on the conversation with her friends long after they had moved on to other subjects. She tried to participate the best that she could in the conversation, but they could tell she was distracted and didn’t push her too hard. When they arrived home, they separated into their individual bedrooms and she stared at herself in her long mirror. If love was supposed to change you so much, why did she look the same? She kept looking at her reflection until her eyes lost focus and all the shapes and forms lost any meaning.

She jumped as the ring of the phone in the living room brought her hurtling back from the depths of her inner monologue. It rang, once, twice, three times as a shuffling outside her room signaled that Rose had gone to answer the jingle.

“Hello?” Rose sounded off cheerfully, then after a series of affirmative sounds called out, “Rey! It’s for you! You know who!”

Rey bounded from her room, silently thanking Rose as she took the receiver. “Hello?”

“Hey beautiful,” Ben’s voice sounded on the other end, “How was your day?”

“Oh, you know, same old same old, we had our aerobics class today,” Rey said, shuffling back to her room with phone in hand.

“Oh, sorry to have missed it,” Ben sounded genuinely disappointed and she laughed. He had gawked the first time that he saw her in the spandex leotard and tights. She felt silly before but liked the attention he gave to her and supposed that it wasn’t so bad after all. Besides, the outfit was very comfortable to do the quick choreography in and she didn’t have the most revealing costume in the class by far. She liked the weekly exercise after their first session, and she had absently compared the movement of the large group of women to a kaleidoscope. It was as fascinating to watch as it was to participate, even if the semi new fitness regime had left her sore all over the initial class. Zorii was a pro, having done ballet as a child, and Rose was in Rey’s boat and struggled to keep up at times. At least they had solidarity in their mutual inexperience.

“Oh, you didn’t miss much,” Rey said dismissively, “Although… Jannah did fall backwards after she tried to high kick without warming up.”

“Oh, really,” he said, engrossed in her story as she recounted the tale as best she could, given her earlier distraction. To be fair, the sudden crash as Jannah had thrown her leg up with impressive gusto, her leg warmer had caught on the slick floor and she ended up in a pool of tangled limbs and colorful lycra had been enough to garner the attention of everyone in the class. The instructor had helped pick up Jannah as half the crowd tittered and the other half whispered with worry at the bump Jannah had nursed on the back of her head. Luckily, it wasn’t worse because of the massive amount of teasing that she maintained on her locks which slightly cushioned the blow.

Ben laughed at her conclusion and Rey tried to measure every interaction against the new internal scorecard she was keeping. _I love him, I love him not, I love him…._

He cleared his throat a bit, and started with “I actually, well…I wanted to call and ask if you wanted to do something special this Saturday?”

She thought with confusion at the meaning in his voice, “Sure, why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, it’s just that its…it’s your birthday, right?” he said, and she understood at once. He recalled her confessions that the upcoming Saturday wasn’t her biological date of birth, but one inherited from a flawed social system that couldn’t come up with her true age. “I just, I had an idea, but I wasn’t sure if you really wanted to celebrate or not.”

“No point in being upset at this point,” she said, but her heart seemed to bubble with feeling at his forethought.

“Ok, good,” he replied, exhaling deeply, “because I may have already bought you a gift.” She raised her eyebrow even though he couldn’t see it and he interpreted the silence correctly, interjecting “I hope you’ll really like it. I got us tickets to see Bon Jovi – “

He was cut off as she let out a shriek, the words almost too good to be true. Her roommates rushed in, alarm on their face. She could barely get the words out, she was so filled with excitement, but somehow, she managed to communicate, and her friends also let out screams. On the other end Ben pulled the receiver away from his ear before he was deafened.

When the screaming died down finally, Rey got back on the phone suddenly concerned, “Ben, this concert has been sold out for months, how did you manage to get tickets? I mean, we camped out all night and they were still sold out by the time we tried to buy them. They must have cost you a fortune.”

“Oh, you know, I know a guy,” Ben said glibly, “I just…I just figured that we should start a new tradition for you and – and reclaim the day.” He finished flatly and her heart swelled. It was as he tried to explain how he wanted her to have a birthday she could enjoy that she knew with the same certainty that one knows that the sun will rise every morning and set every evening, that summer turns to autumn, and that wrestling was definitely fake that she was deeply, truly, irrevocably in love with this boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter, but I think the next will be longer.


	10. I Want To Know What Love Is

_NYC, Early August 1987_

As Ben prepared for the concert that night with excitement, he reflected that a mere five hundred dollars had seemed a pittance compared to the happiness it had brought Rey. She likely wouldn’t see it in the same light, but he was determined for her to have a birthday she would remember and that he should deliver it to her.

The steam of his shower filled the small tiled bathroom and he wondered that he had ever managed before she had come into his life. She was like a beam of brightest sunlight in the depths of winter, warming his life and promising better days were ahead. He had felt for once in his life truly and completely happy, and he would do anything to convince her to stay with him. Each act of physical love that she allowed him to share with her was like a precious gift and her wit and humor made him smile even when they were apart, despite the drudgery of his day to day office job. He would often find himself pulling the skinny reel of photos from his wallet at intervals and looking at her laughter and bright smile with the same intensity that he had once found himself abusing cocaine.

He let the warm stream of water hit his chilled skin and massaged shampoo into his locks. When he was sufficiently clean, he exited the shower with a towel loosely draped about his waist. He would wear the cologne that she liked tonight and with any luck she would place her lips on the tender spot of his neck again. When Rey had first found the spot and saw the reaction that it had garnered from Ben, she had wasted no time in making it one of her first stops on their nearly nightly ritual of intimacy. During their explorations, he had found in return that if he nipped at her ear just right, he could make her make a small squeaking sound of pleasure.

He recounted all of this dreamily as he combed his hair back. He dressed slowly, pulling on the leather jacket that he loved to wear in his off hours last. Rey had teased him in the beginning that he must have copied “Top Gun” with his motorcycle and his leather jacket. He had looked at her, affecting hurt, as he responded that if anything Tom Cruise had copied _him._ After all, he had gotten the jacket from his father who had earned it during his time as a pilot in Vietnam. And the motorcycle was a similar hand-me-down that he couldn’t be faulted for driving. He told her that he had written a strongly worded email to Hollywood but didn’t suspect that the royalty checks for the obvious use of his image would ever come. She had giggled at this and he had complimented himself on his quick humor that had produced the laughter, pealing like a delicate bell.

He loved hearing her laugh or seeing her smile. Now that he came to the point, he had never expected himself to find someone to love or who would seemingly return his affection with equal passion. He had observed the dysfunctional but ardent marriage of his parents and had decided that that was not something he wanted for himself. He loved them, but the periods of intense love followed by equally intense argument and then absence and silence were enough to make his head spin. He couldn’t understand why they were still together but had never questioned them. His tryst with Bazine had all but cemented into his mind that he would end up unhappy, alone or otherwise. Rey had walked into his life, breathing life back into his heart and he didn’t know if he could go on without her there.

He turned the motorcycle over, shifting it into life and peeled out of the expensive parking structure his apartment building provided. He had always felt that he was a bit of a social chameleon, finding it easy to do or say whatever it took to please those around him. Quite frankly, it was part of why he was so successful in his chosen profession, but genuine feeling was harder to communicate, and he was woefully untrained. He had known he loved this girl since she had opened the darkest parts of herself to him with no restraint. He had recognized a keen loneliness in her that mirrored his own. Telling her his feelings though, was another matter entirely.

This night seemed like the best opportunity that he could hope for, and he was filled with nerves. He couldn’t recall telling anyone aside from his immediate family that he loved them. She would be his first and he could only presume his last. He didn’t know much about love, but a feeling like this had to be rare.

As she hopped on the back of his bike, her hands wrapped around his middle in a way that was both familiar but always new. He enjoyed the feel of her slender fingers as they slipped in the front of the leather jacket. He could smell her perfume radiating off of her as she snuggled close to him. She was everywhere and he could drown in her presence.

They arrived at their destination and he helped her off the motorcycle, admiring the way that her leggings hugged every curve of her, and only obscured by the overly large Bon Jovi t-shirt that hung off of one of her shoulders. She had cinched it with a belt, and she was wearing heels tonight. He mused that she would likely take the shoes off partway through the night, but he enjoyed the look of her in them all the same. Her lips were full and red tonight and the dark mascara and eye shadow she donned really only accentuated her hazel eyes. It took everything he had to not kiss her lipstick completely off right there, but he had a plan and he would see it through.

She entwined her fingers in his and her excitement was palpable. As the crowd around them started to converge on Madison Square Garden, their energy seemed to surround Ben and intensify his own anxiety.

When they got in, Ben could feel Rey pulling him along, eager to join the crowds. The seats they had weren’t the best where you could practically touch the boots of the band, but they offered a decent vantage point to watch everything. Ben had to remark that the singer was quite the showman, jumping around the stage with enthusiasm as the band around him played. He was wearing a grey shirt with stylishly placed rips and of course, a pair of black leather pants that Ben was sure incited at least half of the noise from the women in the audience and some of the men as well.

Ben could get lost in the deafening roar of the throng as they screamed. Rey knew the words to every song and screamed just as loud. The swarm of people crowded into the stadium seemed to swell and contract like a hive of bees with every burst of pyrotechnics. Rey’s enthusiasm was contagious, and Ben enjoyed the concert despite himself. He sang along with the songs he could remember from the radio but spent most of the time watching Rey bob with the crowd, her face practically glowing. The entire crowd rose to the occasion when the artist pointed the microphone to them _“Woah, we’re halfway there!”_

They danced together, jumping around as the colorful lights fell like stars around them. Two hours seemed to go by in a flash and every new song brought a fresh wave of fervor from the stands. There was even a large platform that brought the singer out into the middle of the crowd at one point. This brought on fresh waves of hysteria from his fans. Eventually the band closed the night and people began to pour out of the arena. Rey was hoarse from screaming but she was punch drunk from the high of the night.

“Hey,” she said, the parking lot almost too quiet after the roar of the stadium. “Do you want to stay out a little bit longer? I don’t think I’m ready to go home yet.”

Ben didn’t need much persuading and they wandered around until they found a bar where it seemed like they were not the only ones eager for the night to continue. Several people gathered round them and Rey, with the help of a gin and tonic, seemed to forget her shyness for a time. Ben looked at her, blossoming in the crowd of mutual fans and couldn’t help but feel like a bit of an outsider. He enjoyed watching her smile and gasp though, as all the details of the concert were rehashed with the strangers.

Ben had perhaps one too many scotches if he was honest but was patient and willing to let Rey socialize as long as she wanted. His head felt fuzzy as the bar started to clear out a bit. Rey was slightly tipsy but more in control of herself than he. He stood up to stretch and wobbled a little bit, and she caught him by the arm as he steadied himself.

“Doing ok?” she asked with amusement and concern at his slightly intoxicated state.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, in a happy haze of mild inebriation, but stumbled again.

“Somehow, I don’t believe you,” she joked, “perhaps we should wait it out a while until your head clears a bit?”

“God, you’re so beautiful,” he said emphatically, and with no prompting and Rey laughed at this. He ran a hand over her cheek, and she kissed his fingers gently. “Will you dance with me?”

“I don’t think you’re in any state to dance, sweetheart,” she said gingerly, caressing his face and tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

“Please?” he said softly, his brown eyes pleading. Rey bit her lip and found herself relenting.

“Fine,” she said and the look of joy on his face was positively palpable, “But…. you need to drink some water first. If you fall, I don’t think I can get you back up.”

He obediently sipped on the water that the bartender provided, and she made him wait another fifteen minutes after finishing as he stroked her hair and face and anywhere else, she allowed in public. Finally, the initial high of the alcohol started to wear off a bit and he felt more himself. Not sober, but the head buzz he had sported previously was muted.

Rey went to the jukebox and inserted a few coins, flipping between songs while she tried to find one that wouldn’t be too fast or overwhelming for Ben; she still didn’t completely trust his claims of returning sobriety. She settled on one that was still played quite frequently on the radio and that she quite enjoyed.

The first slow notes of synth music came over the speakers and she took Ben’s hand, pulling him up slightly from the stool. It was harder than it looked, given his relative height. He took her perhaps more forcefully than he had originally intended, but quickly settled into the rhythm of the song. He recognized it as the lyrics floated over them _“Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you…”_

He rested his chin on the top of her head as they swayed gently. It was so similar to their first meeting, but now so much more was between them than they could have imagined when they had originally held each other on that worn dance floor. Rey seemed to be thinking the same and she pulled back to look at him, taking her hand from his shoulder to cup his cheek. He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes for a moment before looking down into her hazel eyes.

“Ben, I’ve had the best time with you tonight,” she said, the words on her heart coming out without hesitation. Her drink had made her brave tonight. “Before we met, I didn’t think I could ever meet someone who understood me so completely the way that you do. You have entirely changed my life.”

“Rey,” he responded, his nerves having disappeared with his sobriety, “you have to know I feel the same. You are…you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Inside and out. You’re kind and smart and funny, and I just….Rey, I l-“

“I know,” she said, fire in her eyes suddenly and their lips met with a fierceness that he wasn’t accustomed to yet. He deepened their kiss, tasting the sweetness on her lips from her drink, and there was something different this time. They pulled apart, nearly breathless. “I love you too. Should we- should we go back to your flat?”

“We can get a cab,” he said, suddenly matter of fact, despite the haze he still swum through.

“But your bike,” she said.

  
“I don’t care,” he said huskily, and they were kissing again. Anyone who spied on them averted their eyes from this private display. They parted in intervals; just long enough to make it to the door, just long enough to hail a cab, and just long enough to tell the driver where they were headed. Their hearts pounded with anticipation as they finally found themselves at Ben’s apartment and he closed the door with finality behind them.


	11. Take Me Home Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the work rating to explicit so I could do justice to this chapter. Enjoy!

_NYC, Early August 1987_

Rey pushed Ben into the door of his apartment, and he held her close, his hand resting on the back of her head to draw her in as close as possible. He pulled the scrunchie out of her hair, letting it fall loose in waves around her shoulders. She let out a soft sigh as he ran his fingers through her thick coffee curls.

She moved from his lips to his neck, hitting the sensitive part near his collar bone and he let out a groan. She continued to pull at the spot as he let his hands travel from her hair, down her back and settling even lower. He cupped her with his large hands and drew her in to him where she could feel him press against her thighs. She released him, the spot on his neck a bright pink, and pulled on the front of his shirt as their lips found each other again. They were like planets revolving around each other with a gravity that kept them coming close, unable to escape the indelible pull.

Rey was small beneath Ben’s grip as they moved like pinballs throughout his apartment, jostling into the furniture in their hunger for each other. They were curved over the back of his couch and he wrenched up her thigh with his hand, pressing himself tightly to her over their clothing. Her hands pressed his leather jacket down his shoulders, and he took a fleeting moment to shrug the nuisance off. The jacket fell to the floor with a thump, puddling around his feet. The slender fingers that he loved found their way under the hem of his shirt and gently raked the space between his shoulder blades sending shivers through him as his skin exploded in a thousand goosebumps. He took her lip between his teeth, biting down gently and she moaned faintly into his mouth.

He explored every inch of her as his hand slowly drew up from her thigh, moving over her abdomen and tracing the soft swell of her breast. She brought up his shirt as she moved to touch his chest, every muscle in his body tense under her delicate caresses. With a careless tug, he pulled his attention away from worshipping the goddess before him just long enough to yank the offending clothing over his head.

He fumbled with her belt and she relieved him of the duty by uncinching it herself, and the t-shirt fell around her loosely. He shoved it upwards, baring the small patch of pale skin between the top of her leggings and the bottom of her bra. He gently placed his lips on the strip, inching her shirt higher until it uncovered the lacy material that hid her breasts from him. His mouth explored the area between the small mounds, reaching her collar bone and traveling back to her lips as he eased the shirt over her head. She didn’t resist and her hands roamed over him in return as he enjoyed the warm feel of her bared skin on his. She circled her hands over the taut curves of his broad shoulders, and he placed his hands on either side of her face.

He heard a bang and then another as she kicked off the red heels she had been wearing, dropping inches in her bare feet. He ripped his shoes and socks off to match, carelessly tossing them out of his way. She let out a shriek as he surprised her by picking her up underneath her legs. She was so light, and he was so lost in her that he barely felt the weight. Rey recovered from the momentary shock and wrapped her legs around him. He carried her to the wall where he pressed her firmly. His breath hitched as she moved beneath him, and he found himself moving in sync with her urging. His lips moved over her neck and he bit on her as fingers flowed over his scalp. He could feel the rapid pulse of her heart through her neck, but she encouraged him to continue.

She held on tightly to his neck as he carried her towards his bedroom, previously forbidden territory. He sat on his bed with her still in his arms so that she was straddled over top of him, illuminated by the moonlight that streamed in through the window. Her skin was velvet under his touch as he moved towards the clasp at the middle of her back. With a practiced motion, he unhitched the connection and the bra draped loosely over her shoulders, now barely covering the treasures beneath. She was suddenly self-conscious, but with a slow movement drew down first one, then the other strap revealing herself to him. He looked at her with hunger in his eyes through the dim light, but his hands trembled as he reached out to touch her bare breasts. She bucked and gasped underneath him as his thumb found the taut bud of one, massaging it in circles. He had the other in his mouth and her nails combed through his locks roughly in response.

She pulled away suddenly and he held out his arms to her, surprised at the unexpected loss of her, but she was standing before him with a look of determination. Her thumbs hooked into the waistband of her spandex coverings and eased down in a torturously slow display. She bent over to remove them from her ankles one by one and there she stood before him, the blue cast of night over her, leaving him wondering if he had ever seen a more perfect woman. She motioned him to join her and his insides clenched as he stood up, sliding down the fly of his jeans. She watched intently, her face reddening as he removed his pants and boxers in one motion. They fell to the floor around him and they looked at each other, completely overwhelmed.

She moved slowly, touching him for the first time and he felt himself writhe under her grasp. She seemed surprised by this at first, but awkwardly began to fall into a rhythm that would have brought him to his knees. She was shy with each additional touch they shared but grew steadier as she measured his response. His fingers wandered and he grazed the inside of her thigh, moving deliberately upwards until he found her, enjoying watching her squirm as her head fell back with a huff.

With a startling quickness, he turned her, and her knees hit the bed sending her backwards with an exhale as the wind was knocked from her. He crouched in front of her and with traveling forages of his lips, worked her knees apart as he prepared to pray to her. He worked quickly but thoughtfully, practiced darts of his tongue producing the moment he anticipated in an explosion as her back arched and her thighs tightened around him. She went limp under him, still running her hands through his hair and tugged him upwards. He followed her pull and kissing her sweetly on first her abdomen, her chest, her collar bone, her neck and then her lips. He was right at her opening and she was willing him forwards as a thought languidly floated in the back of his mind.

“Shit,” he said, breaking the spell momentarily and she looked at him with questioning eyes. “Hold on, just a second.” With groping hands, he blindly ripped open the drawer of the side table and rifled through the contents until the familiar crinkling noise signaled his victory. He ripped the condom wrapper open with his teeth and awkwardly put it on as Rey waited patiently, propped up on her elbows. She shimmied backwards to allow him space and he crawled towards her, looking down at her face.

“Are you sure?” he asked, his thumb grazing her cheek. It would probably kill him at this point, but it wasn’t too late to stop and wait for another night. She kissed him in response, nodding into him and that was all the encouragement that he needed. He pushed himself into her slowly, pressing past the slight resistance as she flinched at the new sensation. She let out a whimper of pleasure, biting into his shoulder as he started to move slowly in and out. He wanted to savor this experience, not bring himself too quickly to the brink and spoil the moment. Ben was powerless to her, however, as she began to rock back and forth under him. There was no reserve left in her and she was enthusiastic if unrehearsed under his grasp. All he could do was attempt to hold on as she brought him to the edge under the fusing of their bodies. Suddenly as if with an explosion of stars, they both tumbled together into the abyss. He collapsed on top of her and she let her breath out softly. He gently kissed her shoulder, traveling to her lips where he planted them gentle as a breeze. He rested his forehead on hers, breathing still heavy and tried to prop himself on his forearms to keep from crushing her. She traced his lips with her finger, and he found himself smiling as the euphoria of their lovemaking washed over him. She grinned back and he flipped himself onto his back, throwing his spend into the small garbage can near his bed before clutching her close to him. She lay on his chest, warm but not still as she wriggled closer and tangled her legs into his. His sudden absence from her was just as jarring as his initial presence had been, and Rey found herself longing for him again already. He wiggled as he maneuvered the blanket from under them and covered their bodies with the soft down. He was completely drained, and they quickly fell asleep in each other’s embrace.

The next morning, he awoke inexplicably content, limbs still twisted in hers, and it took him a moment to remember how he had come to be there. As memory returned, he smiled and she nuzzled into him, kissing his chest lightly in a sleepy daze.

“Good morning,” she yawned quietly, and he rubbed her shoulder as he brought her closer. Her hands ran over his chest, drifting slowly and cautiously downwards and soon they found themselves in a similar state as the previous night. She was playful as a lover and teased him just as much here as she did in public. He was determined to be slow this time and enjoyed her as she yearned for more. The sleepy kisses they placed on each other that morning stood in contrast to the passioned need they had displayed before. He took her mouth under his as she let a moan escape. He wished this moment could stretch on forever as they lost themselves in each other, reaching the heavens as one.

Only when her stomach could take no more and grumbled a loud protest did they ultimately leave the bed. She wore his shirt as they ventured to his small kitchen to see what they could find in the sparse cupboards. Ben loaded his Mr. Coffee with fresh grounds and the aroma filled the small space quickly. Rey heaped sugar and milk into her cup and Ben drank his black. They were both smiles and flirtations with each other this morning as they shared in the secret knowledge of their new intimacy.

Rey clung to his back as he attempted to prepare something as simple as eggs. He was far too distracted as she burrowed her nose into and kissed the spot between his shoulder blades to do anything more than scramble them and hope they wouldn’t burn. He delivered the meal victoriously onto two small plates and they crowded on the couch together to sate their appetite.

Here now, they turned to small talk, the events of the morning and the previous night an unspoken but loud thread of thought between them.

“What are your plans for the week?” he asked, grazing the tips of his fingers over hers.

“Well,” she said, trying to recall amongst the myriad physical distractions Ben provided, “I do have to go to my orientation this week. I’ll have to purchase my textbooks afterwards.”

Ben thought sadly about the languishing summer. He knew that Rey would have to start school soon and his access to her would be greatly restricted as she matriculated into her first year at Brooklyn Polytechnic. When she had originally talked to him about the classes that she was required to take and the workload she had been warned about on entering graduate school, he had seen it as a far-off event in the dusty backdrop of summer. Now, the event was nearly upon them and while he was proud of her accomplishments, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of resentment at the hours that would be stolen away from them. The comparison to his own employment didn’t help; he trudged through hours of paperwork and phone calls these days and spent most of his waking hours wishing for five o’ clock so that he could make a few hasty goodbyes before rushing to meet with Rey. He silently cursed the weeks he had wasted without her as the humid months started to find their close and autumn sought purchase.

“Ben?” Rey called out, breaking his from his reverie.

“What?” he asked stupidly.

“I said, what about you? What exciting news from the world of high risk finance this week?” she teased him for his distraction, and he reclined on the couch, turning his face to the ceiling.

“I wouldn’t call it exciting. Mr. Snoke did ask to meet with me tomorrow though. ‘Something big’ is how he phrased it,” Ben sighed, hoping that his diversions at work weren’t so noticeable that he was now going to face punitive action. He was already skating on thin ice as far as he knew due to the setbacks his addiction and subsequent rehabilitation had triggered.

Rey absorbed the worry in Ben’s eyes, stroking his face tenderly, “I’m sure it won’t be bad news.” He melted into her hand and pulled her closer, so she was curled on his lap.

“I appreciate your vote of confidence,” he replied, planting a kiss on the top of her head, “but I guess we’ll have to see. Anyways, enough about that. How do you want to spend the rest of this fine Sunday?”

She thought for a moment the suddenly seemed to remember something important, “Your bike! We left your bike last night!” It hadn’t seemed important when he had chosen to leave his motorcycle behind, but now Ben shared Rey’s anxiety. He had felt so proud when his father had let him have the bike upon his graduation from high school, telling him that it was far too nice to be locked in the garage all the time. Now he had left the damn thing out where anyone could steal it, or worse, tear it apart for scrap. They scrambled to find clothing, strewn as it was around the apartment, and he noted abstractedly that Rey was still wearing his shirt.

They rushed out the door and few stops on the subway later, they arrived at the parking lot where Ben had left the Falcon. He let out a loud exhale of relief at his luck to find it still in place and unspoiled. He did have three parking violations adhered to the chrome, but this seemed like a fair trade to find the wheels and rims unmarred and intact. Rey shared in his joy, their hearts still racing from the nervous anticipation of what they might find.

“Now that we have that sorted,” she said, wrapping her arms inside of his jacket, “Do you want to go to Central Park?” Ben thought about the hollows and hidden places of the forest inside Manhattan, the large outcrops of bedrock that protruded in random groupings and were perfect for hiding them from view for a few unseen kisses, and readily agreed.

They whiled away the day, magnetized to each other’s touch as they explored the well traversed park with fresh lover’s eyes. Every moment that Ben had with Rey was like a prize, and he still couldn’t figure out how he had been so lucky to win her.

When he dropped her off that evening, they clung to each other for as long as possible at the door. Rey knew that as soon as they parted, she would be subjected to the interrogations of her friends who would undoubtedly have marked her absence the night before.

Finally, the moment of parting came, and Ben kissed her softly. “I love you,” he said in her ear, the words feeling like an intoxicating cocktail. She looked him in the eyes, returning the sentiment. He watched her leave him, the familiar sting of her removal upon him. The joy of his new knowledge of her was not to be dimmed entirely though, and he went home that night feeling as if he could face any challenge the morning would bring.


	12. Working for the Weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter this time! I think the next one will be as well. Enjoy!

_NYC, Mid-September 1987_

Rey’s brain felt sore and she didn’t think she could focus for another second on “Design & Analysis of Algorithms”. Buzzwords like “heapsort” and “binary search” swam before her eyes and she shut the book forcefully. She rubbed her temples as she tried to will the information from the pages into her long-term memory, hoping that that would be enough to get her through her first test.

The start of her graduate career had been rocky, marred slightly by the stigma she carried of still being the only female in the class. One of her professors had even told her not to expect “preferential treatment” because of her sex and that he was not accustomed to catering to students who couldn’t keep up in his classes. Several members of the class had snickered at this. She had bristled at the accusations but found that the majority of her professors found her intelligent and studious.

Rey had found solace in her advisor, Maz Kanata, a professor who had spent the majority of her career and life in California. On the rare occasions that they found not filled with planning out Rey’s graduate trajectory, she enjoyed listening to Maz retell any number of stories from the sixties. Maz, like Rey, stood out among the sea of male colleagues and Rey found comfort in having her around.

She was actually in the middle of the one-hundred-page reading assignment for Maz’s class but figured that she could stand a break. She thought of calling Ben and glanced at the time on her wall clock. It was eight o’ clock, he should be home by now.

Since they had consummated their love it seemed like forces from every direction had convened to prevent them from spending every moment they could muster in bed.

When Ben had gone to work that Monday and had his meeting with Mr. Snoke, it had been a surprise to all when he had actually offered Ben a promotion of sorts. He wanted to take him off the block of potential traders and put him on the corporate fast track. Snoke had asked Ben to lead a merger that had gone awry under the previous project manager, and that if successful, a vice presidency with a corner office were not out of the question.

When he had told Rey the news, she had been enthusiastic about his acceptance of the opportunity. She would be completely busy with her studies she had reasoned, and this was a great way for him to boost his career. Ben had seemed hesitant at first, uncomfortable for some reason she didn’t quite know, but had ultimately agreed under her urging.

Now she almost regretted her blasé attitude because the merger, although in its most final stages, was at its most time consuming. Ben was consumed by paperwork and meetings that often went late into the evening. He wasn’t allowed to communicate the majority of his work, but she gathered enough from what he could say that to understand that his predecessor had left the entire affair in shambles and it was all Ben could do to salvage what was left.

Rey picked up the phone, punching in each digit of Ben’s phone number and bit her lip anxiously as the purr of the dial sounded.

“Hello?” the familiar voice sounded, stress and frustration evident in the clipped tones.

“Bad time?” she asked, already regretting having called.

Ben immediately recognized Rey’s cadence and the change in his demeanor was instantaneous. “No, of course not. Sorry, it’s just…This damn merger. I have people calling my apartment at all hours it feels like, and I was a little… stressed.” He ended his sentence lamely and she could feel the remorse in his voice for the attitude he had initially given her.

“It’s ok,” she said, her voice tinged with sadness, “I can… I can call back later if you want.”

“No, don’t,” he pleaded. “Do you have some time tonight?”

“Just a bit,” she said, “I have a test later this week.”

“Enough time for dinner? I promise to be good,” he said, and she felt a thrill go through her at the teasing tone at the end.

“Weeeeell,” she said, drawing out the word, “I suppose, I’d have to say, yes. But just for a little while.”

“I can be there in twenty,” he said, and the receiver went dead on the other end.

Ben arrived promptly as promised and she rushed down to greet him, her arms wrapping around him. She hadn’t realized how ingrained he had become in her life until their time together was diminished by the various demands placed upon them. She kissed him fervently and he returned with equal enthusiasm such that for a time they both forgot their original plan.

It was between breaths that Ben, cursing himself, tried to remind her that their window was closing with each passing minute. Rey’s face was flushed but she reluctantly pulled herself out of the reverie and placed herself behind him on the motorcycle. She was teasing him the entire way to the restaurant, gently scratching his chest, letting a stray hand curl around his belt loops, a nail traced the buckle, and it was all he could do to prevent them from careening off course. Rey enjoyed pushing Ben’s buttons, thrilled with each new reaction that she received. He could be so serious, but she liked bringing a playful spark into his eyes.

They finally parked and Rey felt Ben breathe a sigh of relief that they were still in one piece. He rounded on her, prodding her in the side before she could defend herself and she squealed with laughter as he hit her in her ticklish spot. She attempted to return the assault, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her in close, his eyes alight with fire. He took her face in his other hand, parting her lips with his tongue. She gave in willingly and curled a hand his hair a little more roughly than intended but Ben offered no complaint. Quite the contrary, it only seemed to spur on his advances. The pair were always like this after a few days of continued separation, but it never felt like they could make up enough for lost time. Rey wished that she could stay with him that night, but her better judgment would have to win.

This time Rey had to instigate their return to reality, not least of which because people had started to look at them as they walked past. She pulled back and allowed Ben time to do the same. Their hearts were hammering as one, and she averted her gaze, trying to fixate on the string that protruded from the neckline of his shirt lest she be pulled back in by the intensity of his stare. She spread her hands out on his chest, stroking it absently until her breathing came back to a normal rate. “So, dinner?” she said, her voice shaky.

Ben nodded and discreetly attempted to adjust himself before they wandered into the small Italian restaurant. The inside was impossibly tiny, the bar encompassing the majority of the space. There were only two small tables to the right of the counter, and Ben always felt cramped whenever they came here. Rey, however, seemed to love it and she was a perfect size for this smallest of eateries. And even Ben had to admit that the food was some of the best he had tasted in the city.

What the restaurant lacked in space, they made up for in portion size and their Stromboli was enough to split. Rey had commented the first time Ben had taken her to eat here that it was larger than her head, larger than Ben’s even. He had snorted and rolled his eyes at the good-humored jab, but she wasn’t wrong. After placing their order Ben contended with Rey who was running her foot along the inside of his shin and attempting to negotiate upwards. He had a mental image of pushing everything off of the table between them like he had seen in movies, picking her up and bending her…. He hastily stopped the thought before he really did make a scene in the restaurant and grabbed the roaming ankle as inconspicuously as possible.

“I thought you said you couldn’t come over tonight,” he said under his breath, his firm grip refusing to release her leg back to her.

“I can’t,” she replied, maintaining eye contact with a cheeky look on her face. He responded by moving his own hand up her thigh, stopping just short of a compromising situation. She bit her lip to avoid alerting the small kitchen’s staff with a squeak. She did hit her knee on the bottom of the table in an attempt to get away, nearly spilling their water and Ben finally unhanded her so they could maintain some air of secrecy.

He cleared his throat attempting to draw her attention away from aggravating him. “So. Is Zorii feeling better, or does she still have you and Rose slaving away to help her?” He was of course referring to the very bad sprain that Zorii had recently sustained doing “dance practice” with Poe.

Ben had genuinely laughed after hearing about the situation. It seemed like the newest summer movie, some chick flick with Patrick Swayze in it, had inspired many a copycat incident and Zorii had roped the very inexperienced Poe into a similar position. What the pair had not counted on was how much harder the lift really was in reality, and Zorii had taken a tumble down a flight of stairs. Luckily, only her ankle had been the victim in the fall rather than her neck, which had been far more likely given the circumstances. Zorii had refused to talk to Poe on the way to the hospital and they had spent at least a week without any communication until she felt he had been sufficiently punished for his negligence. In the meantime, Rose and Rey had been the attentive nurses to their thoroughly ruffled friend. Rey had balked at the number of stairs up which their apartment was situated after the first day of assistance, for the first time noting how difficult four flights was to maneuver. To be fair, she was normally used to carrying a purse or a bookbag, not Zorii’s entire entourage and crutches as Zorii hopped slowly and carefully from step to step to avoid further damage to her extremities. Ben was glad that Rey hadn’t tried to pull a similar stunt but wasn’t sure if Zorii hadn’t suffered physical injury if that would have been the case. Regardless, he mentally pictured that if she _had_ asked, that he wouldn’t have dropped her at the very least.

No, Rey enjoyed movies like “Lost Boys”, a grittier but still humorous movie. They had gone to see it together, not long after the Bon Jovi concert. They had legitimately tried to watch the movie the first time, but the dark theater and humid air had been too strong a temptation, and they only caught bits and pieces of the plot. Rey was determined though, and so after a few more screenings they managed to piece together the overall gist of the film.

“No, Poe is finally being allowed to take the reins a bit,” Rey replied to his original query. “Good luck to him. I love Zorii, but I don’t know how she manages to carry everything around with her.”

“She probably has incredible upper body strength,” Ben said, his tone serious but his eyes filled with humor.

“No wonder that Poe is so scared of her,” Rey joked in return. There was just something about being with Ben that was effortless as they continued their conversation; it was the time they spent apart that was harder to navigate.

“How are your classes?” Ben asked, changing the subject.

“Fine,” Rey responded, her brow knotting slightly at the question and betraying her.

“Seems, fine,” he said skeptically. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Well….I just….I’m having a hard time finding the topic for my thesis. If I don’t have something ready for Maz to approve by the end of this term then I’ll be miles behind everyone else,” Rey related to him, worry in her eyes. “Between that, the mountains of homework I’m trying to complete, Zorii, Rose and trying to find _some_ time to spend with you, I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed.” Ben felt slightly hurt that he was adding to her woes but tried his best to hide it. Rey placed her face in her hands to hide her frustration from him.

“Are you sure you can’t come over,” he said, trying to sound helpful, but Rey gave him a look somewhere between irritation and disbelief and he dropped the subject. “Can I… Can I at least take you to class tomorrow? I hate that you have to take the subway by yourself.” He tried a different tack and she softened, but still rejected his offer.

“I couldn’t possibly ask you to take time away from work to drive me to Brooklyn,” she responded, “You’re working so hard and it wouldn’t be fair to take you away from your big project.” Ben couldn’t care less about his work, but Rey would have none of his protests. He was stuck spending his daytime hours navigating the financial mess when he would much rather have just a few more moments with her.

“Well, what about this weekend?” he asked. The sting of loneliness he felt when he had no distraction from the deep caverns of his own psyche was stronger than ever these days and it was making it hard for him to sleep. At least when he had Rey there was a calmness in his soul that allowed him to enjoy the pleasure of unconsciousness without interference.

“What did you have in mind?” she queried, leaning forward on the table and she saw his eyes dart down just for a moment before looking at her eyes.

“I’m sure I could come up with something,” Ben replied, and his hand felt rough and calloused on hers, rubbing circles in her palm. His touch was electricity, and the moment was only spoiled by the arrival of their meal. They straightened up, trying to look respectable, but knowing that they fooled no one. The best they could do was try to balance the modicum of decorum they could muster on the knife edge of their hunger for each other.

They were diverted from their back and forth by the food and Rey tried to eat as quickly as possible, knowing that the quicker they were finished the more moments they could steal away for other pursuits. Ben was of the same mind and they watched each other over their plates. Ben paid the check, impatiently checking his watch as the countdown to Rey’s self-imposed curfew drew nearer.

They hopped back on the bike to go back to her apartment and when they were finally in the sufficiently secluded area of the courtyard that separated the buildings, they couldn’t find it in them to resist any longer. Ben picked up Rey as if she weighed nothing and planted her on the edge of the picnic table in the corner of the courtyard. The roughened surface dug into the backs of her thighs, but she couldn’t find it in her to care. Rey knew that Ben wouldn’t take things too far when they were this exposed, but they both took things far enough that if they were to be discovered it would make both of them turn a deep crimson.

“Are you sure I can’t come up, just for a while?” he tried to plead, breathless.

Rey was sorely tempted, but her tests still lingered in the back of her mind casting worry and doubt on the encounter. “That would be…. counterproductive,” she said, straying from his lips to his jawline, finding that sweet spot and laying claim to it. She didn’t care that it would leave a mark, and Ben couldn’t find it in him to stop her. He was powerless to her charms and when she learned a new way to bring him to his knees, she latched on to it with zeal. He had endured some teasing from his coworkers, but it was nothing that a high collared shirt and a tie couldn’t disguise in front of the merging company’s associates.

“It was worth a shot,” he replied, and his hands glided from her knees to the tops of her thighs, beneath the skirt that she wore under the baggy sweater. As he attempted to maneuver around the fabric he found in his way, Rey’s resolve was challenged. Her breathing was ragged, and she attempted to stifle herself under his lips so as not to alert the entire building to the scene. He had her reclined on the picnic table when her swatch, a gift from Rose and Zorii, started to beep loudly.

Ben looked at the traitorous piece of plastic with contempt. “I really hate that thing.”

Rey was also slightly disappointed in the swiftness that her curfew had arrived, and it took a moment to come down from the fog that their intimate encounter had occasioned. She pined for the summer where these restrictions had been nonexistent. “This weekend?” she asked, the words a promise to help her get through the rest of the week.

“This weekend.” His response was firm, and he kissed her on the nose, helping her down from the table. She was a little wobbly but let herself be led by his strong grip. This was something that she really enjoyed about Ben. He was tall and thin but had a strength about him that was deceptive. She felt protected when he held her this way. It took all of her willpower that night to say goodbye to him.

The days passed in a blur, but the hours stretched out torturously slow as they crept towards the long-awaited weekend. Rey applied the red lipstick that made Ben’s eyes flicker to her face the most and the perfume that made her feel like she had bathed in flowers. She looked at the affect when she was finished getting ready and felt that her roommates’ lessons had not been in vain.

She grabbed her bookbag as she headed down to meet Ben outside. He had promised to take her to the library in Brooklyn really quickly before they started their day together. She needed to borrow a book that had been out on loan for the past few weeks. She had been promised by the librarian that if she made the trek today that she could snatch it up before it was claimed by another of her classmates. Ben had seemed amicable enough to the plan as long as she promised to put the books down when they got to his apartment. She had readily complied with the demand, unable to foresee a situation that would draw her away from his embrace.

He smiled as she joined him, and they sped away towards her school. The sparse leaves that lined the streets of Brooklyn were just starting to turn with a smattering of gold and red. She wondered languidly if she could convince Ben to take her to Central Park again to see the splendor of colors that would flourish in a matter of weeks. 

He pulled up outside of the library and she hopped off the bike ensuring him that she would only be a moment. She went in, collected the tome thankfully, stuffing it into her bag and practically skipped back out to Ben who now had a look of anxiety on his face.

“What happened?” she asked, wondering what could have possibly transpired in the ten minutes she had been inside the building. He showed her the beeper that he now sported, the newest intruder to vie for the precious moments they had to share. It was going off aggressively as “big emergency” flashed across the screen.

“I don’t know what could have gone wrong,” he said angrily, putting it back on his waist. “All they had to do was finish the reports for the meeting on Monday.”

“If you need to go, that’s fine,” she said, trying to fake cheerfulness for his sake. “I’m here at the library, and I can always try to get ahead on my studies.”

Ben looked at her with a mixture of concern and relief at her allowance of this interference on their first full day together in weeks. “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” she replied, looking him in the eyes to convince him. “Besides, you said you’d prepared them, so it shouldn’t take you very long to set things to rights.”

“Yeah, I suppose, I could be back here within the hour,” he said and ran his hand through his hair nervously. She kissed him on the cheek, encouraging him to go. “And you’ll be right here?”

“Of course,” she replied. “I’m sure that an hour won’t kill me.” He still wasn’t entirely convinced but Rey was firm and stayed planted on the sidewalk as she shooed him to go. “The sooner you go, the sooner you can come back.” He gave in to her influence and his motorcycle sped away, leaving her on the library. She did feel more annoyed at the interruption than she had let on, but couldn’t fault Ben for being so invested in his work when her own studies took so much of her own time.

Rey went back inside, taking out her books and managed to work her way through the assigned problems for her Computer Architecture course with Maz. She had even gone so far as to start reading ahead on the book when she looked at the clock and noticed that it was now nearly two hours since Ben had left. Rey bit her lip, looking at her watch to make sure that the clock on the wall wasn’t fast. She wandered to the payphones in the foyer of the library, going from one to the other until she found a suitable one to use. The first had a wad of gum stuck to the receiver and she gingerly set it back with disgust, the next had no dial tone, but the last was as clean as she could hope for and functional. She placed her coins inside, hearing them fall with a dull thud, pressed ‘0’ and was connected to the operator.

“Hello operator?” she said, “I’d like to make a collect call to Manhattan. Empire Finance Inc.”

The operator took a moment and then let her know that she would be connected. She waded through the receptionist’s queries asking for Ben and waited impatiently through the elevator music that sounded as she was transferred. It rung once, twice and she was nervous when the phone picked up.

“Hello?” Ben asked, all business.

“Hey, it’s me,” she said quietly, and she thought she heard him curse on the other end of the line.

He came back on and with audible remorse he said, “Rey, I’m so sorry. It looks like the paperwork we had prepared was accidentally shredded and the floppy disk we had everything saved on is already in the mail. I’m trying to get out of here as fast as I can, but it might be another hour before I get this disaster sorted.”

“Oh,” she said softly, disappointment barely disguised. “Well, if that’s what you have to do. Erm… do you mind if I go wander to the shops nearby? I won’t go too far, but I’ve already finished my schoolwork.”

“Of course,” he replied; he would have given her anything at this point to make up for this unexpected blunder of his team. “I’ll pick you up by the ice cream shop in an hour, ok? I promise.” She agreed, happy to have a plan again and packed up her schoolwork.

She hadn’t spent much time perusing the shopping on this side of the city, but there were several eclectic shops that she enjoyed looking at in passing as she hurried towards her classes. There were baubles and trinkets to amuse her as she gave each shop foot traffic. It was as she was just preparing to head to the agreed upon destination that she saw it: a dusty little camera shop.

Her curiosity was piqued, and she wandered inside, the bell jingling with a friendly tone behind her. Immediately she felt out of her element at the expensive lenses and bodies of cameras scattered around the store and on every surface of the walls. A saleswoman came over to inquire if she needed help and she answered her kindly enough. “I have no idea what I’m even looking at.”

The woman laughed, smoothing the bow on her blouse. “You wouldn’t be the first. Any particular experience level you’re searching for?”

“Erm, I’m not sure,” she said truthfully. She wasn’t sure how skilled Ben was or even if she could afford anything in this shop to begin with. The woman looked at her sympathetically and seeming to suss out the issue steered her towards a small display in the middle of the store.

Understanding dawned on Rey and she recognized the brand. “Oh, these are the ones that print the pictures, right?”

“Yes,” the sales woman said, “The Polaroid 600 series is one of our more affordable and beginner friendly lines.”

Rey reached out her hand and looked at the sticker on the box. “Oh. I can’t…. I can’t afford this much today.” It was $90, and it didn’t take her much mental calculation to look at her income of $3.35 an hour to realize that it would take her weeks to save enough for the camera in addition to her other expenses.

The saleswoman seeing the sale, helpfully suggested, “We do layaway! If you put $20 down today, you could have it paid off by Christmas. We throw in a box of film for free with every purchase.” Rey lit up at the suggestion and searched in her wallet for the crisp bill. She was too excited to care if it meant she needed to borrow from her piggy bank to pay for her subway fare the next week. The woman took one of the colorful boxes and attached a layaway tag to it, gave Rey a copy with her minimum payment, and placed the camera on a shelf behind her. Rey beamed at the impulsive decision and thanked the woman for her help.

She wandered out of the shop, shoving the tag in the pocket of her bookbag, and began to make her way to the ice cream shop. She saw Ben waiting there for her, and eagerly ran up to him.

“I hope you weren’t too bored waiting for me,” he said apologetically. “Find anything nice?”

“Oh, you know, the usual,” Rey said nonchalantly, “nothing too interesting.” He took her at his word, ready to be back at his apartment, and Rey’s insides fluttered at the secret. She forgot about it not long after, realizing the long-anticipated weekend was finally upon them. She clung to Ben, finally ready to catch up on every missed opportunity from the previous week as they sped towards the sanctuary of his flat.


	13. Waiting for a Girl Like You

_Long Island, NY, Late November 1987_

Rey fidgeted on the train to Long Island, watching the manicured lawns with no trace of autumn leaves left on them pass quickly by in the window. She was a bundle of nerves and she clutched at Ben’s hand as he sat looking absentmindedly outside. He switched his focus to her, squeezing her hand in answer and giving that small lopsided smile of reassurance.

It was too cold to take the Falcon around at this time of year, so they were on the train to his parents’ house and Rey was anxious about the first meeting.

When Ben had asked her a few weeks prior, it had taken her by surprise. She had been engrossed in her textbook on his couch, their attention divided but still enjoying each other’s mutual presence, nonetheless. He had appeared to be completely diverted by the evening news when suddenly he had looked at her, discomfort evident, and asked if she would like to come to Thanksgiving dinner with him at the end of the month. He wanted her to meet his family for the first time. Ben so rarely volunteered any information about his mother or father that oftentimes Rey simply forgot their existence. It hadn’t even taken her a moment to consider and she readily accepted the offer; being British she didn’t have any particular attachment to the American holiday, other than enjoying the additional holiday time that the school offered. Zorii always went with her family, dragging Poe along, and Rose alternated her time between Finn’s family and her own. Rey had always turned down their offers to join them, opting to enjoy the freedom and space that an empty apartment provided. She would gorge on junk while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and enjoy reruns of a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

She didn’t suppose she had considered what Ben’s plans might have been, and the opportunity to spend an impossibly long weekend with him before finals started in the next month seemed too good to refuse. It had only struck her later that she would need to share him with his parents. She wondered what kind of people they would be, and a week prior had managed to work herself into such a state of anxiety over whether they would like her or if she would like them that Zorii and Rose both needed to talk her off the ledge.

They first tried to assess what Ben had shared about them, but Rey couldn’t remember him speaking of them at all sans the one time she had explicitly asked. This seemed strange to both Zorii and Rose who would at least casually mention their family every week.

“Well,” Rose said uncertainly, “Ben’s nice… His family must be nice too.”

“I don’t know,” Zorii interjected, ever full of social tact, “Maybe they’re one of those creepy families that won’t let you even look at the food before saying grace and disowns you if you put your elbows on the table. Ben might just be such a total freak-a-zoid that he looped back around to normal on accident.” Rose shot her a look at this, shoving her as she shrugged. “I’m just saying, I’d be nervous if I didn’t know if my future in-laws were axe murderers.”

“In-laws?” Rey said, taken aback by the insinuation.

“Well, yeah,” Zorii continued matter-of-factly, “If he’s taking you to meet his family and he never mentions then, then it must be serious. I bet he’s going to ask for the family jewels while he’s there.” Zorii wiggled her ring finger at Rey when she didn’t understand.

“Oh! Are we – are we even ready for that?” Rey fretted, “I mean, we’ve only been dating for a few months.”

“You did say that you love each other,” Rose responded, ever the romantic. “And it’s not entirely uncommon.”

Marriage, a future that relied almost exclusively on another person’s whims, wasn’t something that Rey had ever seriously thought about before. She had never really had reason to, but now she supposed it _was_ what most people did at this point in their lives. Was it something that Ben thought about? It was on the list of things that they never really discussed, distracted as they were with other…physical pursuits. Rey didn’t have a family, so it had never occurred to her to ask about anyone else’s. This seemed to suit Ben just fine, but still…

It happened that her friends’ “advice” wasn’t helpful, and Rey shut down the conversation not long after, opting to suffer through the dread in private. If nothing else, they had put further concerns into her head about what exactly his parents were expecting, what Ben might be thinking, and how she needed to present herself upon the initial meeting. She supposed that she had always seen the long stretch of the future together with Ben, but now that things were in such sudden context, she felt uneasy.

She had attempted to gather clues from Ben prior to their departure. She desperately wanted to make a good first impression but had no idea what kind of people had raised him. His answers were vague at best and evasive at worst.

“So, what kind of things do you parents like to do?”

“Oh, normal stuff.”

It was infuriating.

So now she sat here on the train on this Wednesday afternoon, hoping against hope that she wasn’t about to walk into some horror movie where Ben’s parents asked her to come live on their compound in the Adirondacks. The train ride was passing impossibly slow as she checked her makeup again in the mirror. She hoped that his parents wouldn’t think her makeup was too heavy, but she hoped that they also wouldn’t think her lax in her appearance. Frankly, she didn’t know what she could expect and why it had never struck her how little Ben actually shared of himself.

The train pulled into the station of the small Long Island community and Ben stretched his long arms above his head with a load groan. He took up so much of the space in the train car that he had been cramped in the small seats. He took her bags for her along with his own and led them onto the train platform. She looked like a rabbit ready to run, and nervously scanned around, but there was no one there to greet them. She gave Ben a questioning look and he explained that they would be taking a cab. She exhaled a little too loudly and waited impatiently for their ride to arrive.

Her foot bounced agitatedly until Ben put his hand on her knee and looked her into the eye, reading her mind. “It’s going to be fine, I’m sure they’re going to love you.” She regarded him doubtfully, but at least managed to calm her fidgeting down.

Ben helped load their baggage into the back of a cab and told the driver where to take them. Finally, they arrived at a brown split-level house surrounded by houses that were of a similar make. With a heave, Ben grabbed everything again, waving off Rey’s attempts to help. She patted her sides nervously as she followed him. She noted that there were two vehicles in the driveway, a silver boxy shaped car and a brown pick-up truck. They stood like sentinels in the darkened driveway. Ben stepped onto the landing of the house, illuminated in the yellow incandescent glow of the porch light, and knocked on the door.

There was a stirring that Rey could barely make out through the lacey curtains on the door’s window panes, but after a minute of standing outside the door of the home swung open to reveal a short woman with greying hair amassed in a large bun on the top of her head.

“Han!” she called into the space behind her, “They’re here! Come help Ben with their luggage.”

An aged man who resembled Ben stepped into the landing and a smile lit his face. He took a suitcase that Ben handed to him, and Rey noted a bit of tension in the exchange but couldn’t process it before she was swept up into a hug by the matronly figure who had greeted them. She wasn’t used to these displays of affection from anyone, but her roommates or Ben and she stood frozen for a moment.

“You didn’t tell me how pretty she was, Ben” the woman said accusatorily, holding Rey at arm’s distance now to examine her.

Rey looked at him, and he sensed her discomfort, interjecting “Mom, please.”

Rey was released as the woman she now confirmed to be Ben’s mother seemed to remember myself. “Oh my, forgive me, I seem to have forgotten my manners. I’m Leia, Ben’s mother. And this is Han, his father.” She gestured to the man who had already disappeared with the bags down a hallway. “It’s so nice to meet you. Ben’s never brought a lady friend home with him.”

“Mooom!” Ben complained, and Leia looked at him with an expression that quelled him.

“Well, it’s true,” she replied dismissively and turned her attention away from her son. “Anyway, what’s your name, dear?”

“R-rey,” she said, not exactly sure what kind of situation she had walked into.

“Well, Rey, we are delighted to have you here with us. Why, when Ben asked if he could bring you along, we were absolutely beside ourselves. He’s normally so reclusive that it’s a wonder we can get him to even come out at all, let alone with company,” she said, and Ben looked like he would rather die than let the tirade continue.

“Mom,” he said, his voice strained with the exertion of feigning politeness, “I’m sure that Rey is very tired from the ride. Perhaps we should show her where she’ll be staying?”

“Of course,” Leia said, dropping the assault, “follow me, dear.” She led them down the hallway where Han had disappeared to a spacious bedroom on the left. “This is the guest bedroom, where we’ll have you situated, and Ben will be just down the hall in his old bedroom.”

Rey should have expected that they wouldn’t be in the same bedroom, but was mildly surprised, nonetheless. She quickly masked her disappointment at the sleeping arrangements and looked at Leia with a smile. “Thank you so much for inviting me into your home.”

“Oh, you’re so welcome here,” Leia responded warmly, putting her hand on Rey’s arm. Rey didn’t know what she had expected, but she hadn’t anticipated Ben’s family to be so… touchy. She wasn’t sure how to respond to all the sudden physical displays. “Now, Han and I thought, well, since most of the work will be tomorrow that we might have a little game night tonight.”

“Mom, I’m sure Rey doesn’t –“ Ben started but was cut off by the aforementioned.

“I’ve never had a game night before,” Rey said, “What would we play?”

“Well we have an assortment of games we used to love playing with Ben,” Leia said cheerfully, “Come with me and I’ll show you.” Rey had never really had the luxury of boardgames as a child, but the concept had always fascinated her in primary school. Ben saw defeat and gave in before she could look at him with pleading eyes. “I hope you don’t mind; I’ve ordered pizza. I can only stand to cook so much just once a year.” Rey happily agreed to the dinner plans.

Han rejoined them and the three of them decided that Rey should learn the classic “Monopoly” before moving onto the other games. Ben had resisted, insisting that he still wanted to have a girlfriend in the morning. His use of “girlfriend” seemed to thrill his parents. Rey felt herself blush slightly at the increased attentions. They settled down to the dining room table where they spread the cardboard mat out. Han was the banker, saying that he used to catch Ben trying to sneak extra money as a child. Rey got to pick first, and she chose the small grey top hat, commencing a small joke from Han regarding her accent. Han was the race car, Leia the dog, and Ben chose the shoe.

Rey relaxed as they played the board game, as the pizza arrived, and she found herself enjoying the company of these strangers so close to Ben’s heart. They were warm and kind and seemed to take to her immediately and she found herself enjoying their company as well. She wondered if this was what it would have been like to have parents. Her fears that had been exacerbated by her friends were now calmed and she truly relished in the family time that she was allowed to partake in with Ben.

Within the course of the game, they had learned about Rey’s schooling, her roommates and her interests. She parried with ease Han’s teasing and he even commented to Ben in an audible aside, “Hey, Ben, I like this girl. Make sure to keep her around.” Ben seemed to handle the banter with good humor, but there was an inexplicable tension in his movements that Rey wanted badly to ask him about. She refrained in front of his parents but made a mental note to catch him alone at some point during the course of the weekend.

Rey and Leia eventually ran out of money and the game was between Han and Ben. Ben made a fatal error finally, and Han celebrated victory by clapping him on the back with a, “Maybe next time, kid. Your old man still has it.” Something passed on Ben’s face and if Rey wasn’t hyperaware of him, she might have missed it. It was certainly gone as soon as it had come.

Ben faked a yawn, stretching for emphasis, and asked to be excused. “Well, of course, sweetheart,” Leia said, something like concern in her eyes as she saw through the ruse but was too polite to comment. Rey stayed and made small talk after Ben left until the couple decided to also retire for the night. It was a “big day tomorrow.”

Rey wandered down the hallway, passing pictures on the wood paneled walls of a happy family. Ben had short hair in most of them, contrasting the wayward locks he sported now. He looked more carefree than he did now. Rey had noticed the dark circles growing under his eyes lately as the merger neared the final weeks. According to Ben it would be wrapped up before Christmas, and she could tell how eager he was for the whole ordeal to be over.

She wandered in the direction that Leia had said his old bedroom was located, finding a narrow, steep staircase leading upwards. She cautiously made her way up, stopping as one step made a very loud squeak. Eventually she found herself in a small unlit bedroom that sat above the garage.

“Ben?” she hissed in the darkness and the shape on the bed rolled to look at her. He had been lying awake in the still air of the tiny space, and he reached to turn the small table lamp on. The area flooded with the dim light, casting shadows in the corners of the room.

“Hi,” he greeted her, and she padded across the sculptured olive carpet to sit next to him on the twin bed that seemed impossibly small for the grown man that he had become.

“So, your parents are…” she started, faltering as she searched for the words.

“Enthusiastic?” he offered, and she smiled at him.

“Very kind,” she finished. She saw that he wanted to say something but didn’t press him for it, instead looking around the dwelling that had once housed a teenaged Ben Solo. She could see bits of him on the walls: a poster on the ceiling of a band that had fallen out of favor, a few knickknacks strewn about, but there were also parts of him here that were unfamiliar. She looked at a myriad of medals and awards and a picture of the large eared boy with the neat short haircut in a scout’s uniform.

She pointed it out and he laughed saying, “Don’t remind me.”

“I think the shorts really complete the effect,” she teased looking at the short khakis he wore in the yellowed photograph, and he colored slightly, running his hand through his hair in that way he did when he was embarrassed or upset. She thought it was kind of cute how flustered he was becoming. “How long were you a scout for?”

“Years,” he responded, and for once his candor seemed to flow. “My dad wanted me to do it, and I made it all the way to Eagle Scout.” Rey wasn’t familiar with the term and so he tried to explain it.

She understood that it must have taken an incredible amount of dedication on his part and told him so.

“Yeah, well,” he shrugged, “I didn’t have much choice.”

Rey wasn’t sure how to respond to his statement and couldn’t bring herself to force him to elaborate, so she got up and started to examine the various medals scattered on the walls. It seemed like the room was a time capsule and hadn’t been rearranged since Ben had left it behind. She saw medals and letters for basketball, a few for various school prizes and competitions and wondered why Ben never told her about any of these pursuits. She looked from the photos of him on the walls and back at the him of the present, seeing something in his eyes that reflected her own. She could recognize loneliness when she saw it.

“So, maybe, I should?” she said awkwardly, gesturing vaguely to the door.

“Wait,” he called, reaching his arms out to her. “Can you stay for a little while longer? I just… I sleep better when you’re around.” She hesitated, not sure how far his parents’ goodwill would last if they caught them sleeping in the same bed, regardless of how many nights they had done just that while in the familiarity of the city. She couldn’t resist his eyes for long though, and joined him, spooning like they had on Montauk. The tension in his body seemed to go out of him with her touch and she felt at home as well. There was just something natural about the way that he wrapped his long arms around her, and soon they were both asleep, still in the clothes they had worn that day.

Rey woke slightly before dawn, and kissed Ben on the forehead before tiptoeing down the stairs to pretend that she had used the guest bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just part one of two for the Thanksgiving chapters :)


	14. Dancing in the Dark

_Long Island, NY, Thanksgiving Day, 1987_

As Rey thought she was in the clear, she heard a clearing of throats to her left and could have jumped three feet in surprise. She wondered how she hadn’t spotted the matriarch of the family, folding towels to place in the hall closet, but now the game was up.

“G-good morning,” Rey said nervously, not sure what reaction she would receive upon being caught red handed.

Leia for her part didn’t seem entirely surprised and with a knowing smile responded with another, “Good morning.” She went silently back to her task and Rey stood around feeling awkward before impulsively deciding to join her; at least attempting to be helpful felt less odd than waiting for Ben’s mother to comment on the impromptu sleeping arrangement. They worked in silence for some time, Rey quickly assessing how Leia completed the task and copying her.

“We’re very happy to have you here with us, Rey,” Leia finally said, her tone not full of the judgment Rey had expected. She sounded almost tired, in all actuality. “We’ve been very worried about Ben and….” She trailed off, sounding as if she had more that she wanted to say to her but didn’t know how to phrase it. “Well, I don’t think I’ve seen him happy like this in a long time. I think you have a large part in that, and I speak for both his father and I, when I tell you that we’re grateful to you.”

Rey blushed slightly, not sure how to respond. She knew there was something that Leia wasn’t telling her, and it set her heart to worry. She had seen parts of Ben in the short time they had been her with his parents that didn’t align with how he normally presented himself to her or to her friends. Rey opened her mouth to say something when the sounds of stirring filled the house and the moment was gone.

Han and Ben seemed to rouse at similar times, and it sent Leia into a flutter as she prepared for the day ahead. She pulled Rey into the scheme, setting her to chopping up bread for stuffing. The day seemed to pass in a blur as Rey helped with the turkey, the potatoes and anything else that Leia could manage to rope her into. By the end, they had a veritable feast, and Rey was actually a little excited to celebrate her first American Thanksgiving. She felt more at ease than she had the day before, busied as she was with preparations. Han sat in the living room, the Detroit football game playing on the TV as he and Ben argued about who would win.

Eventually they were interrupted by a knock on the door and an impossibly broad man with skin the color of freshly brewed coffee stepped inside. Han jumped up and they men clapped each other on the back in greeting. Rey saw him grab Ben and lift him several inches off the floor in greeting while Ben wheezed for breath.

“Hey…Uncle…Chewie,” Ben responded, panting slightly.

“Charles,” Leia said, coming out to give him a peck on the cheek.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Solo Family,” he said, his voice a loud baritone boom in the small space. “And who might this be?” He had just noticed Rey in the corner, mashing potatoes. She set down the large bowl and stood up, extending a hand to him and proffered her name, but he picked her up in a large bear hug as well.

“Charles Baccaus, but friends call me Chewie.” He let out a loud barking laugh as she seemed off kilter when he set her back on the ground. “I’ve been friends with Han over there since the war. Hope I came just in time for dinner.”

“You’re always welcome here, Charles,” Leia said affectionately, “just as long as you don’t expect me to cook like this every night. Once a year is plenty for me, especially after the election.”

“Well, you had my vote,” Chewie responded. “City councilwoman Solo.”

Rey listened intently, trying to glean anything and everything from the overheard conversations. She still knew so little about Ben’s family, even though they had charmed nearly everything they could out of her. As the conversation continued, she learned that Ben’s mother was a new politician, starting out on the City Council. Han complained that now Leia was going to be so busy with her new duties that he’d have to ask Chewie to look over his books at his contracting business. She chided him that he could always purchase one of those personal computers, and Han responded that he still thought they were just a fad (no offense to Rey, of course).

Finally, everything was ready to eat, the turkey glistening under the incandescent lights of the overhead lamp. Leia had pulled out cotton candy pink quilted placemats for them to eat on. Rey wasn’t used to the level of family involvement and for once she felt like she had found her place. Ben’s eyes kept flickering to her as they ate and she returned his gazes, finding his foot under the table as they sat across from each other. She perceived with mild interest how Han would take a drink, and Ben would follow, their mannerisms mirroring each other in an unconscious act of mime. She might have even teased them about it if Ben’s jaw wasn’t set grimly through the entire meal.

She didn’t have much time to reflect on her observations, however, as she found herself being asked the same slew of questions by Chewie that she had answered the previous night. Ben would occasionally chime in, complimenting Rey on her cleverness or her hard work. He seemed determined to deflect any questions about himself and steered the conversation always back to Rey’s many charms. Rey was starting to grow tired of the onslaught of praise and felt the need to speak up on his behalf after another question about her recently approved thesis.

“Well, I couldn’t be prouder of Ben, lately,” she said, and he looked at her, his eyes like those of a cornered animal, unsure of what she might say in front of his parents, “He’s really taken on quite the workload recently. He’s negotiating a particularly important company merger. He’s been quite dedicated to it, actually. It’s been quite the project.”

This turned the attentions of Leia and Han to him, and he coughed slightly as a blush crept over his face.

“Well, that’s…” Leia started, “that’s wonderful, honey.” She ended more confidently than she had started. Rey caught a look of flint on Han’s face that he quickly hid.

“Are you sure that’s the best idea?” Han asked, his voice calm, but something like disapproval in his voice.

“Henry,” Leia cautioned firmly, putting her hand on Han’s arm and giving him a hard look. “I’m sure that Ben is taking all the necessary…. precautions.” Ben looked as though he wanted to disappear entirely into the floor and Rey looked between them all, knowing that she was not privy to something but unable to discern what it could be.

Chewie with a skill that could only have come from frequent practice turned the conversation away from these dangerous waters, choosing to inject humor by asking “when the wedding was”. Rey and Ben both colored at the question, and Rey choked on her water, leading Chewie to heartily thump her on the back.

“Oh, I don’t know if we’re–“she started, but Leia cut her off, chastising Chewie with playful affection.

“I’m sure it’s far too early for any of that kind of talk,” Leia said, cutting her turkey with an elegant air. The table seemed to relax at the banter, and the conversation went back to trivialities. Rey didn’t dare to bring up Ben’s work again, and the meal ended quietly. Leia started to clear away the table, and Ben hopped up to help her, busying himself and keeping his eyes from Han’s stare. He let his mother plant a kiss on his cheek and then disappeared out the backdoor, heading toward the garage.

“Rey, dear, would you help me pack some of this food up? I want to make sure that I send you both with some home; heaven knows the two of us won’t eat it all,” Leia called, and Rey got up eagerly to assist her. She thought pleasantly that she could get used to family gatherings like this if they all ended up with her being spoiled with the leftovers. She didn’t notice Han stand up from the table, clap Chewie on the back and follow Ben outside.

Rey finished cleaning and flopped on the loveseat in the living room, ready to fall into a stupor from the amount of food she had consumed. The sudden sound of raised voices startled her back into alertness. She could hear Ben arguing quite vehemently with Han, but the words of the quarrel were muffled through the layers of drywall and insulation. She could hear the back and forth of the shouting, and then a door slammed hard enough to shake the house. A second slam sounded much closer and Han stomped inside, breathing heavy and face reddened.

“Henry James Solo!” Leia exclaimed, rushing over, “What did you say to him?!” Han deflated nearly instantly at the anger his wife aimed at him. He held up his hands in defense as she reared back again, “We talked about this. You know how hard it was to convince him to come at all.” She had the start of tears in his eyes and Han was the soul of remorse. He reached out to touch Leia, but she recoiled, and Rey found herself incredibly uncomfortable, forgotten during the confrontation. She had seen many of her foster “parents” scream at one another before, but it never ceased to make her want to disappear from sight as quickly as possible. Chewie cleared his throat, having joined her on the couch, and Rey looked at him; he gestured discreetly to the front door and Rey darted as inconspicuously for it as possible, not even bothering to grab her coat.

The landscape of the suburban neighborhood was incredibly foreign to her, and she knew without a guide she would quickly become lost, but she had to find Ben. He couldn’t have gotten very far, but she narrowed her eyes in the dimming light of the encroaching evening to see if she could spot him. Impulsively she took a right down the road of identical houses, the cold nipping at her hands and feet. She wandered further, striding with purpose, hoping that some sign of him would appear to her. She found herself finally at a small children’s park and could just barely make out the silhouette of a tall figure on the swing set. Her physical discomfort was momentarily forgotten as she hurried to Ben’s side. He was breathing with purpose, four beats in through his nose, 6 out through his mouth with his eyes closed. He didn’t seem to notice Rey as she joined him until she quietly called out to him, sitting on the swing seat next to him. He looked over at her, opening his eyes in the dark.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

“Hi,” he echoed. They swung together in silence for some time, neither sure where to start.

He took a deep breath, looking at her, “Rey I – I have something I want to tell you.”

“You have problems…with your dad?” she asked, trying to help him along.

“N…I mean, yes,” he replied, slightly caught off guard. “I didn’t want you to see all of…that” He vaguely gestured in the direction of his parents’ house. 

“Ben,” she said sincerely, “I may not have a lot of experience with biological parents, but I want you to know that you can – you can trust me. I love you. Do you want to talk about it?”

He regarded her for a moment, fidgeting with the chain of the swing. “My dad…well…he’s always had certain expectations of me. Sometimes he doesn’t agree with my choices and…well, you heard.”

Rey put her hand over his as it clenched the metal links of the swing set. Her fingers came away wet as they grazed over the raw patches on his knuckles. She got up to face him and put her hands on either side of his face, smoothing his hair back and kissed him on the forehead. And then on the nose, and then his cheeks and eventually she found his lips. He kissed her back with earnest, a tenderness in him that he normally hid from her. It was at this point that her body betrayed her, and she began to shiver. She rubbed her hands roughly on her arms, trying to will the gooseflesh to disappear as it ended the moment.

Ben was not fooled and stood up with a sigh. “I suppose we’ll have to go back. C’mon, Rey.” He took off the flannel shirt he had over a black t-shirt and wrapped it with a flourish around her shoulders. The shirt was looser on him than it had been during the summer where he had filled it out with broad shoulders and taut muscle. Now he was verging on too lean. Her musings were put to an end as he entwined his fingers in hers and led her back to the house. She let him take her hand and when he touched her, she found stillness…and yet. The seed of unease had been planted in her mind as she walked beside the man she loved. He squeezed her hand gently, and she did her best to conceal her thoughts, but resolved that one day she would know everything about him.


	15. Little Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toot toot, all aboard the angst train.

_NYC, Mid-December, 1987_

He had meant to tell her. He really had tried. When she had come to him in the park, he was resolved that she would finally know the darkest parts of him, and hopefully she would still want to be with him. But then, she began to comfort him and had given him an easy out by throwing his relationship with his father into the conversation, and like a coward, he had taken it.

He blamed his father, because it was easy to do so. Han had followed his son outside and had tried to talk to him about Rey, but it had devolved into conflict as it always seemed to do now.

“Knock, knock,” Han had said softly, interrupting the stillness Ben sought in the stale air of the garage that always smelled slightly of sawdust and motor oil. Ben had acknowledged him, and Han had stepped fully into the space. They were of a height together, but Ben always felt slightly intimidated by his father’s presence. “So, Rey…..She’s a really nice girl.”

“Yeah, she is,” Ben replied, not liking where he foresaw the conversation going, but unable to stop it. This was always how Han approached him when he wanted to “correct” his son. It started with a talk, but usually devolved into a shouting match. Ben could feel his hackles already rising as he prepared to defend himself.

“I can tell you really like her, and she really likes you,” Han continued. Ben didn’t bother to correct him. He didn’t just _like_ Rey, he was fairly certain that she was the love of his life. “So, I’m going to ask you once, have you told her about your… problem?”

He felt shame in the question. He wanted to tell his father yes, but couldn’t lie under the stern, hard gaze. “No,” he said sullenly, feeling like he was being treated like a petulant child. Han already knew the answer anyway but was just pushing for verbal confirmation.

“When?” Han said, and Ben was silent, the anger in him growing like metal held too long over an open flame.

“That’s none of your business.” Ben knew the response, full of anger and an underpinning of fear was like throwing gasoline on a fire but couldn’t resist. His father’s face grew red and his eyes narrowed.

“You can’t lie to someone if you intend to marry them,” the words were spoken with a coolness that didn’t match the anger on his face, and Ben’s face betrayed him as his father immediately got to the core of his intentions. “That’s what you’re planning to do right? You’ve never mentioned girls to either of your mother or I, now suddenly you bring one with you to dinner?” Ben’s face burned as the truth he hadn’t even wanted until recently to admit to himself was laid bare before him. He had thought about it more seriously lately, and when he got the bonus from completing the merger, he intended to go to every jewelry store in Manhattan until he found the perfect token for Rey.

“I don’t see how you have any room to talk,” Ben said, his voice growing quiet but full of venom.

“Excuse me,” Han said, his tone now full of rage, “What did you just say to me?”

“I said,” Ben replied, rising in decibels with each syllable, “You have no room to lecture me. You were never even here unless it was _convenient.”_ He spat venom at his father.

“I am your father!” Han retorted, “And you are in my house!” Ben was suddenly seventeen again, screaming to the heavens to be heard, but mute to anyone that mattered.

“I’m not a fucking child!” The two men were nearly nose to nose as they shouted and they had both turned the same shade of crimson as the argument began to escalate.

“Then stop acting like one! You can lie to yourself and to her,” Han yelled, pointing a finger back towards the house, “But you can’t lie to me. You look bad, Ben. You are going to kill yourself if you don’t stop, and you’re going to drag that poor girl down with you.”

“You don’t know anything about it, and I don’t have to listen to this shit!” Ben shouted with finality and turned on his heel to leave. He slammed the side door of the garage, and it vibrated the entire house with his force. He stomped down the darkened street, the crisp autumn air doing nothing to quell his fury. He punched a tree in his blind wrath and his knuckles bore the evidence. The further he traveled, however, the more that the truth in the argument smarted him. His father hadn’t been _wrong_ , per se, regardless of the delivery of his message.

He hadn’t told Rey everything about himself, and he was afraid at this point. He didn’t know how she would react to his past and the not knowing was terrifying. At this point she could only make judgments on what he chose to share and that was very little. It was safe. But she had revealed the truest and hardest parts of herself to him, didn’t he owe her the same? He resolved in himself that he would have to tell her. But he didn’t. And then he didn’t the next day or the day as Ben navigated the tense calm in his former home.

His father was pointedly not interacting with him, probably due to his mother’s influence. Anything they said to each other at this point would just cause another confrontation. Leia had apologized profusely to Rey when they had come back, embarrassed at the outbursts that she had witnessed. Rey took it with grace and Leia was mollified. They left on Sunday morning and the long train ride back seemed like a good opportunity to tell her, but again he didn’t.

He kept finding excuses to prolong the happy existence between them that was based on half-truths, and as the week progressed, and the next after it the burning need to tell her began to diminish. Now, he was in the last hours of the merger and it seemed unnecessary. What was in the past should stay there, and he didn’t see the point of burdening her with a history that would only cause her pain and dredge up her own worst memories.

Finally, the last signature was placed, the last meeting adjourned, and Ben breathed a gigantic sigh of relief as the light at the end of this corporate hellhole of a tunnel was revealed. He had taken the mess his predecessor had left and actually managed to negotiate it into a triumph for Empire Finance. Mr. Snoke clapped him on the back at the end of the meeting, telling him that he saw big things in his future. Ben had told him that he was honored to have worked on the project.

“Well, honor is all well and good, but I know that all you boys are really after one thing,” Snoke had chuckled and he procured an envelope with a crisp check inside, addressed to Benjamin Solo. Ben opened it as Snoke looked on expectantly and his jaw dropped at the amount. It was a full ten percent of his annual income, and he was at a loss for words.

“Mr. Snoke, I don’t know what to say,” Ben said, suddenly extending his hand to Snoke.

“Well, say that you’ll stay on as _Vice President_ of Acquisitions and Exchanges,” Snoke replied jovially accepting the handshake, and then switched to hushed tones. “And between you and I, there are…opportunities when you know where the money is going.”

“Sir?” Ben asked but was cut off as a crowd of his coworkers gathered round him and inundated him with details about the party that was being organized that night in celebration of the end to the project. He gladly accepted, not having seen anything but the inside of the office before eight at night in months. Snoke had waved the men off, with a lighthearted jolliness at their mirth and Ben walked with purpose to his small cramped office.

He located his phone amongst the piles of spreadsheets and paperwork and pressed each button with delight. The phone rang and a woman’s voice picked up on the other end.

“Silk Star Boutique, this is Zorii. Like, what’s your damage?”

“Hey, Zorii, it’s Ben, is Rey there?”

“Rey!” Zorii called loudly, and Ben took the receiver from his ear at her volume. He heard noises in the background of the call and then the familiar voice took over.

“Hello?” Rey intoned, and Ben answered.

“Hey, beautiful,” he started, “We’re going out tonight to celebrate the end of the merger. Can you come out? I’m thinking we spend a little time with everyone at the bar, then leave, maybe dinner, drinks, roses? Are roses too much?” His elation was palpable.

“Ben,” Rey started hesitantly, and it was like someone had dumped ice water on him, “I can’t tonight, I’m sorry. I barely managed to get away from studying for finals to work today; I have to go back to Brooklyn and meet with my study group after my shift. Maybe…. maybe this weekend?”

“No, it’s fine,” he replied, trying to still sound cheerful, “I’m sure, um…I’m sure I can manage with everyone else.” He ran his hand through his hair hoping that she couldn’t hear the disappointment in this voice.

“Ok,” she said, uncertainty tainting the sentiments, “Um, just have fun, I guess?”

“Yeah,” he replied, wanting to get off the phone now, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He hung up before she could reply, and he felt instantly guilty at his sulking. He knew he’d have to make it up to her and sighed heavily. He couldn’t really fault her for being involved in her studies, but he wished that her exams had come with better timing. He supposed that a night of merriment with the comrades who had been in the trenches of this financial disaster with him wouldn’t be out of place, and perhaps it was the break he needed to clear his head. He wrapped up the day by smoking one of the Cuban cigars he’d been saving in his drawer; with all of the details finally hammered out and finished there was surprisingly little for him to do and he reclined in the large chair.

He put on his coat and joined the throng at five, their excitement contagious. He felt a bit like a raucous fraternity brother again in their midst and soon enough they had all piled into a sophisticated bar several blocks from the financial district. Ben presumed it had once been a lively disco in the last decade, but now the walls soared with projected colorful lights and was filled to the brim with people in all stages of dress. Some, like him, were still in their business suits, others in colorful outfits complete with fingerless gloves, and still more in various costumes.

He took a shot of clear liquid when it was passed to him by one of his teammates, wincing as the sour taste of the tequila hit the back of his throat. The room was almost impossibly warm, and he shed his suit jacket and unbuttoned his high collared shirt. His tie was draped loosely around his neck, and the remnants of Rey’s latest assault some week ago were faded but apparent, yellowing on his flesh.

He continued to indulge in anything and everything that was handed to him and soon enough he knew that he was incredibly drunk. If he hadn’t been so intoxicated, perhaps he would have seen her sooner, or been able to make an excuse to leave before she stopped directly in front of her. As it was, all he could do was blink dumbly as Bazine tossed her teased brown hair in mock flirtation.

“Oh, hi, Ben,” she said, her voice full and bubbly in a way that he hadn’t recalled since they had first met. At first, he assumed it was a trick and narrowed his eyes.

“Bazine,” was all he could manage to get out and hoped that it sounded sufficiently casual. “Don’t you have someone else to bother?”

She laughed, her voice girlish and high pitched, “Oh, you’re so funny. Howard is getting me a drink, of course.” Howard? The Howard who worked four offices down from him? “He told me that you just had a big win today.” Bazine was getting impossibly close to him, flattening down the collar of his shirt. He could smell the perfume she wore. He tried to back up but tripped on a stool and his own two feet and ran his lower back into the bar.

“Oh please,” she said, waving off his nervous attempt at escape with irritation, “no need to do all of that. You’re _safe_ with me.” Somehow, Ben didn’t feel the security that she spoke of. “Afterall, I have Howard and you have….” She spotted the fading bruises on his neck, her eyes lighting with a petty glee, “A vacuum cleaner, I presume?”

  
Ben covered his neck with his hand, attempting to conceal the evidence that Rey had left on him. “What do you want?”

She was the soul of hurt at his comments and her voice gushed at him, “Why, can’t I just stop to talk to an old friend? Benjamin Solo, wherever are your manners?”

His head felt fuzzy and no witty rejoinder occurred to him. Bazine had him in her crosshairs and he just hoped that someone would intervene on his behalf.

“You look like shit,” she said, lighting a cigarette casually as she observed him. “Hasn’t anyone told you?”

“Fuck off,” he replied, and she cackled.

“Very nice. I’m glad you haven’t lost any of your charm. You really know how to woo a girl,” Bazine replied, sidling closer to him again. “Is your gal pal the reason that you look so strung out?”

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Ben said, gritting his teeth as a feral rage built inside of his chest.

“Relax,” she replied coolly, blowing smoke into his face. “I’m just saying, you look like you could use a pick me up. And don’t deny it, I know what strung out looks like.” He couldn’t say anything in response. She wasn’t necessarily wrong; he had stopped calling his sponsor regularly and had stopped attending meetings. He had at first been so consumed by Rey that he didn’t notice the creeping thoughts slink back into the deep recesses of his mind. His commitments to sobriety seemed easy then, because she had been his distraction and his salvation. Then he had been completely taken in by the merger at work, and his sleep and sanity had both suffered under the monumental strain. He had reasoned that they would go away once the project was finished, and that he was simply just overworked. There was no need to worry himself, he was fine; he had everything completely under control.

She finished her cigarette and clucked her tongue, reaching into the small clutch purse she carried. “Now, because I’m feeling _so_ generous, I’m going to give you a little taste that should set you right as rain.” She once again invaded his personal space and he felt her slip something into the pocket of his suit pants, her hands groping there just a few moments too long. She slid her palm upward, caressing his chest and spreading her fingers over the wrinkled folds of his shirt.

“Please don’t,” he whispered as she looked him over with a predatory gaze.

“What are you so afraid of? I’m not going to hurt you,” she replied, and drew his head down to hers. She was kissing him fiercely and for a moment, out of reflex, muscle memory, or instinct he couldn’t say, he was kissing her back. Suddenly, alarms blared in his foggy mind and with sharp awareness he realized what was happening and pushed Bazine away from him roughly.

“What are you doing?” he yelled, his voice slightly drowned by the thump of synth music in the background. He was horrified with what had transpired, and he felt immediate shame. He pushed past her, trying to run as fast and as far away as possible. His insides churned from the copious amount of alcohol in his system and he had a stitch in his side as he found himself in an alleyway. He doubled over to catch his breath and lost the contents of his stomach in a swirling mass of bile on the pavement. He stood up, wiping the corner of his mouth on his arm and was filled with a bitter mixture of despair and rage.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!” he cursed the heavens and kicked a metal trash can with ferocity until there was a sizable dent in the side and he was fairly certain he had a broken toe. He took deep breaths to steady himself, leaning against the cold brick as his heart pounded in his chest. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind, each filled with dark possibility. Rey raced through his mind and he thought of her sparkling laugh, her gentle smiles for him, the way that she looked when she needed him and how if she were to find any of the events of that night out, all of that would disappear. He was a trapped animal, struggling against bonds of his own making. A profound calm washed over him as he finally resolved to take the secrets of his addiction and of Bazine to his grave, rather than risk losing the only bright light his life possessed.

He walked home, limping slightly as he struggled through the twenty blocks with his injured foot, and saw the light on his answering machine flash at him in the dark. He pressed play and heard her voice sound out to him, echoing through the room and his guilt pressed in on him like a vice. It was as if the universe was purposely torturing him.

_“Hey Ben, it’s Rey. I’m sorry I couldn’t come out tonight. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you though. Let’s celebrate together this weekend. Love you! Bye!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me, the next couple chapters are gonna be a bumpy ride, but ultimately it's going even out.


	16. Careless Whisper

_NYC, Late December 1987_

Ben checked over every detail of his appearance in the small mirror of his bathroom. He adjusted the bowtie of his tuxedo, made sure his cufflinks were settled and smoothed back his hair again. His hand went reflexively to his jacket pocket where he felt the small box stashed there and had to take a deep breath to keep himself calm. He had never been surer about anything as he was that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Rey. He looked at his wrist watch, noted the time and swore under his breath as he rushed to grab the keys of the car he had rented for the night.

It was the annual holiday gala for Empire Finance and Rey had been flattered and flustered when he had invited her to the black-tie event. She fretted that she didn’t know what she would wear but he had assured her that he didn’t care, and she would look stunning regardless of her attire. The unending flow of champagne and the pageantry of the night was something he had previously attempted to avoid, but now with her on his arm he actually looked forward to it. Rey’s classes were finally finished for the semester, and even though she intended to use the break between terms to focus on her thesis, he knew the demands on her time would still be lessened dramatically.

He drove in silent reflection as he mentally rehearsed the events that would lead to him falling to one knee before her and hoping for her acceptance. This event seemed as romantic an opportunity as he would ever be handed, and he wasn’t going to waste it. As he arrived, he checked everything over in the mirror before parking and heading to press the familiar buzzer. He was admitted quickly and hopped up the stairs two at a time as he made his way to the door of her apartment. He didn’t even have to knock as Rose swung the door open for him.

“Well, don’t you look dashing,” she said, taking in his appearance. “Rey is nearly ready.” He stepped inside at her insistence feeling a bit like a gawky teenager picking up his prom date while her mother gushed.

Rose didn’t help things as she called out, “Rey, there’s a handsome gentleman caller here for you.”

Rey’s laugh tinkled from deeper in the apartment, “Just a minute, Ben. I’m almost done.”

As she stepped around the corner, he had to consciously keep his jaw from dropping at her appearance. She was a vision in red organza that flowed like a waterfall from her waist. A small keyhole at her collarbone showed just enough to make him nervous, and her hair was piled on the top of her head in a sleek bun while small ringlets cascaded down from her temples. She had clearly received help in preparing for this night and she glided, albeit somewhat awkwardly in Zorii’s stilettos, to meet him by the door. He held out his arm and she placed her small hand on it with a smile. He could look at her like this all evening and he warmed at the thought that very soon she would be his entirely.

She fidgeted as they drove, and he moved one of his hands from the steering wheel to cover hers, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. He brought the car into the valet parking lane of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, stepping out and going around to help Rey out of the car. He tossed the keys to the valet attendant with a smile and they moved to join the throng of glittering new arrivals. They made their way to the ballroom, and Ben could hear the band playing a medley of relatively recent hits.

“It’s beautiful,” Rey said, looking in wonder at the glamourous trappings of the holiday party. Large trees filled with hundreds of shiny baubles, tinsel and lights twinkled along the walls.

“Next year, it will be even bigger,” Ben said casually, “They held it here because the Rainbow Room isn’t opening again until next week.” Rey was in awe at this news and Ben enjoyed being able to cause her raptures.

Ben checked in with the staff and he was given his table number with a “Mr. Solo, so nice to see you here.” Rey smiled at him, indulging his slight showboating for this night, and followed him to the round table covered in ornate crystal. Ben pulled out her chair for her and she blushed at his gallantry. There was a small menu on top of the dinner setting and Rey picked it up, examining it as Ben put his hand on her knee beneath the table. They were the first to be seated at this table and she smirked at him, draping her leg over his shin. They jumped apart slightly as they were joined by another couple, Hux and a woman that Ben had come to recognize as Mr. Snoke’s personal assistant.

“Solo!” Hux exclaims upon seeing him and Ben nods at him, almost a hint of a smile on his face. He wouldn’t say that he was friends with Hux, even now, but he wasn’t _not_ friends with him either. There was something almost endearing about the bumbling way that the man went through life, and as long as he didn’t try anything with Rey again, he had no qualms with him.

“Hux, I see you’ve managed to procure a…date?” Ben gestured vaguely to the blonde woman who nearly exceeded Hux’s gangling frame.

“This is Phasma,” Hux said, and his date, who Ben usually remembered having a severe look to her anytime he had met with Snoke, colored slightly at the pale hand in her own. She seemed shyer and more reserved in a dress than she normally did in the power suits she regularly donned at the workplace. “I finally convinced the little minx to let me take her out.”

“You make a lovely pair,” Rey interjected as Ben searched for words. Minx and Phasma weren’t normally words that he would pair together, but he supposed he found some amusement in Hux’s unconcerned ineptitude toward women. He supposed that the two did seem like a good, alebit unorthodox, match, and if it meant he didn’t have to “wing man” him as Hux would say, all the better.

Phasma took to Rey as the only other female present at the table, showing appreciation for her easy and charming manner. Ben reflected that there was a magnetism in her unassuming personality that, although she was as shy as he, naturally drew people to her. They were like polar opposites in some regards, but direct complements in others.

The two women chatted, and Rey drew out the tale of how neither she nor Hux had had dates for the gala until the previous Monday. Hux had been hanging around Snoke’s office more and more these days to the general chagrin of the majority of his coworkers and had noticed Phasma puffy eyed and out of sorts. Apparently, one of the men who was already on the trading floor, Mikata, had commented to his cohorts within her earshot that Phasma’s shoulder pads made her look even more like a linebacker than usual. She was a somber woman, but she still had feelings after all and had quickly made herself scarce. Hux had seen her afterwards and had complimented her sense of professional style and how he wished that more women would take the workplace as seriously as she did. It did not take long for him to recognize his unexpected triumph and capitalize on it with Phasma. The rest was, as they say, history, and so she sat here with him as his date and an odder pair at the party couldn’t be found.

Waiters came over to start taking the party’s orders, and Rey couldn’t seem to decide between the options, chicken marsala with risotto, or a finely sliced flank steak with a side of artisanal potatoes. She finally made her selection and Ben made sure to order the opposite so that she was able to try both. She always did this when they went out to eat, and her taste was as good as his own when it came to food, so he never had a problem choosing the second-place dish so that she wouldn’t have to miss out. As they waited for their food, Ben handed Rey champagne and it eased her tension around all of the unfamiliar people.

They chatted with Hux and Phasma, indulging in whatever inane subject matter that Ben’s awkward coworker could divine, and Ben enjoyed listening to Rey’s sparkling laugh so much that he didn’t even catch Phasma ask her how the two of them had met until he heard Hux start giving an account.

“It was fated, of course,” Hux said, trying to sound profound, “but he wouldn’t have gotten very far if I hadn’t help set _the mood.”_ Rey tried to conceal a giggle as a cough into her champagne flute and quirked an eye at Ben. The corner of his mouth tugged up slightly and he tried to maintain his dignity until he heard “And to think that he was there for a completely different reason.” Ben coughed loudly, interrupting Hux’s rambling and everyone looked at him with concern.

He mock thumped his chest and with a feigned apologetic look at the gathering he said, “Sorry, wrong pipe.” He turned to Rey, hoping to distract her away from what would be an uncomfortable conversation and held out his hand to her as the sultry jazz tones of the band signaled a new song. She hadn’t noticed the odd segue thankfully and let him pull her up and lead her to the dance floor. A few other couples were mutually engaged on the shiny marble floor as the lounge singer’s husky voice rung out, _“Diamond life, lover boy. He move in space with minimum waste and maximum joy…”_

Ben tried to recall the basic dancing steps his mother had taught him as the saxophone crooned to the crowd. Rey didn’t seem to mind in the slightest as he turned her on the dance floor in a slightly awkward flourish. Her red dress floated around her, making her look like a flower in full bloom. Her heart fluttered as he brought her close, his hand on her waist. She wasn’t very steady on the dance floor either and gladly let him lead them in a lazy swirl. Their inexperience didn’t hinder their enjoyment of the music and movement on the floor and Ben in an attempt at suave dipped Rey to the end of the music. She hadn’t been expecting it, and when he pulled her back up, she stumbled into him, slightly breathless. He was acutely aware of her proximity to him and the way that they were pressed together on the dance floor. His moment hadn’t arrived just yet and he cleared his throat a bit, noticing some of the people on the sidelines watching them. A pink tinge crept into Rey’s cheeks and they wandered back to the table.

It wasn’t long before the wait staff brought them their meals, steaming on carts draped in linen. Rey tried to maintain an air of dignification, but Ben saw her struggle as she eagerly cut into the chicken breast on her plate, smothered as it was in a white wine sauce and dotted with diced cherry pieces. His wandering fingers found hers on the table and rubbed her hand with affection. He could get lost in her as she discreetly blew a kiss to him and bit her lip.

When they had finished eating Rey allowed him a few more dances before becoming flushed and suggesting they find a place to cool down. The pair made their way to the balcony, a gentle snow descending upon them. Rey closed her eyes and breathed in the frosty air. She turned to look at him and Ben in a display of habit tucked the ringlet of hair that draped down her temple behind her ear. He leaned in and kissed her fiercely and she let him, hands entangling into his locks. She stepped into him and he wished that they were home as his hands roamed over the smooth surface of the dress her roommates had picked for her. They parted, panting and he felt the prickle of gooseflesh on her arms as he held her. He had smudged off her lipstick and she laughed a bit as she thumbed the red cream off of his lips.

“I think I should go fix this,” she said, breaking the spell as she waved to her face. “If you look like that, I must look…” Stunning? Ethereal? Like the most beautiful woman he had ever had the pleasure of viewing? She didn’t finish but he could think of a thousand epithets that didn’t seem to cover his feeling. He felt her disentangle from him and wandered close behind as they rejoined the party. He could feel his time running out, knowing that his moment would be close at hand, and told her that he would find them more champagne. She cheerfully agreed, making her way toward the hallway that led to the ladies’ room.

He resituated his own appearance, looking for a waiter when his blood suddenly ran cold in his veins. He saw her flirting with Howard, a hand precariously situated on his knee, at a table that was on the other end of the ballroom and quickly ducked out of sight. He cursed the appearance of Bazine and tried to recalculate how he could still end the night with Rey’s secured promise if they left the gala early. A few options presented themselves and he felt content with the new plan. He wandered back to the table, taking inventory of their possession when a hand clapped his back.

He whirled to find Mr. Snoke looking at him, his cheeks rosy from drink. “I’m glad to have found you, m’boy. A wonderful party, yes?”

“Of course, sir,” he said, genuflecting to the old man.

“And I saw that you had a lovely bloom on your arm this evening,” Snoke said, humor and understanding in his voice. “A very lovely young lady, I’m sure. I hope you don’t mind me saying that you’re exactly the sort of young man that we need more of in our office. You’ve really turned it around, Solo, especially after all of that kerfuffle last spring. I hope that we’ll be seeing more of you at our corporate events, especially if you bring that fine young creature with you.”

“I hope that we’ll be able to join you frequently,” Ben replied, shaking Snoke’s hand as the old man guffawed.

“Very well, very well. Enjoy the party!” Snoke said summarily, turning to rejoin his squat wife who was bedecked in costume jewelry. Ben began to gather up Rey’s small purse and their coats and Hux let out a small complaint.

“Not leaving so soon, are you?” he asked, and Ben tried to hide his nervousness.

“Oh, just, Rey’s feeling a bit tired,” he lied, and tried to make it sound believable.

Hux’s features took on a new understanding and he practically waggled his eyebrows at Ben. “Oh! Well, don’t let us keep you.” Phasma gave him a curt but polite goodbye and he spun around to leave, his eyes darting to the far table. He hoped that Bazine hadn’t noticed him, but his stomach dropped to see her empty chair. His heart drummed an anxious pounding and he attempted to maintain a calm air. Rey had only gone to the bathroom, right?

He made his way toward the hallway that housed the ornate washrooms but didn’t make it that far before he saw Rey again. As her eyes locked on his, he could feel his breathing stop and all thought and speech left him. She was blazing, practically shaking, with a white-hot fury and it was trained on him with an intensity that made his knees weak and his stomach turn. His mind was sluggish as it tried to find words, something, anything that might quell the inferno before him. He walked up, his legs betraying him, and he found that he could only utter her name.

“Rey –“

“Don’t ‘Rey’ me,” she said, her rage barely contained in the words.

“Baby,” he said quietly, attempting the impossible as he tried to take her hand, “Can we take this outside?”

Rey shook off his poor attempt at saving face, and when he tried more resolutely to grab her hand she yelled “Don’t touch me!” By this point, they had attracted the stares of many people in the ballroom and he felt their eyes on his back like daggers. He was playing with fire but tried again to grab her. Maybe he could just carry her out before the scene devolved further. He didn’t like the thought, but at this point was willing to do just about anything to turn the titters of mirth in the crowd away from himself.

Rey dodged his advances with skill, and shouted again, “I said, don’t fucking touch me, Ben Solo!”

“Rey, you’re –“ he started, frustration welling up in him at her unwillingness to take their dispute to a more private location. He was cut off by a sharp sting that made him see stars and twisted his head completely to the side. She had slapped him with all the considerable force she could muster, and he could already feel the imprint of her fingers swelling up on his cheek in a vibrant shade of crimson. He didn’t have time to register what had just happened before she had disappeared, floating down the hallway like a forest fire. He stared dumbly after her, his brain on slow motion, and glanced over to see a familiar smirk.

“Oops,” Bazine said innocently, and it was like the trigger of a gun to him. He raced after Rey, terror consuming him as he knew that her wrath could only be caused by one thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter. Sorry it's a day late. 1) I didn't want to post this particular one on Valentine's Day and 2) I managed to slightly break my arm yesterday.
> 
> I'm going to try to move through the next couple chapters as quickly as possible so you guys aren't left in suspense.


	17. Straight Up

_NYC, Late December 1987_

If someone had asked Rey if she had a temper that morning, she likely would have told them no. She also would have found it completely unthinkable that Ben, _her_ Ben could do anything that would send her into one of the most violent and blind rages she had ever felt. He was her support, her rock, a constant in her life in ways that no one had ever been for her. He was the Ben who always put her first, the Ben who never said no when she suggested something new for them to try, and the Ben who was kind and patient. No, he could never do anything that she couldn’t forgive.

She had been completely certain in her knowledge of him until she had been accosted in the floral smelling bathroom. She had just finished reapplying her lipstick, making sure that none was inadvertently on her teeth, when a tall woman who was perhaps a little worse for drink had burst inside. She stumbled into Rey who helped to hold her up until she was steady on her feet again.

“Thanks, doll,” the slender woman had said, patting Rey’s cheek. “It’s wild out there, am I right?”

  
“It’s definitely quite lively,” Rey responded, not used to the newcomer’s familiarity with her. She wasn’t sure exactly who she was but made an effort to be polite in case it was someone Ben worked with regularly.

The woman took a small vial from around her neck, opening it and tapping a small amount of white powder into her nail. She quickly put it to her nose and inhaled strongly. The woman sniffed, cleaned off her nose and slapped her cheeks slightly to give her an air of alertness. Rey had adverted her eyes quickly when she realized what was going on; part of the reason she tended to avoid bars or clubs was so she wouldn’t have to be around drug use as it brought back too many bad memories for her. The woman caught Rey’s discomfort, looking her up and down before smirking.

“You’re not going to tell on me are you, doll?” The woman’s implications made Rey go scarlet, ashamed to be thought indiscreet.

“N-no,” Rey said, stumbling over the word.

“Good, good,” the woman nodded, calming “So what are you doing around this crowd? You don’t exactly have ‘high finance’ written all over you.”

“Oh! I’m here – I’m here with my boyfriend. He works for Empire,” she replied, her nerves making her speech faster than usual.

“Oh really? Anyone I know? I bet I could give you some dirt on them, help you really keep their balls in a vice. A girl like you probably needs a little assistance there. You can never trust these money guys,” the woman said straightening her hair in the mirror, and Rey found herself wanting to leave the conversation but glued to the spot out of politeness. “They love you and leave you for the next bimbo with bigger fake tits and less brains.”

“Oh, Ben wouldn’t do that,” Rey interjected, feeling like she had to defend him on principle, “He, erm….Well my friends said that he was probably going to…well…to propose tonight. That’s why they helped me dress like this.” She gestured to the flowing dress that Zorii had pulled from her closet that morning. It still had had the price tag on it and Rey had gawked at the numbers, protesting that she could never afford to pay Zorii back if the dress were ruined. Zorii in true fashion had rolled her eyes and let Rey know that it was fine because it “totally wasn’t her style anyway” and after all, it had been purchased on her father’s credit card. Rey hadn’t felt like that was completely relevant but eventually had submitted to her friends’ demands to play dress up again.

“Wow, isn’t that spe- Wait, Ben? You don’t mean, Ben _Solo_ do you?” the woman said suddenly, and Rey started at the recognition.

“You know him?” Rey asked warily, and there was something uncomfortable in her chest. A spark of jealousy was there as she had never heard Ben tell her about this woman. In fact, he rarely told her anything about his work and it had been a surprise when he had extended the invitation to the gala at all.

“Oh, doll,” the lithe woman replied, turning to her as her voice colored with compassion and pity. She stroked Rey’s face maternally. The woman bit her lip and looked at the floor. When she looked up at Rey again, there was resolve in her eyes. She sighed before starting, “I don’t know if I should really be the one to tell you all this, but… he’s bad news.”

“You must be mistaken,” Rey said, her tone now defensive, “Ben is sweet and kind and –“

“Wow, he’s really got you fooled, hasn’t he?” The woman’s voice had turned sharp, no longer the simpering notes of a “friend”. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but that boy is a total coke hound. Why it hasn’t even been two weeks since he came to me, practically begging me to help him score some blow.”

“N-no, Ben wouldn’t,” Rey said, denying the words as they came out.

“And if that wasn’t bad enough, he totally tried to proposition me,” the woman continued, “I mean, I know he’s an old flame, but I told him no. I have Howard, now.”

“I don’t…I don’t believe you,” Rey said, her eyes starting to prick with tears. The smile on the woman’s face was barely concealed as she clucked her tongue, taking off the bracelet she wore and handing it to Rey to read the inscription. _To Bazine, with love. B.S._

“What a shame too; you seem like such a _nice_ girl. I guess you just weren’t nice enough to keep this crowd entertained,” Bazine gestured to the door of the bathroom and the throng that lay beyond it, still engaged in raucous merriment. “It’s lucky you found me. Any other girl might have taken him home when he stuck his tongue down their throat, but I don’t care how much money he was flashing at that party.”

Now suddenly Rey felt like she had been blind; all the signs had been there for her to see. Ben had been growing steadily leaner, and she had attributed it to the work he was doing. He avoided talking about his work, or anything about himself really. And after the work celebration to finish the merger he had been oddly distant from her, there in body but his mind occupied elsewhere. The woman’s words rang true to Rey’s ears and she walked out of the bathroom in a daze, still trying to comprehend all of the information she had just taken in.

Then her eyes had landed on him, looking around the room, and the daze disappeared. Now there was a molten mass in her chest, and she began to tremble with the violence of her anger. He locked eyes with her finally, and the look of dread and shame on his face all but confirmed the tale.

He had rushed to her side in an attempt to pacify the roiling tempest of her anger. She had rejected every attempt on his part to touch her. It was as if she was looking at a completely different person. When it seemed that he would forcibly remove her from the view of his coworkers, her anger had boiled over completely and she had reared back, her palm stinging from the impact with the side of his face. She turned on her heel to leave as fast as she could, hot tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. She emerged out the front door and her eyes searched for somewhere, anywhere that she could hide. She saw an entrance to Central Park directly across the street, and ran, a yellow cab barely missing her and honking its reproach as she flew.

She slumped into the first bench she could find, her emotions in a tumult as they swung violently between embarrassment, rage and sadness. She put her head in her hands, trying to figure out what she should do next when she heard his voice. Normally his calls for her would have been enough to salvage a night like this, but when he was the cause of her anguish it only served to twist the blade. He sounded scared though and continued to call out her name. She debated whether she should stay hidden, but there was a darker part of her that welcomed the confrontation. It was this part that won out as she called hoarsely out “I’m here.”

He followed her voice and rounded the path to find her there. He seemed like he wanted to hold her, touch her again, and he started forward only to stop, thinking better of it. The evidence of her hostility was fresh on his face in the moonlight the streamed down through the naked trees.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” she asked, her voice deathly quiet.

“I- I -What did she tell you?” Ben spluttered, tripping over every word.

“You absolutely humiliated me in there. Why would you bring me here?” Rey continued, her voice breaking even in her blind rage.

“Rey, I-“

“NO! What could you possibly say that could make things right?” she said, shouting now. “You’ve been lying to me this entire time! And I have to find out from _her_ that not only are you a drug addict, but you’ve also been cheating on me.”

“Rey, I didn’t – I couldn’t – I-I…” He was at a loss for words.

“Do you deny it?!” the bubble of hot metal in her heart seemed liable to burst in another violent display.

“No, but –“ he tried to start again and she felt herself shaking again at the verbal confirmation.

  
“But, what?!”

“I couldn’t tell you, not after –“ he was flailing, his words missing their mark. “There was never a good time.”

“Couldn’t tell me?” she roared, “And you thought that having me find out this way was _better_?!”

  
“No, that’s not what I meant. I meant that after Montauk, and you shared so much, and I couldn’t-“

“Couldn’t be honest with me?! Do you know how hard it was for me to tell you that?” She narrowed her eyes at him, and he tried to backtrack.

“I know, but we’d only known each other a week, and –“

“I don’t give a _fuck_ about Montauk!” she screamed, “What about after? What about at your parents’? What about after we got back? What about at any point in the last six months?! When were you planning on telling me you tried to fuck her? That you were back on drugs I didn’t even know you were addicted to?!”

His face changed from remorseful to an anger that matched her own fire at her words. “I never tried to fuck her! She- she..”

“She what?! Held a gun to your head and forced you to kiss her? Told you she’d kill your family if you told me?” Rey raged, shoving him backwards as he tried to get closer to her.

“She’s a liar and a bitch,” he spat, “I didn’t have a choice. She practically assaulted me in that bar.”

“Oh, you didn’t have a choice? So, you not telling me was all part of her sinister plot?”

“I didn’t mean it like – I – You – You weren’t there,” he said, and immediately his eyes turned down, shame filling them as he wished he could take the words back.

“So, you’re trying to say that it’s my fault?!” Rey couldn’t even believe what had come from him. “If you hadn’t noticed, Ben Solo, I was trying to fucking study for exams! _Soooo_ sorry that I couldn’t be there to keep you from thinking with your cock.”

“No, that’s not what I- I just…I put a stop to it and I…I haven’t done anything with the cocaine,” he looked like a caged animal as he tried to find words that might calm her.

“And you think I should be impressed that you haven’t fallen off the wagon? How long were you going to wait to tell me about your past?”

“I – I, “ he averted his stare and fumbled with something in his pocket, as if something had suddenly struck him. He pulled out a small velvet box, and a sick feeling passed through Rey. Her friends had been right, but now, she couldn’t even bear to look at Ben.

“What the fuck is that?” Rey asked, barely a whisper in the dark.

“It’s – I wanted to –“ he spluttered.

“Ben….how could you think that this is in any way an appropriate time?” Rey’s anger was still all consuming, but now it had taken on a calm and she felt as if someone else was speaking her next words. “I don’t….I don’t think I want to be together anymore.”

A look of panic crossed his face as he heard her, “Rey, you don’t – You can’t mean that.”

“I can’t trust you anymore, Ben. You’re not…you’re not who I thought you were, and…maybe….maybe this was never supposed to be more than a summer romance.”

“Rey,” he said, his normally deep voice cracking with the hurt she had inflicted. She had meant for the words to sting, but now regretted that they had been spoken. “I love you.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said, tears finally spilling completely over. “I don’t know if you’re even capable of love.” She felt something rip apart inside of her as she spoke to him, and it felt like a sucking chasm had opened in all of the parts of her heart that he had filled. The look of disbelief and anger on his face was enough to make her want to hide for an eternity.

“Rey, please –“ and the chocolate gaze that normally would have melted her only served to harden her against him. He took her elbow and she wrenched it away but didn’t get the opportunity to continue as a bright light shone on them, blinding her.

“Are you alright, miss?” a burly police officer asked, emerging from the darkness.

“Yes,” she said, sniffling

“We’re fine,” Ben interjected, and the new man turned on him with a look of suspicion.

“I was talking to the lady, sir. I’m going to have to ask you both to leave the park. This is no place for a domestic dispute. Are you sure that you’re ok?” He turned to Rey again, and she wiped at the mascara that trailed down her cheeks roughly.

“Yes, thank you. I’ll – I’ll be going now,” she responded, and snatched her coat and purse from Ben’s arms, just realizing how cold she was now. She walked quickly away from the scene and Ben, his words now chosen with care given the scrutiny of the officer, tried to follow her.

“Rey, at least let me…let me take you home,” he implored her but she kept walking, raising her hand on the sidewalk until a boxy yellow sedan pulled over.

“Goodbye, Ben,” she said and slammed the door in his face. It was only after she told the cab driver where to take her that she let the grief steal over her entirely. She felt like she was drowning in it and the sobs that wracked her body once started did not find their end that night. Her friends pulled her inside with worry when she got home, and she broke down in their arms and told them everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart hurt to write this, but give me a couple more chapters and we'll be back in fluff land.


	18. Separate Ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read this with discretion as it does contain themes of substance abuse.

_Long Island, Early January 1988_

He had tried to call her several times in the days after the party. His phone calls all went to the answering machine. He had begged, pleaded with the machine. He had raged afterwards, pulling his hair out at the silence. He would tell her he had been stupid, had been foolish. He would tell her anything that she wanted to hear if it made her forgive him. He left messages about how much he loved her, had sent roses to her apartment but had been told by the company they had been refused.

Finally, on Christmas day after he was resigned to making another desperate appeal to the recording device on the other end, she picked up.

“Ben,” she said quietly, “I need you to stop calling here.”

“Rey, just let me explain,” he had said, his heart aching at finally hearing her voice again. “Just give me a chance to talk.”

There was silence on the other end, and he thought maybe she had hung up when she responded, “If I come over and we talk, will you stop?”

He had hesitated, but she pressed him again and he reluctantly agreed.

He did his best to clean up his apartment while he waited. He did anything to keep himself distracted. These last few days had been the hardest for him. He constantly found him thoughts drifting. He had shoved the tiny vial into the drawer of his nightstand, much like he had done with Rey’s number all those months ago, and just like then his obsessive thoughts couldn’t stray from it for very long.

He had been honest with her when he said that he hadn’t done anything with it. He also hadn’t gotten rid of it, either. He was in control. Complete control. Then why did his heart keep skipping every time he thought about the white….no. Control. Totally under control.

It was during one of these reveries that he heard the soft knock on his door, and immediately recognized Rey’s hand. He took a deep breath before swinging it open and there she stood, as beautiful as he remembered. She had a large tote bag on her shoulder, and he was puzzled at first.

“I came to- to pick up my things,” she said, and he could see the strain it took her to get the words out. He noticed now how red her eyes were, and felt shame that he was the cause. “Finn brought me over in his car…he’s waiting for me…downstairs.”

“Rey,” he said tenderly, trying to touch her face, but she turned away from him.

“No, Ben. I said I would come over to talk. Nothing more,” she replied, and her voice hitched slightly. “So, talk.” She gestured vaguely at the space between them and then went back to silence.

He didn’t know how he could explain how sorry he felt that she was in pain without touching her, but he endeavored to put his jumbled thoughts into words.

“Rey....I love you. I love you so much it hurts,” he started, and she looked at a spot on his floor, never making eye contact lest her resolve fade. “You’re…you’re the only good thing I have in my life. You’re the only reason I was able to stay away from, y’know…” he trailed off and she remained silent.

After a time, he tried to continue, “I need you in my life, Rey. You keep me sane. You make my life worth living.”

Finally, she interjected, “Stop, Ben. Just stop. I can’t – I can’t be responsible for fixing you. I can’t handle that pressure. Because…what if we fight and we end up back here. You’ll blame _me_.” She held herself with arms crossed to him, rubbing her arms. She was always cold it seemed, and he wanted nothing more in this moment than to warm her.

“Never,” he tried to say, but she held up her hand to stop him.

“Let me finish,” she said, “I can’t do that. If I can’t have you without you having one foot out the door, then I can’t have you at all. I need someone who is constant, stable, and I thought….I thought that was you, but I was wrong.”

“Rey, I –“

“No, I can’t listen to more about how you need me. I want you to get better, I really do, but I can’t be there to watch you destroy yourself. _I_ need you to leave me alone…so I can heal. Please respect that,” she said, and the tears stung again at the corners of her eyes. “Now, my things.”

He was numb as he walked from room to room, picking up small mementos of her. A shirt that she had left here, her toothbrush in the bathroom, a creased paperback book by some no name author that she read in bed while she waited for him to wake up. There wasn’t much, but they were all tiny reminders that she had been here, that she had walked these floors with him. Now it felt like there was a deep absence everywhere that he cleaned up her possessions.

He handed the paltry trove of items to her, and she gingerly tucked each inside of her tote bag. As she finished, she pulled something out. It was a small box, wrapped with care in red and green printed paper. God, it even had a little bow on the top. He didn’t comprehend what it was doing in his spartan apartment until she pressed it nervously into his hands.

“I – I got this for you. I was going to give it to you anyway, and – well, I don’t have much use for it, so, here. Happy Christmas,” she ended the sentence lamely and he looked at it and looked at her bleakly.

“Rey, are you sure?” he asked, feeling the finality of the gift, more than if she had signed her name on the last line of a set of divorce papers.

“Ben, just take it. Please,” she pleaded, and he relented. Even now, he wouldn’t deny her anything that she asked of him. She looked at him just then and walked toward him as if suddenly deciding something. Gingerly, she placed her hands on either side of his face and drew him to her. Her kiss was unbelievably gentle and tinged with a deep sadness. He could taste the salt on her lips as they parted. “Goodbye, Ben,” she whispered for the second time to him and he could do nothing except watch her walk out of his door for the last time. He found himself slumped on the ground, unable to even process what had just happened. He felt the loss of her as acutely as if someone had sawed off one of his arms with a rusty blade. It was jagged and raw where she had been in his heart.

He didn’t know in the course of the next few days exactly when he had decided to start using again. Maybe it was during the kiss, maybe it was as he watched her leave, maybe it wasn’t even a decision at all. But use he had. The first hit from the vial that Bazine had bestowed upon him hit his bloodstream with a wave of euphoria that nearly brought him to his knees. He knew in his mind that this was wrong but couldn’t bring himself to care. The drug at least made him feel _something_ other than grief and self-loathing. At least for a time.

He had reached out to his old contacts and they had been more than happy to provide him with everything he needed. At this point, he couldn’t see the point of trying to stay clean because clean was a deep pit of despair that if he looked into too hard, he would fall and keep falling as long as he lived. Where Rey had filled the parts of him that cocaine had patched, now cocaine was back to fill the places that Rey had left.

During the strange interval between Christmas and the New Year he had gone back to work. He had dressed himself mechanically, not really sure why he had even bothered to get out of bed. When he arrived, there were very few people there, most of them opting to use their vacation time rather than working for a few days just to leave again. He sat in his cluttered office and just stared at the hands on his clock as they ticked past, eleven, noon, four o clock. He had shuffled papers throughout the day to try to distract himself, but none of the numbers made sense to him and he couldn’t focus on the black and green of the Lotus spreadsheet software on the IBM computer.

He wandered to the bathroom, thinking that he would take another hit before leaving to go home when he heard Mikata, laughing with his friends. He had no real respect for the mousy looking trader; they had started with the company at the same time, and if Ben hadn’t gone to rehab the first time around, he would likely already be on the trading floor with his broker’s license like him. As it was, they were now in different areas of the company, so he usually didn’t have to endure Mikata’s nasally laugh. But now he heard it, and it related to him and to…Rey.

Mikata had clearly seen Ben enter the bathroom, and his proximity brought back images of the scene from the gala. Mikata made jokes much to the general uproar of his companions. “Solo sure can’t keep them, can he? He’s “O” for two by my count. But maybe his little lady wouldn’t mind a piece of this?”

Ben could only imagine the crude gestures he was making, and without thought he had turned the corner and planted his fist directly into the man’s face. His blow made contact with a sickening crunch, and then Mikata’s friends were on top of him. He ended up escorted from the premises with a bloody lip, a black eye and the contents of his office, along with two of Mikata’s associates who Ben thought at least looked worse than him. He typed up his formal resignation that night and put it in the outgoing mailbox.

Now that he had nowhere to go, he spent most of his time in his bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the day to end. This was only punctuated by the occasional sweet release of a cocaine high. During those times he thought about calling Rey again, but didn’t, too scared of what she might say.

On New Year’s Eve, he turned on his TV to the scene in Times Square and he could hear an unruly procession from out the window as throngs of people celebrated the end of 1987. His plans were less forward thinking. He had a pile in front of him and one by one made the lines of white powder disappear. Each brought a renewed sense of pleasure as he climbed higher and higher. It was as he took one last hit that he knew he had made a mistake. His heart was hammering in his chest, he was sweating profusely, and he felt like he couldn’t move his limbs. He couldn’t speak in his agitation and his mind was overcome with fear and regret. He just lay there with blurred vision, listening to Dick fucking Clark talk on the TV about a large Superbowl sign for the Jets in the crowd, completely oblivious to the fact that Ben was fairly certain he was dying. He could barely comprehend what was happening as he hadn’t been conscious the last time, but there was a conviction inside him that told him he was having an overdose. Oh god, what if they found him dead here? What if no one found him until the landlord eventually broke in to evict him for nonpayment? Maybe it would be one those sad New York City deaths advertised in the paper about how no one found them until after feral stray cats had come in through the window to eat the corpse. How would his parents explain it? Would Rey know or would she even care? Anxiety overcame him as he tried to will his limbs to work again as the countdown started on the TV.

He lay there overdosing for what felt like hours, but by the clock on the wall was only forty-five minutes. He was shaking from head to toe and clutched himself tightly on the floor as an uneasy sleep took him. He awoke in 1988 with his head pounding and his body aching. He threw up the contents of his stomach and crawled back out to the living room. His box of effects from his office lay forgotten near the door and he sat beside it now, looking at each item in turn: his college diploma from Wesleyan, a plaque celebrating five years at Empire Finance, a few scattered photographs of his parents, and other various awards he had accrued during his tenure. He didn’t know what exactly came upon his as he lobbed the first item across the room. The frame it sat in was shattered with a cathartic crash. Then he threw the next item, and the next until the entirety of his work possessions were destroyed beyond repair. He screamed with rage and desolation and continued to destroy anything breakable he could get his hands on in a shower of glass shards until finally he picked up the green and red package that still lay unopened on his kitchen and stopped in his tracks. He couldn’t bring himself to destroy it.

Turning the small box in his hands he inspected the wrappings, full of little painted vignettes of Santa Clause in his workshop. Rey had carefully written his name on the tag in her dainty hand. He traced the lovingly scrawled letters with his finger. Curiosity now stole over him and he delicately picked at the paper, afraid to tear it, until the gift inside was revealed.

He pulled out the Polaroid camera and he could feel his heart breaking all over again. She had included a few boxes of film along with the camera, and he could feel everything inside of him shattering. He knew what he had to do as he hastily dressed, packed the Polaroid and a few changes of clothes into a backpack and grabbed the keys to the falcon. The motorcycle roared to life in the dim parking structure and he took off, not caring how the keen wind bit through him in the winter air.

He finally arrived, parked his bike on the street and walked up the way to the brown door of his parents’ split-level suburban house. He rung the door once, then again, impatient for someone to answer. He heard stirring and the door flung open to his mother who went from sporting a look of irritation at the interruption of her New Year’s morning to a look of concern and intense worry.

“Ben, what are you –“ Leia started but he fell to his knees before her, the sobs finally escaping him. He cried more there than he could ever remember having done, and his entire body shook with the force of his despair. He clung to her house coat, and as if he was a small child again, she dropped down beside him, bringing him into her arms while making soothing shushing sounds as she stroked his back and his hair.

When he was finally calm enough for her to coax an explanation out of him, he started, “I’ve screwed everything up. I just, it’s all done, everything.”

“Not everything,” she whispered, rocking him back and forth in her arms in a way that silenced his cries as only a mother knows how to do. “I still love you very much, and so does your father.”

“W-where is he?” Ben suddenly asked, looking around like a frightened child. He didn’t think he could handle the reproach of Han in his current state.

“He’s still out with Chewie,” she said softly, “He won’t be back until late this evening.” Ben breathed a sigh of relief and fell back into his mother’s arms. He was so so tired. Somehow, she managed to bring him to his feet, a monumental task given how he towered over her short frame, and lead him to the kitchen table. He sat there with his face in his hands and his leg bounced with agitation.

“Ben,” Leia said after a time, and put a hand on his shoulder, “I need you to tell me what’s happened. I can only help you so much without the details.” He looked up at her with bloodshot eyes and nodded meekly. He took steady sips of the glass of water she had placed before him and launched into his tale.

He told her how Bazine had tempted him and how he had concealed it and his past drug abuse from Rey. He told her how Rey had found out in the worst possible way and how she had left him. In Rey’s wake, he had found himself spiraling deeper and deeper back into his addiction. And now he was without a job, without friends, and without purpose to move forward.

Leia listened patiently and held him again as a fresh wave of misery rolled over him, threatening to engulf him. Somehow, though, he managed to hold his head above water through this one. The truth as it was being on display to someone eased something in his heart. He wondered to himself if he _had_ told Rey earlier if she might have been able to be here for him like his mother. Would she have accepted him so wholly and comforted those dark parts of him? He didn’t suppose he would get the opportunity to find out.

“I don’t know what to do,” he said morosely, “My life is over now.”

“Benjamin Henry Solo,” his mother said abruptly and with a fierceness to her tone that brooked no argument. “Your life is decidedly _not_ over. Now, I may not be able to help you much here, and maybe this isn’t the right place for you to be anymore, but I think I know someone who can help.”

“Who?” he questioned, not sure if his mother was delusional after he had laid out the entirety of his situation to her.

“Your uncle. You’re going to go to California, and you’re going to get better and put all of this behind you once and for all,” Leia replied with finality, pulling out her address book. She gave Ben all the details he needed, and he agreed with her that he should leave New York if for no other reason than it at least felt like he was doing _something_. With nothing here for him anymore, he saw no reason to delay his journey. The only thing that kept him in the house with his mother now was the need to write one final note in his messy hand. He addressed it to Rey, wrote her address on the envelope and placed the stamp in the corner after Leia promised she would put it in the mail.

She kissed his cheek and held him for one last hug before ushering him out the door again. His motorcycle roared to life and he flew down the 495 headed towards what he hoped this time was his salvation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I think we're over the most heart hurty parts, and we're back on the upswing now. The next few chapters probably won't have Rey and Ben together yet though, but are important in their development.


	19. It Must Have Been Love

_NYC, Early January 1988_

“Oh my god, that is absolutely enough!” Zorii screamed with exasperation, as she turned off the stereo in Rey’s room effectively cutting off Willie Nelson’s soulful rendition part way through the line, _“You were always on my mi-“_

Rey sat up from where she had been laying catatonic on the bed, her eyes dry but still puffy. She cried less and less each day, but still found it difficult to get out of bed. The time she had wanted to devote to her thesis had slipped away in the emotional turmoil in which she found herself. Now it was hard enough just to remember to get out of bed and eat something most days, and that was usually with Rose’s urging. It had seemed to get better until she had received a letter from Ben, hidden in the usual pile of bills. It had been addressed from his parents’ house. She had been unable to contain her curiosity and had ripped it open and thus opened the wounds inside of her anew.

_“Dear Rey,_

_Maybe I shouldn’t call you dear. It doesn’t really matter at this point. I wanted to let you know that I’m going to live with my uncle in California. I won’t keep bothering you and I know that you don’t want to see me again, but I couldn’t leave without at least letting you know. Maybe someday, we can look back on our time together and be okay with it. For my part, you were the most beautiful person I ever met, and I wish you well in anything that you do. You will always have my undying love and support, even if you no longer wish for it._

_Yours always,_

_Ben S.”_

The letter had led to a fresh bout of sobs, nearly as bad as the ones she had had when she had left Ben’s apartment for the final time. She had made it to Finn’s car and had completely broken down. She had wanted so badly to comfort Ben, but she was afraid of what a future looked like with someone who had lied so deeply to her. So, she had ran, just like she had run from London. Now that Ben was _gone_ though…It was like a final nail in a coffin she had created. He hadn’t even left her a forwarding address in California.

These days she mostly spent her time watching daytime television or listening to sad country music. There was something about the way the Americans played the guitar that soothed her in ways that her normal brand of music just didn’t. Finn had given the mix tape to her discreetly; he had made it at work when he wasn’t “spinning records” for “The New 97.1 WYNY”. They had made a switch during the summer to country music instead of the contemporary hits that he had originally signed on for, and so he took time to make her “Breakup Mix 1” and she was now on “Breakup Mix 3” which included the talents of Willie Nelson along with a few older hits from the previous decade by John Conlee and Waylon Jennings. Finn had told her that it always seemed to help Poe when he and Zorii were fighting.

“Where did you even get this trash?” Zorii said, pulling the cassette tape out and looking at the handwriting. She rolled her eyes and huffed loudly. “I should have known. Rose!”

Rose wandered in, a little too quickly for Rey to not believe she hadn’t been waiting her turn to come in.

“Is this an intervention?” Rey said tersely, looking at her friends. She realized what she’d said too late and her friends almost seemed to feel bad. Zorii turned her attention to Rose and shook the cassette in her face.

“Your boyfriend is feeding Rey all this sad crap. Now she’s in a perpetual state of bogusness,” Zorii gestured to Rey’s basic state of dress, which to be fair did look pretty awful. She hadn’t bothered to comb her hair in days, and she had reverted back to full time usage of her glasses. Pile that onto not bothering to change out of her pajamas and she was definitely, as Zorii would say, a bit “grody”.

“Hey,” Rey tried to defend herself, but couldn’t really come up with the words.

“Rey, sweetie, you do look….bad…and not in the good way,” Rose said, trying to be polite, and putting her arms around her shoulders. Rey slumped into her, not wanting to do anything else but lay there and be comforted.

“And I swear to God, if I have to watch one more rerun of the Oprah Winfrey show, I’ll kill myself. Like seriously, gag me with a spoon,” Zorii said in disgust.

“Hey! That woman is a saint! She really helped me learn how to deal with _rude and obnoxious people,”_ Rey said pointedly and Zorii rolled her eyes, not bothering to dignify the insult with a response.

Instead Zorii continued with, “We get it, your boyfriend was a dickhead, but barricading yourself in here isn’t the best way to deal with it.”

“Besides, Rey, the new semester starts soon, and we couldn’t bear to have you leave if you lose your student visa,” Rose said, fresh concern on her face as she thought of Rey having to completely leave the country if her grades turned on her.

“You guys are right,” Rey said with a heavy sigh. She couldn’t fathom going back to England; there was nothing left for her there. She had to continue with her studies and hope that whatever future she had envisioned for herself before Ben had come into her life would be enough now.

_NYC, Mid-June, 1988_

She screamed and hugged Rose along with Zorii after their friend had shown them a dazzling engagement ring. Rose had gone out with Finn that evening for their anniversary dinner and had come back with the rock. She hadn’t even known that Finn was thinking about marriage, and of course she said yes. Rose was already starting to work out the particulars; they couldn’t get married this year because all of the really good spots would be taken already, so they were going to get married the following summer. Rose’s parents hadn’t exactly been thrilled by the news, but they took it in stride if the rapid Vietnamese conversations were any indication.

It was the summer again, and Rose was eager to include Rey in all of the planning now that her first year of graduate school had officially wrapped up. Rey had thrown herself into her studies during the winter, if only just to distract herself, and had received top marks in nearly all of her classes. She was fairly certain that her one professor, Enric Pryde, had given her an A- on principle alone. Maz had commiserated with her, saying that Pryde was a sexist blowhard who didn’t know his motherboard from his microprocessors. She had found a friend in Maz, or as close to friends as they could be given their places as professor and student. In the days after her breakup she had eagerly prodded Maz for more stories about California, trying to envision what kind of life that Ben was living out there. She had a hard time imagining Ben, so serious as he often was, surrounded by palm trees. Maz had indulged her, repeating her tales of feminist marches and protest. Maz patted her tamed hair, in a style reminiscent of Mrs. Clair Huxtable, and lamented how she had sported her hair in a large afro back in those days. It had been as large as her personality and Rey smiled at the mental imagery.

Her smiles came to her with effortlessness these days. It hadn’t been as easy in the beginning. Then she had struggled to maintain her composure, grateful if she made it through the day and often breaking into silent tears at nighttime. Now, her pretending to be fine actually gave way to a legitimate sense of peace. The whole that Ben had left in her was still raw if she thought about it too much, but six months had given her fresh perspective on her life and her way forward.

Her days during the summer were still spent in the Silk Star, and Zorii’s sister had even promoted her to assistant manager after Zorii and Rose had found jobs in their fields. Zorii was a communications representative at a PR firm in Manhattan and Rose had worked her way up from the secretarial pool to be an office manager. Because of Rey’s new role at her job, she was required to maintain an air of “style and poise” that had not previously been expected of her. Luckily, Zorii’s sister had promised that the increased responsibility did come with perks and her employee discount was increased along with a raise in her pay. Due to this, her wardrobe was now beyond either of her roommates’ reproach, and she could even style her hair without their assistance.

This had not gone unnoticed, and she had even begun to date again, albeit with a new level of caution. She didn’t tell anyone about her past, and normally they didn’t ask. She had gone on a few bad dates in the beginning, mostly coworkers of Finn or Poe who her roommates insisted that she meet. Zorii insisted that she needed a rebound, and Poe seconded it with less…. eloquent prose. Finn and Rose, both of the same mind on nearly every topic, were gentler in their urging. They thought that at the very least she might have a nice time and get out of the apartment for the night. Her dates went better as more time passed, but she rarely let someone reach a second date.

Her most recent dating partner was one Temmin “Snap” Wexley, a second-year student from her program. He had recently graduated and had found work in Brooklyn. Snap was nice enough, she admitted, and they had kissed, but she didn’t feel any passion when she was with him. He was pleasant, stable, and all the things she had professed to want, but she couldn’t see a future with him. She was fairly certain that he felt the same but they both enjoyed having someone to go out with on Friday nights. She supposed now that she had some distance that she really had loved Ben, and he had loved her in return in what way that he could. Her anger had faded with time, but she still tried to avoid thinking about him too often.

Besides, she didn’t have much time to herself with helping Rose to plan the wedding. Rose had asked her to be her “maid of honor”, she had accepted, and quickly learned that she was to be consulted on every bit of minutiae regarding the preparation, from the florals to the venues. Rey supposed that a year wasn’t such a long time but occasionally thought with a pang that _she_ might have been planning a wedding of her own at this time. She put the thought to the back of her head most days and cheerfully helped with the preparation for the long-awaited event.

She had placed all reminders of Ben into a shoebox on the top shelf of her small closet. It contained things like the ticket stubs from their trip to Coney Island and the Bon Jovi concert, small trinkets that he had gifted to her, his letter to her, and the pictures that they had taken at the photo booth. It was the only set of photos that she had of him, the only real proof that he had loved her as much as she had loved him, but it still hurt too much to look at them.

That summer seemed to stretch before her, and despite working hard between the Silk Star, her thesis, and maintaining her social calendar with her friends, it seemed much emptier than the previous year.

_NYC, Early February, 1989_

“Rey, I really think you’ve put together a masterpiece,” Maz said brightly, reviewing the nearly finished thesis. “I think you will impress the entire review board.”

“Are you sure, Maz?” Rey said, biting her lip, “Professor Pryde is on the board, and you know he loves any chance he can get to mark me down. What if he fails me?” Rey thought bitterly of the old man’s seeming vendetta against any of the “fairer sex” in his classes.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about, but if you want a second opinion, I have friend who is coming to be a guest lecturer for the next month. He’s a physicist, but your paper is much more _abstract,_ scientifically speaking, than the normal computer science thesis. I think you could benefit from his guidance to give your paper a final polish before presenting it to the board next month,” Maz replied, and jotted down the details for Rey. It looked like there would be a small meet and greet at the end of that week and the visiting professor would be taking papers to review at that time.

Rey found herself growing excited at the prospect of her impending graduation. She had worked quite hard on her paper and had even started to look at her options for jobs. She had been surprised the first time a head hunter had approached her at one of the networking events that Brooklyn Polytechnic had hosted. She had taken the card, looking at the little rainbow fruit insignia and recognized the brand immediately. She had thanked the man profusely for his time but insisted that she was only looking in New York. California was much too far for her to travel, among other…reasons. He had seemed disappointed but let her know that the company was always looking for fresh new minds and she would be welcomed for an interview if she chose to apply.

The last details of Rose’s wedding were also falling into place, and Rey had picked up the pretty pink dresses made of shiny taffeta that she and Zorii would both be wearing earlier that week. She didn’t have a “plus one” for the wedding, but she found that nowadays she didn’t really mind. She and Snap had parted ways amicably enough and he had moved on to date someone else. She reflected that she had finally reached an equilibrium in her life again. She didn’t really think about Ben anymore, and when she did it was with a certain amount of tenderness. He had been a big love in her life and had taught her for the first time what it was to love. She believed that at this point she was well and truly over him. She had her career and the rest of her social world to focus on now and she thought bittersweetly how it was ok if love was no longer in the cards for her. She was absolutely fine with being alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do a nice set of time skip events to bring us up to the next arc of the story. The next chapter will be similar but from Ben's perspective.


	20. Hard Habit to Break

_San Francisco, CA, February 1988_

“Hi, my name is Ben. I’m almost twenty-nine years old and…I’m addicted to cocaine,” Ben’s heart hammered as he uttered the words. He hadn’t really opened up the first few sessions, but after encouragement from the group and from his uncle, he finally felt ready to start.

The journey to San Francisco hadn’t been an easy one. He had still been reeling from the effects of the mild overdose, and he hadn’t sought treatment, too afraid that he would end up locked in a rehabilitation facility again. Instead, he had followed his mother’s advice and had left New York as fast as the Falcon could take him, which he knew from experience was a considerable pace. He had traveled south to avoid the snow and ice that a shorter journey would have promised. The first day he made it as far as Tennessee, and while the weather wasn’t exactly tropical, at least it was above 50 degrees F. The lack of ice on the roads made travel smoother, but it had taken him nearly twelve hours to arrive and he had to beg for a room at the seediest motel in town. He didn’t care, though, and had collapsed on the creaky bed with delight.

  
He had never traveled so long on the Falcon before, and his body ached from the long ride. This combined with the hard withdrawal that cold turkey left him in, meant he slept uneasily that night and woke still more tired than the day before.

He had some money left over in his bank account even after spending the majority of his bonus on the engagement ring, which after a failed attempt at returning it to the jewelry store, he had thrown in a fit of rage into the Hudson, and a sizeable amount of drugs. That being said, his supply of cash wasn’t a renewable resource anymore and he would have to be careful as he traveled across the country to spend it wisely. He couldn’t think of anything more humiliating in that moment than having to phone his mother and tell her that he wouldn’t be able to make it to San Francisco without help because he’d spent all his money on cocaine.

As he mounted the bike to leave Knoxville, he saw a shimmering light that glinted in his eyes in the distance. Curious, he drove to look at it and saw a gigantic orb covered in golden plates that shimmered like a disco ball in the heart of the city. Impulsively, he took the polaroid camera out of the side pouch of the Falcon and trained his gaze on it, snapping a picture. With a whirring noise, the little camera spat out a square photograph and he shook it reflexively as it developed. He scrutinized the image and it met his satisfaction well enough that he put it in the inside pocket of his leather jacket.

In the seven days that he traveled from one city to the next, leaving Knoxville for Memphis, Oklahoma City, Amarillo, Albuquerque, Flagstaff, Bakersfield and a number of other no name towns in between, he took more photos. He saw the Ozarks, the Grand Canyon, the wide expanses of desert in Death Valley and more. He wondered as he took them if _she_ would have liked the photos, he took but tried to bury that thought before it could consume him.

Finally, he stepped off the bike, stretched, and walked up the steep set of stairs leading to the door of the teal townhouse. His uncle’s house was typical for San Francisco he had learned: squat with a Tuscan roof, built in garage, and one of any number of colors in the rainbow. He felt nervous about leaving his bike on the sharp incline but tried to ignore it as he reacquainted himself with his relative. He hesitated at first and then with purpose rapped firmly on the front door.

“Come in,” a gruff voice called from deep inside and Ben turned the handle to find that it was not locked. He ran his hand through his hair and stepped inside. His Uncle Luke’s dwelling was cluttered with books and papers that covered nearly every flat surface. He noticed tchotchkes and bric-a-brac like small planted cacti scattered about to break up the monotony of paper.

“Uncle Luke?” Ben called, trying to find his mother’s twin brother amongst the mess.

Suddenly the man appeared from the kitchen to his right and Ben jumped slightly. His uncle was shorter than he and had a small paunch typical of a man his age. His face was obscured by a greying beard and his hair was not exactly long but looked like he didn’t get it cut regularly either. He wore huaraches sandals under khaki chinos even in the comfort of his own home. To be fair, it had been some years since Ben had seen his uncle, but his imagination combined with faint memories hadn’t quite conjured this wildman image.

“Ah, Ben. I wondered when you’d get here. Your mother let me know you were coming,” he said and sat on a worn leather couch with a martini in his hand. Ben fidgeted nervously in the walkway until Luke, who looked like he had just noticed his discomfort, gestured for him to sit. Ben took a seat in a faded Victorian style chair that had a rip in one of the cushions while his uncle surveyed him with a steady eye.

“So,” his uncle said at last, downing the last of his martini, and placing the empty glass on the cluttered table next to him, “Why are you here?”

Ben found the question odd to say the least; surely his mother had explained the circumstances of his arrival on the phone. “My mother told me to come stay with you.”

“No. That’s who sent you. _Why_ are you here?” Luke leaned back, reclining his arms on either side of the couch, waiting for Ben’s answer.

“I – Well – I…I don’t have anything left for me in New York,” Ben said, trying to regain his footing around the man’s odd scrutinizing stare. He figured the truth would be the best course and continued, “I destroyed my career, I drove my girlfriend away, and I nearly killed myself with drugs. I ran away because my life is over. So, I’m here now. I guess.”

“Amazing,” his uncle said, and Ben looked up at him, “Every word of what you just said…was wrong.” Ben cocked his head at the old man, growing frustrated with his cryptic manner.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, his irritation thinly veiled. He wondered if the first five minutes of being in the same room were going this way how he was going to stand living here.

“Your life is not over. You’re here to pick up the pieces and hopefully find a better path. And maybe, if you work really hard, you’ll actually be happy with the life you make at the end of it all,” Luke said powerfully, and Ben felt like a small child under his stare. “Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ve got a few ground rules.”

It turned out Luke’s ground rules were all things that Ben could live with. First, he was to start going to a support group every week and Luke was going to drive him. His uncle waited on the street and asked him to bring him out a cup of coffee after every meeting, saying that there was something pleasant and homey about the “charbroiled flavor”, but Ben suspected that it was just to show proof that he actually _had_ attended the meeting and not just sat outside the doors of the public gymnasium waiting for the time to run out.

In addition to the meetings, he needed to find a job, if for no other reason than to keep him occupied and out of trouble. Luke didn’t specify what kind of job and Ben didn’t bother to clarify, so he found work as a bartender in a small tavern that was a few blocks away from Luke’s apartment.

Ben was also required to rise each morning, get dressed and do _something_ around the small house.

Luke’s final condition was that they have dinner together every night, or at least every night that Ben wasn’t working. During this time, Luke would ask him questions about his day. It wasn’t in the same pointed way that Han would question Ben’s choices, and he eventually found himself opening up to his strange uncle.

He learned in time that his uncle was a respected professor at UC Berkley where he had worked for at least the last twenty years. Luke Skywalker had legally changed his last name from Organa sometime in the late sixties after he had taken a “spirit journey” into the California desert. Ben thought this was probably code for “took a lot of acid and danced around a bonfire with other hippies” but didn’t voice the opinion aloud. His uncle had declared he had seen a vision that had told him to shed his old identity and to become “one with the land”.

So, Ben settled into a comfortable if slightly unorthodox routine in California.

_San Francisco, CA, Early May, 1988_

“Ben? Did you want to share something with the group?” Lawrence “Lor” San Tekka asked him as Ben fidgeted in his seat and bounced his knee with anxiety. These days he always shared at least the events of his week, how he felt about his addiction, and any triumphs he had achieved. Today was a challenge. His birthday had come and gone in the space between the last meeting and this one. His mother had called him at Luke’s house and his father…well his father had tried to talk to him, but when Han had questioned how he was doing in his meetings, he had hung up. His father hadn’t really sounded like he was arguing, but Ben figured it was only a matter of time before it escalated like normal. Luke had known better than to ask and they had passed the evening together in peaceable silence, even with the elephant in the room.

“It’s not – I don’t know if – It’s not really related to my addiction,” Ben started, looking at his hands.

“That doesn’t matter,” Lor said, “This is an open space for you to share anything that’s on your mind without fear of judgment. Sometimes the things we don’t think are related have a way of wiggling into our disease anyway.”

With this encouragement Ben cleared his throat and began. Once he started the words flowed from him like a dam finally bursting. He told them about the phone call, but more importantly, he told them about how it was a pattern between Han and his son. Han had been absent during the early years of Ben’s life. He had been drafted into the Vietnam War and served as a pilot. He had been young and handsome with a beautiful wife and new child. When his draft number was called, he could have filed for an exemption, but whether from feelings of honor or just from the feeling of being trapped into a suburban family life, he had gone. Ben had been nearly six when his father left for the war, dressed in his uniform, kissing Leia and pulling Ben into a tight hug.

Ben had been told that he was the man of the house now and to take good care of his mother. He took the duty very seriously and tried to comfort his mother the best that he could in his father’s absence. Han sent them photos and letters as often as possible and Ben enjoyed looking at the images of the jungle landscapes and small villages. It felt like a world away, and Han was a hero in his young son’s eyes. He wanted to make his father proud of him, and often crawled into bed with his mother at night, sensing her sadness and wiping her tears in the dark.

Han had come back after three long years away, but he had come back changed. He didn’t talk about it with his wife and he was distant with his son. Ben didn’t know how to deal with the hardness that the war had placed in Han’s heart and did his best to do anything that would make Han notice him. Han was ever critical of Ben’s pursuits, encouraging him in one hand and censuring his efforts on the other. Ben had overheard him tell his mother that it was “good for the boy” and he was “raising him to be a man”. Ben excelled under the pressure and managed to attain award after award during his schooling. But Han was the kind of father to push Ben to be captain of the basketball team, but never come to one of his games. When Ben finally reached late adolescence and then adulthood, he found that he had tried so hard to be the man his father wanted that he had neglected to find out who he actually was. He had few true interests of his own and usually went along with the plans of others. This made it easy to make friends, but Ben always found them lacking for something that he couldn’t quite describe.

Leia had been a help in the beginning to shield Ben from Han’s worst criticism, but as the seventies drew on, she had longed for a piece of something that she could call her own. She was a proud woman, having grown up a debutante in New York’s social strata, and motherhood and a place as someone’s wife had never fully utilized her talents or mind. She had pushed against the boundaries of her chosen life and was fully immersed into the Women’s Liberation movement. She would come back with a triumphant smile from rallies she organized with her closest friend, Amilyn. Ben had been happy to see her smile again after years of watching the emotional fallout between she and Han, but now truly felt the loneliness of his own life.

Ben and Han’s tumultuous relationship had finally reached a head when Ben decided to go into business and finance at college rather than return from his schooling to join his father’s Long Island contracting business. They had both exploded at each other during the Christmas break and Ben had chosen to spend the summers after that in Connecticut, insisting to his mother that he was really just trying to get ahead in his studies, rather than avoiding his father. Upon graduation he had tried running away by moving to the city and had found himself working as an assistant to the trading floor brokers. Ben had been taken in by the world of high-risk investment, and it gave him a thrill as he watched the numbers go up and down based on his recommendations to his boss. This had been the time when cocaine had entered the picture and he had fallen for it in the same way that he had fallen for the casino like life of the trading floor. It was a world apart from the life that Han had planned for him and he reveled in it for that reason above all others.

He hadn’t seen the signs of his own addiction then, and when his parents had tried to approach him, he had spurned them both. He had assumed it was more of his father disapproving of his choices rather than any legitimate concerns. He couldn’t see the danger in those days. And now that Ben put everything on the table it was shocking how blind he had really been to everything. Something in him felt lighter just by sharing these dark parts of himself with the meeting.

Ben broke down in front of the group that day, and Lor put his hand on the young man’s shoulder comforting him. As he sat surrounded by others with tales that mirrored his own, he couldn’t help but think about Rey. She had felt loneliness like his too, and he remembered how even though she hadn’t known the extent of his past she had been like a balm to his soul. They had complemented one another in their past hurts like two pieces that finally fit together in life’s endless puzzle. He felt guilt in the way he had brought the demise of their relationship and hoped silently that she was happy back in New York.

_San Francisco, CA, Late August 1988_

Ben found himself staring at the worn little strip of photographs again, looking at the smiles and laughs on Rey’s face and the way that she had kissed him back in their final portrait. He did this from time to time, but always seemed to rouse himself from visions of the past before anyone seemed to notice. Until tonight that was.

A girl he’d seen a few nights in a row sat at the bar looking at him intently and he coughed, stuffed the photos into his back pocket, and turned to clean glasses so he could hide his pink cheeks. He didn’t like it when people stared at him, especially during a private moment such as that. He could feel her eyes on his back still and ventured a glance behind him. She was still looking, this time with slight amusement. He pointedly ignored her until she asked, “You don’t talk much, do you?”

“Not as a rule, no,” he said, and threw the bar towel over his shoulder. The girl was pretty enough, and her blonde hair was piled in braids on her head. She smiled at him and he averted his gaze. He wasn’t used to this kind of attention and normally avoided it if he could.

“I’m Kaydel, but everyone calls me Kay,” she said, her voice bright and cheery.

“I’m Ben. Just Ben,” he said awkwardly. He had never been very good at talking with girls.

“Well, Ben, I’ve been watching you, and you’re pretty cute. So, here’s what I’m thinking,” she started, and he blushed at her forwardness, “When you get off tonight, I’ll meet you here and we can maybe go do something.”

He had stammered but finally agreed and gave her the details of his shift. This girl was persuasive, and he supposed he didn’t really have anything to lose. He had promised his uncle he would start trying to build a life here. He called his uncle when Kay left and got his blessing to skip their dinner for the evening.

As promised, Kay showed up and the two of them went out. It was too late to really go much of anywhere, but they wandered around and Kay drew Ben out of himself. He found that he actually enjoyed her company and there was something about her that reminded him a bit of Rey. But she wasn’t Rey and ultimately would be disappointed in him. He had nothing of himself that he could give Kay that wasn’t already promised to the girl he’d left in New York. Kay didn’t seem to notice or mind though and for that Ben was relieved.

As they said goodbye, Ben walked Kay to her door and turned to leave.

“Hey Ben,” she called softly, and he glanced back at her sad eyes. “Who is she? That girl in your photos?”

He blushed, but she seemed genuine in her curiosity and he pulled the camera roll out of his pocket and showed it to her. She looked at the tiny worn frames and looked at him with a rueful smile. She asked a few more questions and had no judgment on her face when he gave the answers.

“Ben, I think tomorrow, I’d like to be your friend,” Kay said, brushing her hand across his cheek, “But tonight, I can pretend to be her, if you can pretend to be him.” And pretend they did. It was nice for a time, and Ben hadn’t realized how starved of touch he was until Kay had kissed him. The spark he had felt with Rey, however, wasn’t there and both he and Kay agreed that it had been a bit like kissing a sibling. She was true to her word though, and from that moment forward he found that he finally had a friend here in this new home.

He enjoyed Kay’s company and listened to her talk about her life in San Francisco. She was an artist and had moved here with her ex-boyfriend to open a gallery, but she hadn’t found anyone to sponsor her work. Her boyfriend was a musician and had gone to LA and decided not to come back; he had called and let her know on her answering machine. Ben told her about his own reasons for living in San Francisco and to his surprise she didn’t judge him then either. Sometimes they talked about Matt, and Kay told him that she had initially chosen him because he looked a bit like him, and sometimes they talked about Rey. It was…nice, and Ben enjoyed adding Kay to his growing list of ties to San Francisco.

_San Francisco, Early February, 1989_

“Ben, I’d like to talk to you about a few things,” Luke said tentatively, surveying his nephew across the dinner table. The statement didn’t spark the same nervous energy that it might have a year prior, when the fatherly tone only brought about bad memories. Ben just looked up, intent on his uncle’s face, urging him to continue with his silence. “First, I have a friend I want you to meet. I think you’ve worked too long at that bar and it’s time for you to start looking at building a career again. It would mean planting some roots here. In San Francisco. I’ve talked with your mother, and she’d be sad to see you stay here, but agrees that it’d probably be for the best.”

Ben looked at Luke and thought about his words. Luke was patient and gave him time to absorb his speech. Ben took a breath and said, “I think…I think you’re probably right.” As much as he enjoyed the bar, he was ready for a challenge again.

Luke smiled at him, a rare sight, and continued, “I’ve talked with Lando and he’s interested in your talents, especially because of your past experience on Wall Street. He can give you more details than I can, but it sounded like he had a promising opportunity.”

Ben agreed to meet with this Lando Calrissian the following day and then as if remembering said, “You said there were a couple things, you wanted to talk about.”

“Oh, right,” Luke said and now he seemed more nervous. Ben wasn’t used to this kind of energy from his normally calm and occasionally too casual uncle. “Next week I’m going back to New York. I’ve been invited to host a series of guest lectures by an old friend. I wanted to invite you to come with me. I’m sure your mother wouldn’t mind getting to see you again, and well…it’d give you an opportunity for some closure with your father. You’ve made a lot of progress, Ben, but he still hangs like a shadow on you. Maybe it’s time for you to confront that. Then you might start to feel like San Francisco is really your home, and not just the place you’ve run away to.”

Ben fidgeted in his chair at the mention of Han and Luke asked him to just “think about it”. Ben told him he would and that he’d have an answer for him before it was time for Luke to leave. Luke patted his shoulder congenially and they went back to eating dinner together in silence. His uncle was good about silence and his time here didn’t feel strained like it did in Han’s presence.

That night Ben lay awake and thought about all his reasons for leaving New York and about the work he’d done with his support group. It had taken him almost the entire year he had spent here to build himself up after his relapse. He felt good about the friendships he’d built and the ties he’d made to this place. The steep streets and trolleys seemed just as familiar to him now as the bustle of New York. He also saw the wisdom in his uncle’s words and knew that if he wanted to stay here permanently, he’d have to face the demons that waited for him three thousand miles away. He resolved to tell Luke that he’d accept his invitation to join him

The next day he met with his uncle’s friend and was surprised to find that the opportunity fitted his education and experience better than he had anticipated. Lando was a venture capitalist who had already invested in some of the businesses in the Silicon Valley. He had grown more successful and decided to start a firm; he needed a financial officer to help him assess risk in each new venture. He told Ben that he wouldn’t need him for at least a few weeks, and the offer was as good as his if he chose to take it. The starting salary would be small but would only grow as the firm did. Eventually, if Ben did well enough, Lando would consider making him a partner. Ben didn’t need time to think it over and shook Lando’s hand then and there to seal the deal.

That night, as Luke and Kay toasted Ben’s new success over dinner, he found that for once there was a spark of genuine happiness that was all his own. He enjoyed the evening and began to prepare himself for the impending trip and all that it would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a longer chapter, but now...Now we return to the fluff!


	21. If I Could Turn Back Time

_NYC, Early February, 1989_

Rey rushed down the halls of NYU. She couldn’t believe that she was late on today of all days. Her shift at the Silk Star had nearly been over and she was ready to turn command over to Jannah when a particularly irate customer had burst in, complaining about a dress she had purchased. Rey had done her best to quell the woman’s rage, but by the time she finally decided to refund the money just to get the woman out of there, she had been running quite late. At least she didn’t have to go all the way to Brooklyn, as the guest lecturer was going to be situated at the Manhattan campus. She hadn’t bothered to change out of her work clothes in her hurry and hoped that the occasion would be as informal as Maz had promised. She had originally planned to wear a suit jacket and skirt; erring on the side of too professional was better than having this Luke Skywalker be of the same mind as Professor Pryde. She was out of breath as she reached the small lecture hall and managed to get inside just as they were closing the doors.

She sat down as quietly as she could and attempted to smooth her windswept hair down while catching sight of the professor in the bottom of the hall. He wasn’t an imposing man, but as he gave a brief introduction to his field of study Rey looked on with wonder. The way that he talked about the forces that guided the universe fascinated her. As she turned her gaze lazily around the lecture room, she saw a head of black hair in the front row that gave her pause. She brushed it off at first, because seeing Ben in every tall head of hair was nothing new for her. Besides, what would Ben Solo be doing in a physics lecture in New York City? It wasn’t until he turned slightly that she started. His features were too familiar to her to be anyone else and she slunk deeper into her seat, hoping that he wouldn’t see her. 

Rey looked into the bag at her side that housed a copy of her thesis and started trying to calculate exactly how she could still give her paper to Professor Skywalker without being observed. As the lecture ended and a crowd started to gather around the podium, she saw her opening pushed to the center so she would be obscured on all sides. She kept sneaking nervous glances at Ben who was thankfully staring into space. With a sigh of relief, she deposited the envelope into the basket with other papers and turned to leave, smacking straight into someone’s chest. There were exclamations of surprise on both sides and she looked up with horror to find herself staring into a pair of familiar brown eyes. How had he possibly managed to move so quickly?

He was confused at first, trying to comprehend the scene and she nervously stuttered, “Sorry! B-bye!” She was running away before he could answer and dashed out of the hall and into the cold air of the street. She fumbled in her purse for the pack of cigarettes and nervously drew one to her lips. She didn’t always smoke, but ever since she was in grade eight, when she had stolen some of Unkar Plutt’s menthols, she would buy a pack whenever she was stressed. As the end of her graduate career drew to a close, stressed was an understatement but she still felt slightly bad about the amount that she’d gone through lately. After all, they told you nowadays that smoking was bad for you.

“R-rey,” a voice gasped behind her and she looked to see Ben doubled over, trying to catch his breath. “God, you’re fast.”

Rey didn’t know exactly what to say, so let slip the first thing that came to mind, “What are you doing here?” He looked slightly hurt at the question, and she softened, “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, what are you doing at a physics lecture…in New York? I thought you were, y’know, gone.” She gestured vaguely at what she hoped was a westerly direction.

“I-I,” he seemed nervous and ran his hand through his hair. She knew he did that whenever he was embarrassed and blushed a bit at her own memories. “I’m here with my uncle. He’s here to guest lecture. I just tagged along since we didn’t get here until a few hours ago.”

“Wait….Your _uncle_ is THE Luke Skywalker? The renowned physicist, MIT graduate, Luke Skywalker?” Rey said with a tone of disbelief.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said, shrugging his shoulders at the accolades that she mentioned. “He’s my mom’s brother.”

“Why didn’t you ever mention something like that?” she said, her voice taking on a note of reproach.

He looked uncomfortable with the question and it was like some invisible barrier snapped shut between them again. He kicked at the ground and changed the subject, asking, “So…you’re smoking again.”

She flicked the ashes of the cigarette and raised an eyebrow at him, “Don’t be an arsehole, Ben.”

“No, no,” he said, raising his hands in mock surrender, “I just…do you mind if I bum one?”

She thought for a moment, then pulled one of the white sticks out, lighting it on the tip of her own and handed it to him. He took a long drag and blew a stream of smoke into the night air. 

“I thought you didn’t smoke,” she said to fill the silence and he looked at her for a moment.

“Not normally, no,” he replied, “But you spend five days in a car with Uncle Luke and tell me if you don’t need a smoke break.”

She laughed a bit at the joke, but remembering herself, she cleared her throat and looked at the ground. She threw the butt down and pressed it out with her heel. “Well…I should…I should be going now,” Rey said with embarrassment.

“Wait, Rey,” he said, and his familiar grip was around her elbow. She didn’t shake him off and he let her go just as suddenly as he had grabbed her. She paused to look at him as he got out, “Do you – Do you want to get some coffee or…something?” Her eyes narrowed slightly, and he caught her apprehension, tacking on, “Just as friends. I won’t try anything, I promise.”

“Just friends?” she said, still unsure.

“Scouts honor,” he said, holding up three fingers. She thought about it and found herself relenting to that familiar brown gaze.

“Fine,” she huffed, annoyed with herself more than with him. They walked in a strangely tense silence to the coffee shop and she kept reminding herself that she was over Ben. She had spent an entire year getting over him and now…They were just friends. Just. Friends.

She sat down on the red pleather seat of the booth and it fell beneath her with a whoosh of air. He took off his leather jacket, letting it pool around him in his seat, and then he was looking at her, just looking, and it made her cheeks redden slightly for some reason. She picked at the Formica tabletop which looked like someone had tried to scratch their initials into it at some point.

“You grew a beard,” she said lamely, making a stray observation to cut the tension. He started a bit and stroked his chin and the facial hair that hadn’t been there the last time they had seen one another.

“I suppose I did,” he replied, “You don’t like it?”

“Y – No – I mean…” she stuttered and wondered why she was feeling so shy around him. He looked on with slight amusement and she felt a bit like slapping his shoulder “I mean, it doesn’t really matter what I think. When did you start growing it?” Truth be told she did like the way it looked on him. It made his features look sharper than normal and there was something inherently masculine about the look.

He scratched his chin absently and thought for a moment, looking at the ceiling, “I don’t know, about three months ago, maybe? I just sort of got tired of shaving. Kay said she thought it made me look ‘distinguished’ or whatever.”

“Kay?” Rey asked, and she couldn’t describe her feelings as anything less than disappointed. Of course, he had found someone else; it had been a year after all. She cursed the feelings she couldn’t turn off. “She’s your girlfriend?”

He looked confused and laughed a bit at the question, “Kay? Oh god no – I mean one time – but no. She’s just a friend. God she’s like a sister or something. And she doesn’t feel that way about me either, trust me.” Rey let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding, feeling lighter somehow. “Um, what about you? Boyfriend or anything?” He looked away as he asked the question, his own face slightly pink.

“No,” she said and regretted how quickly it had come out, adding, “I mean, I’ve dated, but no. No one right now.” She felt his foot touch her own from under the table and then suddenly retract as if burnt. He did it so fast and his legs were so long that he slammed his knee on the underside of the table, rattling the cutlery, and let out a loud curse. This seemed to break the tension between them, and Rey began to laugh. Ben joined her and before they knew it, they were doubled over in laughter for no particular reason.

The laughter eventually died down and the waitress came over to take their order. He ordered his coffee black just as she remembered it, and she ordered a cappuccino. She had grown accustomed to late night caffeine such as this during the heavy workload of her graduate courses. They sipped in silence and she asked him about his life in California.

He reached behind him into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a small stack of white framed polaroid photos, spreading them out on the table. She colored slightly at the sight but looked at each one in turn with awe. There was one of the Golden Gate Bridge, a few of groups of people in strange looking costumes marching in the street, the Falcon outside of a dingy bar, a blonde-haired girl and Professor Skywalker, and many more that illustrated the life he had in San Francisco. There were several in the mix from his journey with Luke as well.

“These are just some of my most recent ones, and a few favorites,” he said, “I have tons more back home.”

This Ben was so different than the one that had left her; there was a surety and confidence about him that made her heart ache. Even through the changes she noted though, there was something that was still just _Ben_. He told her about how he attended meetings every week now and about his life with his Uncle. He asked her about her schooling, and she told him about how Maz had suggested that she show her thesis to Professor Skywalker for his professional opinion.

“I never did ask you what you were writing it on,” he said ruefully, and she grew slightly embarrassed at the implied question.

“Well,” she started, “It’s…well… I was kind of inspired by you – well, us, that is.” He seemed taken aback by this and she turned a shade of crimson as he waited for her to expound. “It’s about electrons in computing and well, I was fascinated with the way that these small particles interact in a constant dance, always attracted but never able to touch.”

“That’s um – that’s well,” he said, at a loss for words.

“It’s better on paper,” she said, trying to brush away the nervous energy that she felt, and the moment ended. “Maz says it’ll change the way we think about computing.”

“That’s amazing, Rey,” he said and touched her hand reflexively. He took it away just as fast. He coughed loudly to hide his embarrassment. His hand had been warm and large like she remembered and part of her longed for him to touch her again. He looked so healthy now, like he had when they had begun to date, and she felt her eyes roam over the taut sinew of his forearms and the way that he filled out his white t-shirt again. She mentally stopped herself and hoped he hadn’t noticed her roving gaze.

They continued to talk for what seemed like hours, catching up on a year worth of separation. Their topics never lingered on anything that reminded them too acutely of their breakup and they danced around the subject as their coffees grew cold in front of them.

Finally, they couldn’t linger any longer and Ben pulled out his wallet to pay for the coffees. Rey tried to intercede, but he waved her off saying, “It’s ok, I asked you to come out.” He pulled a few single bills out and Rey saw a tiny white strip come out with it. She made eye contact with him and could see the panic in his eyes as he hastily stuffed it away again. She didn’t comment, but her insides fluttered as she instantly recognized the roll of photos that they had taken together nearly two years prior.

They walked out of the coffee shop together into the cold February night and the bell jingled behind them. Rey fidgeted, not sure how to say goodbye and Ben cleared his throat, looking as if he wanted to tell her something but wasn’t sure how to start. She waited and he ran his hand through his hair again finally starting in a burst, “Rey, I just wanted to apologize…for everything.” He waved his arm in air between them.

“Ben, you don’t have to-“ Rey started, surprised by the suddenness of his speech.

“Dammit, yes I do,” he said firmly, and then softened his tone after seeing her astonishment. “I just – I was a real shitty boyfriend. I wasn’t honest with you and I really hurt you. I wish that I could go back and do it all over, but I know I can’t. I was in a really bad place and I dragged you into that, and I can only tell you that I’m sorry.” He looked at her with baleful eyes and she felt herself melting before him.

“Ben, I –“ she started softly and looked at the ground to collect herself. She could feel the sincerity of his words and it was overwhelming. “I appreciate that. For what it’s worth, I forgave you a long time ago, and I said some…hurtful things too…” she trailed off.

“So…friends?” he asked shyly, and she nodded in agreement.

“Well...goodbye, Ben,” she said awkwardly, and he chucked slightly. “What?”

“Sorry, it’s just… It’s the third time you’ve told me that, and I don’t think I’ll ever be used to hearing it,” he said, and she blushed.

They stood a moment longer, both trying to figure out how to part ways. In the end, Ben stuck out a hand and Rey went in for a hug. They collided and backed up after the embarrassing confrontation, laughing nervously, and this time both agreed upon a hug. Rey held onto him a little longer than she had intended as he rubbed her back gently and she took in the familiar scent of his leather jacket and cologne. Her heart picked up an anxious beating in her chest that she knew Ben could feel, but his pounded with equal enthusiasm. Rey let him go and looked at him, deciding suddenly to reach onto her toes and kiss his cheek. He froze at the contact at first, but a slight turn of his head and his lips were suddenly dancing on hers. She returned the contact, her heart seeming to explode in her chest, and wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him down to her level. Ben grabbed her waist to pull her in close to him in a frenzy of moving limbs. She moaned softly into his open mouth and he darted his tongue out to meet hers. They embraced this way until they had to part for air, their chests both heaving.

“Should we?“ she started and he looked at her with a hunger in his eyes.

“I have a hotel room,” he replied, and she nodded curtly in agreement. Ben hailed a cab as quickly as he could, given that they were once again locked in a frenzied lust, and told the driver where to take them.


	22. Heat of the Moment

_NYC, Early February 1989_

Rey ran her hands through Ben’s black hair, loving the feel of it between her fingers. There was something about the way that he kissed her now that was familiar but altogether new. Her hands traveled over every inch of him that she could in the cramped vicinity of the cab. She explored the contours of his face, the softness of his new beard, and the wide spread of his chest and shoulders. She clung to him as tightly as she could as if afraid that he might disappear under her grasp.

He had equal enthusiasm for her, and she held her breath as his kisses roamed from her lips to her jawline, wandering to her ear and down her neck. His hands caressed the tops of her breasts over her clothes and traveled down, around her back and down the tight curve of her backside. He leaned into her, reclining her onto the seat and she stifled a moan.

The cab driver looked happy to be rid of the pair as they burst out of the backseat in front of Ben’s hotel. He fished out a twenty-dollar bill and thrust it at the man, not bothering to collect his change, and then he was kissing Rey again. After a year of separation, they were breathless to make up for lost time.

They parted and for a moment, both looking at the lobby, calculating the steps between the entrance and the elevator and Ben cleared his throat. He took Rey’s hand in his own and it was like no time had passed as she led her as quickly as possible past the front desk. The clerk raised a lazy eye at them, and Ben pushed the “up” button with some force. He pushed it a couple more times for good measure, and they stood back to watch with impatience as the hand counted the descent. Five floors away. Three. Two. One. The shiny doors slid open to the cramped elevator and they both walked in as casually as possible. As soon as the doors began to close, however….

Ben’s room was on the fourteenth floor, and he groped the wall to press it, inadvertently selecting the seventh and twelfth floors as well. Rey distracted him during this mission, and he whirled to face her, pinioning her between himself and the wall, the handrail protruding into her back. He had his arms on either side of her and looked down at her with an almost animalistic need. She could feel his breath on her face as she closed the distance between them, and he was running his own hands through her hair. Their bodies mashed together, and it was like every nerve in Rey’s body was alive with electricity with his touch. The doors opened at the final floor and they practically fell out of the elevator.

“Where…. Is…. Your…. Room?” Rey asked breathlessly against his mouth and he jerked his head in the correction direction. They moved together as if dancing, not bothering to separate as they lurched down the hall. They were caught in a cycle of push and pull as Ben fumbled blindly with his key in the door all the while shoving her against it. She let out a little shriek of surprise as he picked her up to carry her inside, but she relaxed into him and he set her back down, practically slamming the door behind him.

She was still on her toes as he pulled her in close, pressing her firmly against his arousal. This part she remembered well, and even though it had taken her a moment to reacquaint herself with his body, she found it was as the saying went “like riding a bicycle.”

Now that they found themselves away from the prying eyes of the public, he grew more aggressive in his desire. Hands went roughly up her shirt, and the forceful motion rent a button from the top of her blouse. It ricocheted off into the room and he paused, almost rebuked, until she shook her head into his passionate kisses, signaling that she didn’t care. With her consent being given, he let himself give into impassioned spontaneity and ripped the entire front of the blouse open, revealing her lacy bra the color of cotton candy. He kissed her collar bone and began to work his way downwards, the thumb of his hand rubbing circles over the thin fabric until she rose involuntarily beneath it. She yanked his head back to hers, biting on his lower lip until he gave a cry of pleasure. She seized the back of his shirt and ripped it upwards until with one arm he helped draw it completely off, throwing it into the room without looking.

  
As he pressed against her, his chest was warm on hers, trapping her in the most intoxicating sort of way as they ground against one another. He put a knee between her legs, nudging them open so he could rub against her more effectively. She tilted her hips towards him and rubbed her own hands over his upper thighs, finding her way to his belt and fumbling it open. He let out a low groan as she pulled open his zipper and found him ready for her. He followed her lead and hiked up her skirt, roughly pushing aside the fabric that he found in his way. Rey arched her back as they both found a rhythm.

The edges of her perception were growing soft as all coherent thought left her, but she was suddenly startled as Ben’s hands left her, coming around to pick her up under her thighs. He pinned her against the wall and she instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist. His eyes were dark with lust as he positioned himself and then he was inside her and she whimpered at the familiar sensation.

He was moving with a fury he hadn’t shown her before, and whispered against her lips, “God, I missed you.” She cried out slightly with each crashing of their bodies and he carried her to the bed, never leaving her. She wouldn’t have wanted him to anyway. Ben lifted one of her legs up, resting her calf on his shoulder and renewed his intensity. This was all it took to send her hurtling over the edge with a cry of his name. He followed her not long after and then collapsed on top of her as they both struggled to catch their breath.

She thought that they were done until she noticed the tender kissing on her shoulder that began to trail further down. He was gently tugging off the clothes that neither of them had bothered to remove and she let him, extending first one leg, then the other. She fumbled behind her for the clasp that held her bra in place and released it. He stared at her with admiration for a moment before taking one of her legs in his hands. Ben nuzzled her knee, planting tender kisses there, and massaged circles into her inner thighs with his broad thumbs. He traversed the length of her thigh with the graze of his lips and she felt the breath leave her as he found his mark. She didn’t realize how much she had missed this, especially because he knew her body at least as well as his own. She felt herself melt away as she reached a second peak under his expert care.

Before returning to her lips again, he kicked off his own remaining clothing. He crawled slowly up to meet her and this second time making love was as tender as the first had been ferocious. Trembling fingers moved over every inch of her until her flesh erupted in gooseflesh. He was warm and heavy on top of her, and her mind was currently incapable of anything but blissful acquiescence. They tumbled over the final cliff of the night wrapped in each other and when he rolled off of her, releasing the spell of their merging, she felt a small pang of sorrow to find herself back on earth in own body. This was quickly quelled as those strong arms she had dreamt of for long solitary months wrapped themselves around her again, pulling her close. Ben kissed the nape of her neck and curled around her. She was currently powerless to do anything except utter a soft happy sigh and back into him as the ecstasy of their bare skin touching eased something deep in her heart. Her consciousness faded into oblivion in that warm embrace and she smiled at the soft snoring that Ben was already making behind her.

When she awoke in the morning it took her a moment to comprehend where she was at again. A breeze from somewhere in the room had made her cold in the night, and a blanket was draped over their bodies in a messy array. Ben shifted behind her, tightening his grip around her middle and then it all flooded back to her. _Ben._ Oh, god. What had she done?

She shot up in bed, lamenting the actions that had led her back to his bed. He was startled into consciousness by the sudden movement and at first looked confused, but the confusion died down quickly as a happy smile spread across his face. It lit up his features and Rey could have melted right there.

“Good morning,” he yawned, and he looked at her with such happiness that she almost regretted her next words.

“Ben, that- last night…it can’t happen again,” she said, covering her bare chest with her arms. His happiness vanished like a balloon deflating, replaced with a look of barely concealed hurt that brought on a wave of remorse in her for occasioning. “It was a mistake, don’t you agree?”

He looked at the bed, his eyebrows knitting together. “Y-yeah. A mistake. Probably just…probably just a physical response to each other, y’know since it’s been…so long.” He gave her the out, and met her hazel eyes, his deep brown ones begging her to refute him. But she wouldn’t, couldn’t and took his offered excuse.

“Yeah, we just…we never got to have that break up sex everyone talks about,” she said, trying to play it off with a joke, and she could see him take a deep breath at the statement. She distracted herself from his sad gaze by trying to locate her clothes from where they had been shamelessly flung the previous night. She pulled on everything she could but looked at the tattered remains of her blouse with a flustered stare. She heard a sigh over her shoulder and glanced at Ben who was holding out one of his own overlarge t-shirts to her. She hesitated, considered her options, and snatched the proffered covering.

“I- I’ll give this back to you,” she said shyly, and he ran his hand through his hair.

“Keep it,” he said, not looking at her to hide the color rising in his cheeks, “I have- I have enough of them. I’m not worried about it, Rey.” There was something about the way he said her name that brought on a fresh wave of sadness.

“Um, thanks, Ben.” She hastily slung her bookbag over her shoulder and retreated from the room, fighting with all her willpower to keep from looking back at him as she left.

She thought she heard a faint, “Goodbye, Rey,” as the door clicked in place behind her and she covered her mouth, stifling an involuntary sob.

She took the subway home and regretted the decision. She felt like she was on display in a shirt that was obviously not hers, with mussed hair and day-old makeup. At least it was Saturday morning, so there wasn’t the usual rush of morning commuters that would have pressed in on her at this time of day. She tried to fix what she could of her appearance in the small compact she kept in her bag, but only really managed to clear away the excess mascara that made her look slightly like a raccoon.

She approached her apartment with trepidation. Zorii and Rose would know that she hadn’t returned after the meeting and she could only imagine their line of questioning. As if on a cue, her roommates did do exactly that the second she opened the door.

“Rey! You’re home! We were worried about you,” Rose said, some anxiety in her voice and then a look of understanding washing over her as she took in Rey’s appearance. “Ohhhhh.”

Zorii leapt up to get a better look and her concern quickly faded to a knowing smirk. “Like, oh my god, you’ve totally got that ‘just been boinked’ after glow. Rose was hella worried but look at you. It’s like you’re all grown up now or whatever.” Rey flushed a deep crimson at their observations and tried to move as quickly as possible to her room as Rose followed closely behind her.

“So…who was it?” Rose inquired and Zorii trailed with an equally inquisitive face. “Is he like in your class?”

“No duh, Rose. He has to be. Who else would be at that total snore fest?” Zorii said matter of factly, and Rey really wanted the conversation to be over with so she could reflect on all of her questionable life choices. She still couldn’t believe that she’d slept with Ben again. _Ben._ Ben who was supposed to be three thousand miles away in California. Christ, she thought as she mentally kicked herself, they hadn’t even used condoms the night before and he definitely hadn’t pulled out. A wave of panic washed over her at the thought. She was practically hyperventilating and her roommates sensing her overwhelmed state led her to her bed where she sat down and buried her face in her hands.

“Oh my god, Rey, are you ok? He didn’t…. He didn’t force himself on you, did he?” Rose said, her tone growing fiercely protective. “Because if he did, my dad was totally in the army and I could…”

“No,” she croaked out, shaking her head vigorously. “It wasn’t anything like that.”

“Then what the hell happened?” Zorii asked, not bothering to conceal her impatience, “Because you’re like totally wigging out.”

She thought at first about flinging herself out the window, because at this point there was no other option to avoid her roommates’ inquisition. She took a deep breath and finally let it out, “It was – It was Ben.”

“WHAT?!” both of her roommates said in shocked unison. Rey looked up at them with a mix of terror and remorse.

She didn’t know how she could have been so stupid and dove into the tale. “And then it all just happened so fast. He was there and then he was kissing me, and oh god, I left this morning and the look he gave me… it’s like he’s still – still…”

“Still in love with you?” Rose offered and Rey nodded.

“I just- I spent so much time getting _over_ him,” Rey said shakily. “And now it’s like I’m back at square one. And I just can’t. Not again.”

Zorii and Rose looked skeptically at her but offered no comment. They eventually left Rey to her thoughts and she began to calculate all the ways that she could avoid Ben from that point on. It shouldn’t be that hard, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have a tentative chapter count now, and we're starting to go towards the final end game. Thank you all for your comments and kudos! I read them all, and...they sustain me.


	23. Let's Hear It for the Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel slightly bad about the way that the last chapter ended, so here, have this one. Hopefully it will help.

_NYC, Early February 1989_

As Ben drove to Long Island in his uncle’s twenty-year-old station wagon, he reflected with bittersweet resignation that the phrase “be careful what you wish for” bore too much truth at times. He probably would have told anyone that asked if he could have just one thing in this world it would have been one more night with Rey, and he hadn’t been wrong. That night had been…well it had been everything he had hoped for, even if the morning after didn’t quite live up to his expectations.

To be fair, he hadn’t expected her to run into his arms and skip into the sunset with him. He hadn’t really known what he expected when he had kissed her, just that she was so close, and she was wearing the perfume he liked and if he moved just right… She had kissed him back and for one glorious night it was like all the hurts of the past were behind them. They had even fallen asleep together, that must have counted for _something._ But the universe was a cruel trickster and Rey ran out of his bed with astonishing speed the next morning. He guessed that he had hoped they could _at least_ get breakfast together, but it wasn’t meant to be he thought. He hadn’t tried to dwell on it, supposing that it was really just further penance for how he had bungled their entire relationship. He still kicked himself for the fear that had kept him from being honest with her. Now though, he was going to confront that fear at the root and hopefully he’d come out the other side a better man. Or at least a free man.

The rest of that weekend had gone surprisingly well, considering. He had called Armitage Hux, the only remaining friend he could think of in New York City and had even made plans to meet up with him to catch up. They met at a bar, which was the usual practice for the two, but he came with Phasma who sported a rather large rock on her left hand. Apparently, she and Hux were still going strong. 

After a brief round of pleasantries, Ben realized there was something _different_ about Hux. He commented on it, and Phasma and Hux exchanged a look with each other.

Ben’s confusion only increased as Hux said, “You haven’t heard?”

“Heard what?” he asked, genuinely in the dark to what Hux could possibly be talking about. Now Ben knew what was so different about Hux; he had dropped the sniveling manner that Ben was accustomed to seeing in him. True, he was still gangling and awkward, but the weaselly, shifty manner that he had had about him was no more.

“I’m an investigator with the Securities and Exchange Commission,” Hux said and Ben felt floored by the sudden admission from a man he had worked with for nearly five years.

“What?” Ben spluttered and Phasma looked at him with sympathy.

“Yes, I was hired to investigate claims of insider trading at Empire Financial. We arrested one Mr. Andrew Snoke and quite a few of his minions on several counts of securities fraud, racketeering and obstruction of justice. It all came to a head last year after that merger; the former vice president of acquisitions was an informant for us before he was removed from the company, but with Phasma’s help we managed to get very _incriminating_ information,” Hux explained and Ben’s jaw dropped. How could he have not picked up on Snoke’s cryptic hints? Hadn’t the man even told him there were opportunities?

“But why are you telling me this?” Ben asked, dumbfounded by the news.

“Well, my cover is blown now, but I have nice job upstairs waiting for me after the success. The boys upstairs initially wanted to investigate _you_ , what after how quickly you disappeared, but I had been watching you for months and you were completely clueless,” Hux continued and Ben felt like he had dodged a rather large bullet by quitting when he had. The rest of that evening passed in a friendly blur, and Ben found that after reflection he did _sort of_ like Hux. He wondered why he would vouch for him but supposed that they actually were friends.

Now it was Monday and his uncle had meetings with several of the graduate students who had proffered their papers like so many sacred relics to him on Friday. He would be a busy man for the new few weeks and Ben would have to find ways to entertain himself, or as Luke put it “keep out of trouble.” So, in the interest of putting to bed the one piece of business he had actually come back to New York for, he asked if he could borrow the keys to the rusted old Starfighter station wagon. His father never worked Mondays anyway, saying that Mondays were the devil’s way of making you regret your Sunday. Luke had tossed him the keys and told him to just “pick him up at five”. Now he was halfway to his childhood home and he was running through exactly what he was going to say.

Sure, he had some vague notion of how he wanted everything to go, but it was no more than “confront father and get closure”. The words he was hoping would come to him like they did in his meetings and maybe the rest would follow as well. Either way, his heart drummed out an erratic beat and he had to wipe his hands on his jeans every so often so he wouldn’t make the steering wheel slick.

He had to steel himself as he brought the car to a stop in front of the house. It didn’t look that menacing but it held enough bad memories for Ben that he struggled to open the door and it was only through sheer force of will that he pulled the handle and stepped onto the street. His mother would likely know that he was coming that day, his uncle never failing to inform her of any development with her son. He hoped that she would be understanding of his mission, but regardless he finally felt ready to face Han.

He took the walkway in carefully paced strides and knocked on the door of the house. He took a deep breath, but his mother answered the door. She looked so happy to see him and he came inside and let her embrace him. She was warm and solid, and he hadn’t realized until then how much he had actually missed her. She led him inside and his stomach danced nervously at what he was prepared to do next. His father was watching something on the television, probably some mindless daytime program, and looked up at him from the couch. Ben tried to remember what Lor had told him about fear of confrontation being worse than the actual thing and tried to fortify his resolve.

He interrupted his mother’s chattering to say, “I-I actually came to-to talk…with both of you.” Leia grew silent and Han quirked an eyebrow to him. Ben’s heart was pounding, and he almost wished he had prepared something. Now that he was here it was hard to gather the thoughts into a coherent string.

“We’re listening,” Han said, and the familiar tone was there. Ben fought every impulse he had to run or fight and just searched for his words.

“I’m going to stay in California from now on,” he said finally, making eye contact with his father. “With Uncle Luke, or maybe without him. But I’m going to stay there and make a life.”

“Are you s-“ his father started but Ben interrupted him.

“Yes. Yes, I am,” he said firmly, suddenly finding his strength. It was crazy that for so long he had lived in fear of his father’s disapproval but now that he looked at him, he realized that he was just a man.

“Ben,” his father started, the warning tone of his voice still there, “We don’t see you for a year and now suddenly you show up telling us that you’re not planning on coming back to New York? What’s going on?”

“Dad, stop,” Ben said, no longer fearing him and not letting himself be goaded into an argument, “I’m not asking for your permission.”

“Well, clearly you don’t need it,” Han replied, “You’ve always done whatever you wanted, damned be the consequences.”

“Dammit, Dad,” Ben said powerfully, “I didn’t come here to fight with you about this. So, for once in your goddamn life, can you just listen to what I’m trying to tell you?” This made Han stop in his tracks and he looked at his son for a long moment. Ben took a breath and continued, “I know – I know I haven’t been the…perfect son, but…. you haven’t been the perfect dad. I- I tried for so long to be the man that I thought you wanted me to be that I lost sight of the man that I actually was. Maybe I didn’t even know who that was until a year ago. I’ve screwed up a lot of things, but this, the life I’m trying to build, isn’t one of them. I don’t need you to understand it, or even understand me, but I need you to accept it.”

Han was looking at his son with an indeterminable expression on his face, but Ben continued to plow through his speech. “I only ever wanted…I just wanted to hear you say you were proud of me. I want you both to know that-that I’ve worked really hard to get to this place. I finally feel good…about myself. That’s why I’m staying in California.”

There was a tense silence as the words that Ben spoke were processed by all in the room, and then. Han held his arm out to his son in a universal gesture and Ben looked at it with disbelief at first.

“Okay,” Han said as Ben shook hands with father. It was more than Ben had hoped for; it wasn’t exactly like they were hugging and crying over past hurts, but it was _something._

“Okay,” he agreed. Leia came over to hug him and kissed his cheek. She already knew his decision before he had said it. His mother and uncle were strange with the way that they each knew what the other was thinking with little explanation and likely they had both formulated this plan together before he had decided upon it himself.

“I could use a little bit of sun, anyway,” Leia said cheerfully, and Ben found himself smiling. He stayed with his parents for a late lunch, and answered mostly his mother’s questions, but occasionally also ones from his father about where he lived, what he would be doing and when they could come visit him in his new home. As he started to drive back to the city, he felt like a weight that had pressed down on him for years was suddenly lifted. Granted, he didn’t know if he would ever have a great relationship with his father, but this…this was a start.

He had a lightness about him now that made him feel almost giddy as he parked the car at NYU, affixing the faculty parking tag to the rearview. He was tossing his keys up and down as he wandered to go pick up his uncle and share the news when he saw her.

Rey was sitting on a bench by herself with her head in her hands, not far from his uncle’s temporary office. He froze as he looked at her, but something deep inside compelled him to stop in front of her, to comfort her.

“Hi…Rey,” he said softly, and she started as she noticed him. She wasn’t running this time, so he supposed that that was an improvement from the last time he’d seen her. She sniffled and rubbed at her eyes and he wanted desperately to take her into his arms but resisted the urge. He chose instead to sit next to her, feeling the warmth come off of her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She thought about it for a moment then started, “Professor Skywalker – your uncle – he- he didn’t like my paper and now…I’m worried that it won’t be good enough for the review board, and I won’t graduate and all my hard work....” she clung to him suddenly, literally crying on his shoulder and he found himself awkwardly patting her when he really wanted to cocoon her into his embrace and shelter her from the world. He was slightly annoyed with his uncle for whatever had caused this bout of tears in Rey.

“Um, is there – can I help at all?” he asked shyly, and his hand drifted through his hair.

Rey looked up at him hopefully and then bit her lip, second guessing her next words. “Would you, erm…would you be willing to help me fix my paper?”

“Rey, I- I’m not exactly a science whiz or anything,” he protested and cursed himself slightly as he said the words, true as they may be.

“You don’t have to be,” she replied, her voice full of renewed enthusiasm, “I just need you to be my sounding board, and besides, you know your uncle way better than I do and…and I would really, really appreciate it, Ben.” She looked at him with those big hazel eyes, red and puffy as they were, and he couldn’t deny her the request.

“Fine, just-just tell me what I need to do,” he said, his face reddening and she lit up in front of him. It would all be worth it if she could just look at him like that again.

“Thank you so much,” she said keenly and reflexively embraced him in a hug, quickly backing away from the touch and clearing her throat after she realized what she’d done. The events of the previous Friday were still on each of their minds. “Erm…. You just- just meet me at the library, here on this campus, tomorrow at say eleven, ok?” He nodded and she looked at him for a moment and then turned and left. He felt her arms around him still, and silently wondered how he had managed to get himself here.

He pulled himself off the bench finally and retrieved his uncle. The drive back to the hotel where they were staying was mostly silent, but finally Ben broke it by saying with some level of reproach, “Why’d you have to be so hard on her?”

“Her?” his uncle questioned and then comprehension dawned in his voice. “Oh, you mean Miss Jones, Rey as it were.”

“Yeah, Rey,” Ben replied, growing irritated, “Why’d you have to tell her that you didn’t like her paper? She…she worked really hard on it.”

“Dear nephew,” Luke said dryly, but with some level of amusement, “contrary to your opinion, I don’t base my scholastic opinions on your personal feelings towards the particular pupil. Rey’s paper was…adequate, but I merely informed her that I found her work to be rather bland and…pedestrian.”

Ben wanted to hit his uncle then, but refrained, merely asking through gritted teeth, “Why would you say something like that to her?”

“Because,” Luke replied as if explaining something to a small child, “she’s a brilliant girl, and I see why you like her so much, but if you want to take good science and make it _great_ science, you need to be challenged from time to time. Rey’s not the type to give up just because I hurt her poor feelings, is she? That would be…disappointing.”

“No,” Ben protested, and he could feel his uncle’s barely masked smile as he struggled with the next words, “She’s…she’s…” He trailed off, not knowing how to articulate how resilient he knew Rey to be. It was one of the things that had made him fall in love with her after all, but his uncle didn’t need to know that.

“So, nephew, how will you be occupying your time while I slave away under these trying conditions?” Luke asked and Ben could hear him smirking, as if he already knew the answer.

“I’m…I’m helping Rey with-with her paper,” he said and avoided the blue piercing gaze that he knew was irritatingly smug.

“Interesting,” was all his uncle said in reply, and Ben thought about the following day and his promise to see Rey once again. It was definitely going to be…interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also. The next chapter will be heavily Rey/Ben focused.


	24. Take on Me

_NYC, Early February 1989_

Rey checked her appearance again in the mirror before leaving her apartment. She didn’t know why she was so edge to meet up with Ben again. Afterall, she had been the one to ask him for his help. Now she wondered if her impulsivity had led her to another mistake, but she guessed there wasn’t any point in questioning it now. After all, this was merely just one friend helping another, and she was going to do everything in her power not to repeat their weekend…activities. She flushed slightly at the memory, a tightness taking hold of her, but she tried to brush it off and distract herself with mathematical equations instead. That didn’t help very much so she instead took out the hand-me-down Walkman that Zorii had given her and tried to blast away the stray thoughts with as much Pat Benatar as her ears could handle.

She rode the subway, the pit of her stomach still fluttering nervously with each swaying halt, until she reached her stop. She hitched her bookbag onto her shoulder and headed out onto the platform. It didn’t take her long to reach the library and she looked around until she saw him. He was sitting at one of the tables patiently waiting for her, and she paused for a moment just to observe him. There was something peaceful and still about him now that conflicted with her memories of him and she almost didn’t want to disturb him. He was reading something, what she couldn’t tell, but he was focused intently on it. He was wearing a button up denim shirt under his usual leather jacket and the top buttons were slightly undone enough that she could see the shape of his collar bone and…She stopped herself suddenly. She couldn’t continue that train of thought now.

She finally decided to announce herself and joined him across the small table. “I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long,” she said shyly, and his entire face lit up to see her there with him.

He stretched his arms above his head with a groan and replied, “Nah, I was just reading this.” He gestured to what she now recognized as the copy of her paper that she had turned in to Professor Skywalker. “I hope you don’t mind. I just wanted to, I dunno, get a head start or whatever.”

“Oh. No, that’s…that’s fine,” she said and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously. “What do you think?”

“Well, I won’t pretend that I understand half of it, but it _seems_ pretty smart,” he replied with a laugh.

“Ben?” she questioned, and he looked at her seriously, “Erm, if we’re going to do this,” she gestured vaguely between them, “I think we have to…to set some ground rules.”

He reclined back, taking in what she had said and nodded. “What did you have in mind?”

“Well first, nothing _physical_ ,” she said, and he once again bobbed his head in agreement. “We can be friends, but I just…” she trailed off and he understood her.

“That’s fair,” he said quietly, looking at the table. “Um, ok, what next?”

“You have to stop looking at me like….I don’t know,” she exclaimed, gesticulating wildly at his face and he looked both confused and amused simultaneously.

“Like…me?” he asked, a hint of a chuckle in his voice. “I think you’re going to need to be more specific, Rey.”

She colored slightly and responded, “You have to stop sitting over there making…cow eyes at me constantly.” He raised an eyebrow at the phrase, but when she gave him a look, he held his hands up in front of him to quell her.

“Well, I’ll try to look less like…me, but honestly, Rey, I’ve looked like this since as long as I can remember, so I hope you’ll bear with me,” he said, still amused and she wanted to hit him.

“And you can’t flirt with me like that anymore either,” she said huffily. “It’s…It’s not right.”

“Ok, ok,” he said, trying to stifle his amusement, “No flirting or…cow eyes. Anything else so we can actually get down to business?”

“Yes,” she said firmly, “Absolutely no, under any circumstance, telling each other our _feelings_. We are broken up, ok?”

He seemed to take the last rule harder than the previous ones, but he looked at her grimly finally nodding rather than verbally acknowledging the fact. He cleared his throat and rifled through her paper absently saying, “So, how did you want to- where did you want to start?”

She smiled at him and sat down. They spent the next few hours with her just explaining the basic theories to him that she had drawn on and he took it in with rapt attention. Ben was incredibly intelligent and even though he had never studied the higher sciences except for a few college-level general education courses, he seemed to at least get the gist of her thesis after explanation.

“Your uncle told me that my lab work was exemplary, so I don’t need to do anymore work there,” she said, thumbing through her carefully drawn tables and charts, “But he said the conclusions I drew were….”

“He told me,” Ben replied so she wouldn’t have to go into the particulars. “So, how can I help?”

Now that Rey came to it, she wondered how he actually could help her with this, given his limited knowledge of the field. When she had asked for his assistance it hadn’t really been based on solid reason, more just a feeling of wanting his comfort. She started slowly, trying to find the words, “Somehow I feel more…collected…with you, and I really just need your expertise on Professor Skywalker more than anything. If he gives it the green light, then I know that my other professors will be impressed too. What can you tell me about your uncle?”

He leaned back in the chair, the front two legs coming off the floor as he did so and put his hands behind his head. “Uncle Luke is…. different. He has his own way of looking at the world,” Ben said, and Rey looked at him for more explanation.

“I won’t pretend to know much about his work,” Ben said bluntly, “But…when he talks about the universe, he always says that there is no such thing as stillness. Even when it seems like everything is at peace, there is always movement. He calls it a ‘quantum dance’ or something. If you find a way to bring something like that into your paper, I feel like he’ll get on board.”

Rey felt herself drawn to Ben as he explained his uncle’s philosophies to her and enjoyed the movement of his lips. He finished and caught her staring at him but didn’t comment. She changed the subject by saying quickly, “Do you – Are you hungry? We could get something to eat really quick if you’re not busy.”

“I don’t know, Rey,” he said, a hint of mischief returning to his voice in a way that was pure Ben Solo, “that’s not against _the rules_ , or anything is it?”

She bristled at him and snappily replied, “No, it isn’t, but keep it up and maybe it will be. Now if you’re done being rude, maybe we can actually get something to eat? I’m actually quite hungry.” He laughed and stood up, extending his hand to help her out of habit. She looked at it for a moment, tempted to take it but chose to stand on her own. He shrugged and lowered his arm back down, burying his hands in his pockets.

They walked in companionable silence, and she noticed that he had slowed his long strides to match hers, whether consciously or not she couldn’t tell. Their destination was the small cafeteria that was usually reserved for students of the university but was always willing to accommodate anyone who might be on campus for the day. Rey figured it was sufficiently unsentimental of a dining venue; there was little chance that anyone could mistake their meal for a date. Ben understood without her having to say so and when the time came for them to pay, he didn’t offer, even though Rey could tell that he wanted to. They sat facing one another and she watched as he ate his meal like food was going out of style. It actually made her laugh a bit.

“Wha-?” he asked, his mouth full of French fries.

“It’s just… that’s a very attractive look for you Ben,” Rey said, a grin spreading across her face involuntarily and he swallowed hard, giving her one of his cheeky lopsided grins.

“It was my impression that attraction had nothing to do with this,” he replied, and she blushed for some reason as he looked her in the eye. “Besides, I’ve been living alone with my uncle for the last year; it’s not exactly like table manners were a priority.”

“Fair enough,” Rey said and averted her eyes from him. There was a fluttering there that she wanted to tamp down as quickly as possible, especially because she was fairly certain that he was already breaking rule number two. They finished the rest of the meal with rather little in the way of small talk and got up to walk back to the library.

It was as they were cutting through the snowy landscaping of Washington Square Park that Ben suddenly stuck out his hand and caught her arm. She was going to let out a squeak at the sudden contact, but quieted as he held a finger to his lips. She trained her eyes where he was looking and saw a flock of pigeons near the empty fountain. He reached into his backpack and withdrew the boxy camera, raised it to his face and snapped the photo. The pigeons started as the noisy little camera whirred while it printed the photo, and the flock flew up into the sky. He pulled the photo out of the camera and handed it to Rey. She watched it develop slowly before her eyes, colors beginning to streak through the grey background until she saw the pigeons, some frozen in time midflight, that Ben had captured. 

“You can-you can keep that one…if you want,” he said as she looked at the photo with wonder. “I just like taking them, I don’t really know what to do with them after.”

She looked at him for a moment and then said softly, “Thank you, Ben.” He ran a hand through his hair again, looking slightly embarrassed.

“So, should we get back to it?” he asked, changing the subject and she nodded.

They continued on their way back to the library and talked through her paper for another couple of hours. She looked at her watch and sighed. “I suppose we should stop for the evening. I really wish we could have made more progress; I really feel like I’m on the verge of something.”

“Well, I-I have more time…if you want to keep working on it together tomorrow,” Ben said, looking nervous as he proposed the continuation of their project.

  
Rey hesitated at first and then relented, saying, “I suppose you have really helped me put my thoughts in order. Sure, I have a couple classes in the morning, but after that?”

“Sure,” he said, and his voice actually cracked a bit. She laughed at this and he laughed too. “So it’s a-“

  
“An appointment,” she said, cutting him off, and he looked like the soul of innocence as she gave him a hard look.

“Deal,” he said, and held his hand out to her. She took it and shook it and found that she enjoyed the feel of his calloused palm against hers. They said their goodbyes for the night, and she was a little sad to see him go.

The next week passed in a similar fashion; they met each day, he listened, and she explained her thoughts until they finally had her thesis reworked into something that even she hadn’t known it could become. He always brought little snacks with him and she blushed at the small tokens, surprised he even remembered that she liked things like Funyuns or coffee with too much creamer. They would sit next to each other and she would smell his cologne and lose her train of thought as she looked at the way his forearm flexed in just the right way when he gripped a pencil to jot down a note for her. She was drawing out their arrangement slightly, enjoying his company and she was sad as it became increasingly apparent that her paper was now a polished gem.

The night they finished she sat at a typewriter, putting their hard work into its finished format as Ben nodded off in a chair across from her to the gentle click clack of the keys. She rubbed the bridge of her nose slightly and said loudly enough to rouse him, “Hey, Ben.”

His head shot up and he looked at her, now alert, “What’s up?”

“Erm, I just wanted to thank you for all your help this past week. I don’t think I could have done it without you,” she said, feeling herself grow slightly self-conscious under his gaze.

“Yes, you could,” he said, a smile on his lips, “But I’m glad I could help. But I suppose now…you probably don’t need me around anymore?” There was a bittersweet note to his question, and she bit her lip slightly.

“Well…I-We could keep hanging out if you want,” she started, “I haven’t really thanked you for all the time you’ve devoted to this. We could maybe go do something tomorrow as my way of showing gratitude. My treat?” She was suddenly shy again, although she couldn’t place why exactly.

He raised an eyebrow at her slightly, asking, “Tomorrow, tomorrow? As in Tuesday?”

“Yes, why?” she asked, confused and slightly irritated at his response.

“Rey, tomorrow is the fourteenth,” he said slowly, and when she didn’t seem to comprehend his meaning continued, “of _February_?” Understanding dawned on her and he couldn’t help but laugh a bit at her reaction. “It’s okay if you want to take back your offer in light of _everything_.”

“N-no,” she said, groping for words that wouldn’t make it seem like she’d just asked him to be her Valentine. “We don’t have to do _date_ things; we can just catch up some more. Like friends.”

“Okay,” he said with an entertained sigh that she knew meant _‘Whatever you say’_. She threw a wadded ball of paper at him playfully and they both laughed a bit. She stood up, pulling the final sheet of paper from machine, and stretched.

“Help me put these away?” she asked, gesturing to the tomes that were scattered around the table.

“Only if we put them in the absolutely wrong section,” he retorted, and she snorted at his mischief. She hadn’t remembered him being so playful before and enjoyed this new, easygoing side that he was showing her.

“Deal,” she replied, and they split the pile of books between them, finding fun places to stash them in the stacks. They split up for the job, taking the better part of a half hour to finish. She was placing her last volume in the self-help section between “Women Who Love Too Much” and “Codependent No More” when a flash of light from the corner of her eye startled her.

She turned to see Ben quickly putting down his camera as she nearly stomped over to him, getting very close to his face as she interrogated him, “Ben Solo, did you just take my picture like I was some sort of-of wildlife exhibit?” and he looked panicked at having been caught.

“I-I-I,” he stuttered and couldn’t stop the camera from spitting out the evidence. She snatched the picture roughly as he attempted to explain himself. “I just, I saw you there and you looked so-so at peace, like you were at home surrounded by all the books, and I just couldn’t help it. I’m sorry.”

She was incredibly annoyed with his impulsive photography until the photo began to develop and she saw herself through his lens. She had been looking for the perfect place to put “A Discipline of Programming” and she had a small smile that tugged up one corner of her mouth. She did look quite peaceful in the photo, pretty even, with her hair waterfalling over her shoulders.

She looked from the photo to Ben who was still squirming with discomfort after being caught, volunteering more apologies. Her anger faded as quickly as it had appeared, and as if someone else was controlling her body she cut him off midsentence and pressed a firm kiss to his lips, pushing him back into the large stack behind him.

He froze, and she pulled away from him, surprised that he hadn’t kissed her back. “Rey? What about…”

“I don’t care,” she said, and it was true. In that moment, she was fueled by a week’s fill of stolen glances and missed opportunities between them, and now that she had kissed him the once, her willpower was shot, and she couldn’t resist the urge to do it again. With this acknowledgment, he began to kiss her back with equal fervor and the tension that had been slowly building in her throughout the past several days released. He licked her bottom lip and she opened her mouth to meet him in the middle. He let out a low sound of contentment, putting a hand on the nape of her neck to draw her in closer. Her hands came up to tangle behind in his hair. They embraced that way for another few minutes, until Rey could feel Ben’s hands start to drift from her face. She broke the kiss, panting a bit and looked at him.

“That was…unexpected,” he said, and she had to stop herself from laughing. “Not that I’m complaining or anything, just…I thought you didn’t want to do any of _that_ anymore.”

“Erm,” Rey said, starting to remember herself again, “Let’s not…let’s not make a big deal of it. It’s probably just how much time we’ve been spending together. I did always enjoy that _…_ part of our relationship. We just can’t be _together_ again, or anything.” She grew withdrawn again, looking at the ground as she talked.

“Ok,” he said softly, “So…did you still want to go out tomorrow? Because that was a pretty good thank you, if not.” She could hear the joke roll off of his lips and found herself smiling, shoving his shoulder lightly.

“Yes,” she said cautiously, “But the other rules still apply. We’re-we’re just going to try to be friends.”

“Friends who kiss each other?” he asked hopefully, and she rolled her eyes at him.

“Don’t push it, Solo,” she replied and moved away from him. She felt her lips tug up in an unconscious smile as she turned away so he couldn’t see. “Tomorrow, meet me at the Silk Star after my shift, okay?”

“Yeah,” he called after her. She found that she didn’t regret the kiss but hoped that Ben wouldn’t read too much into it. They both knew that she found him physically attractive, after all. Besides it was all just physical, right? He had said so himself…after. Just physical, nothing more. She shoved any other thoughts to the back of her head. She was convinced that she could keep this entire thing under control now, but still found herself in a warm glow on the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I increased the chapter count by one, so I could split this fluff into two chapters. It made sense for the beat of the songs I have in mind.


	25. She Drives Me Crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this one. I wrote and rewrote it about three times before I was happy with it.

_NYC, Mid-February, 1989_

Rey went to work the next day and didn’t try to think too hard about why she wore her red lipstick, or why she picked out one of her newest outfits, or why she used just an extra spritz of perfume. It was completely natural that she would want to look good for…work. For work. Definitely for work. She folded clothes, took inventory, and directed the other sales girls in her normal fashion but tried to keep herself busy so her mind wouldn’t drift too far. The hours went by quickly in this fashion and before she knew it, it was already time to close shop for the evening. She looked outside and saw Ben waiting for her, right on time.

She said goodbye to her coworkers and locked the doors of the Silk Star behind her, turning to meet Ben. He had drifted to her side when he noticed her finishing up and when she looked at him, he was now incredibly close. She took a step back with a nervous laugh, and he looked at her expectantly.

“So…Where are we headed on this…meeting, get together, visit?” he asked her, rifling through a list of words as he avoided the one that he knew she would most resent. She snorted at him and rolled her eyes slightly.

“We are just going to a bar around the corner from here,” she replied, “It’s going to be very… casual.”

“Got it. I can be casual,” he confirmed, still teasing her slightly. Since when had she been on the other end of their playful banter? Perhaps it was how flustered Ben made her as of late, but she was determined to not let him have the upper hand the entire night.

They walked together and he asked her small things about her day. She had dropped off her revised paper to his uncle’s office again that morning, and with any luck would be able to schedule a follow up appointment with him sometime in the course of the next week. Ben seemed as on edge as she about what Luke might think of the changes they had made. He wished her luck and the anxiety threaded itself into their other interactions, bringing them to an awkward silence.

Ben mindlessly held the door open for her when they reached their destination and she looked at him for a moment as he gestured for her to go first, not meeting her eyes. They settled into a booth and Ben grabbed drinks for them both. The bar looked odd bedecked with construction paper hearts dangling from every surface.

She looked at the gin and tonic that he placed in front of her and back at him with a sigh, “I thought I told you this was my treat?” He merely shrugged and sipped on his whiskey. They quickly exhausted all the innocuous topics that they could think of and then sat in an awkward silence. Before the entire evening could be spent in this weird silent limbo, Ben glanced over to an empty pool table and a roguish grin pulled up one corner of his mouth.

“Do you want to play a game?” he asked her, gesturing to the green felted surface.

“You can’t be serious,” Rey said skeptically.

“Hey, you’re the one who brought me to a bar,” he replied with a shrug of his shoulders. “Have you ever played before?”

“Once or twice, but I’m not very good,” Rey admitted. Ben was already up and collecting the billiard balls into the dirty plastic rack. With a measured gaze he swirled the triangle with a flourish and positioned it on the far end of the table.

“I’ll break then,” he replied, picking up a pool cue and she watched as he sent the white ball flying into the other billiards with an audible _crack!_ The balls soared across the table in a frenzied dance, but none went into the pockets, so he handed her a pool cue of her own. Rey took it from him tentatively and nervously bent over, trying to think of which ball looked the easiest to push into one of the six holes on the table. She aimed at the white ball and as she pushed her cue forward, it skipped under the ball completely making it jump off the table, skittering in Ben’s direction.

“Would you like some help?” he asked, picking the cue ball off the ground and walking over to hand it back to her.

“Erm…maybe,” she said, their fingers brushing as she took back the orb.

“Ok,” he said, and nodded at the table, “Get back in position, but don’t try to shoot just yet.”

Rey put the cue ball back on the table and obediently bent back over to look at the spread of billiards, choosing her target. Ben walked around the table to look at her form and then circled back around behind her. “Ok, may I?” he gestured to her stance, and she nodded.

“So, your head is way too high up, and it’s making you bring your shoulder too high as well.” She could feel his breath on her neck as he began to adjust her, a gentle touch on her elbow and back to bring them down. “You want the cue to feel like an extension of your arm, keep your eyes in line with it.” His face was next to hers as he did this and her heart began to pound as he mirrored her stance behind her. “Your legs are too close together,” he nudged her legs into a better position with his own and she tensed under him. “Lastly, just draw the cue back and…” he pulled her arm back with a hand on her wrist and drew it forward, sinking the yellow one ball into the corner pocket. He stood up, separating their bodies and she let out the breath she’d been holding.

“Where’d you learn to play billiards?” she asked shakily, her legs feeling weak under her.

He shrugged, but answered her question, “I’ve been a bartender for the last year. You learn some things. I’m not really that great either, but it’s a good way to kill time on slow nights.” He looked away and waved at the table, “But, it’s still your turn, so go ahead.”

  
Rey bobbed her head at him and turned back to the table. She tried to remember his tips and managed to crudely recreate the stance with much better success on her own this time. She didn’t get one in, but at least managed to keep the cue ball on the table this time. She looked at him and he gave her a grin. They played back and forth for another ten minutes, and when it looked like she would lose the game, he sunk the cue ball in with the eight ball. “You win, I scratched.”

“I think you did that on purpose,” she said suspiciously, and he merely smiled with a wink that she barely caught. He stood and stretched his long arms above his head.

“Did you want to play another round?” he asked, and she shook her head.

“No, I don’t think billiards is really my game,” she laughed and leaned on the pool cue. “But if you wanted to, we could play something different. But we’ll need more drinks for it.”

He quirked an eyebrow, clearly amused, “Ok, what did you have in mind?”

“Well, I think it’s time we got to know each other,” she replied, brushing past him.

“Rey…” he said cautiously, “We already know each other. Quite well, if you remember.”

She snorted and rolled her eyes, after placing another drink order for both of them. “Yeah, the big stuff, sure. But if we’re going to be friends, I want to know the little stuff, so I can hold it over your head later.” She signaled him to join her back at their booth and he sat down across from her. “So, are you game?”

“Fine, shoot,” he said and waved her in direction.

“Ok, good… _never_ have I _ever…_ ” she started, leaning forward, and he immediately quirked up at the familiar game. They played back and forth, both laughing when the other was required to admit something truly embarrassing.

She found out that he had used a fake ID once when he was a teenager. “My dad probably would have killed me if he found out,” he laughed, and she noticed the lack of tension in his body when he spoke about Han.

He made her admit that she had gone skinny dipping, “But I was very, very drunk last summer!” She exclaimed and he laughed at her crimson cheeks.

Ben had apparently chipped a tooth as a child, and Rey had tried to cut her own bangs once. Neither of them had peed in a pool or gone skiing. Eventually the game devolved into the two of them just asking random questions about each other, both a little past tipsy.

“Ok, so what was your first kiss like?” Rey asked and Ben chuckled as he tried to recall.

“I was fourteen, it was a whole summer camp thing. She had braces and I actually cut my lip on one of her brackets.” He waved at the air and Rey couldn’t help but giggle a bit at the visual. He blushed a bit at her mirth and responded, “Ok, same question.”

She cleared her throat, trying to think back, “I was….sixteen, I believe. It was one of those awful school discos and I wanted to go home so badly. But he was nice. He wouldn’t stop eating cinnamon drops beforehand though, and it made his breath smell, but it was still…nice.” Ben nodded along, Rey thought he was trying to picture her as a teenager kissing some pimply faced boy with bad breath.

Their hands were incredibly close on the table and if Rey reached out, she knew Ben would take it if she offered. But there was a thought nagging at the back of her mind, and she had lost the inhibition to stop it. “So…you’re leaving next week?”

He was caught off guard by the sudden change of topic and the humor left his face. He looked uncomfortable but nodded. “I have…I have a life back there now,” he said. She nodded and hauled herself out of the booth with an effort given her current state. She paid for the drinks they’d consumed, and both walked out of the bar, steps syncing again.

The awkward charged silence was back between them as Ben rode with her on the subway back to her apartment, the air thick with their history. As Ben walked her to her door, Rey turned to him saying, “So. I had a good time tonight and I think…. I think I’d like to kiss you again, but…” she trailed off for a moment to find the words. “I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. You’re leaving soon, and I don’t think anything between us could work out anymore. But…I don’t want to stop spending time with you either.”

“It’s a dilemma,” he said, looking into her eyes in that way that always made her want to stop breathing.

“If we could say that this was just a fling, I might feel better,” she said, nervously toying with the words. “Then when you leave, we can just go back to the way things were. I was serious when I told you ‘no feelings’… Do you think-do you think you could be ok with that?”

“Ok,” he said, his voice husky as he drew closer to her. She looked up at his face and as if drawn by some invisible force she closed the distance between them in another kiss. His lips were soft and gentle on hers this time, and she felt like she could lose herself there. She broke the kiss before it got too far this time and let out a contented sigh. “Same time tomorrow?” he said with a small grin. Rey patted Ben’s cheek, returning his smile, and walked inside.

The next week they spent part of every day together. She would meet him, or he would meet her every chance they got. Rey tried to make sure nothing they did was overly sentimental or romantic, and so they watched movies, walked in the parks, or spent time at the library. Normally Rey didn’t have to find entertainment for them because now that she had opened the door to the physical with Ben again, they seemed to find any opportunity to tangle themselves up again. Rey was vigilant now though and stopped everything if it seemed to be going too far. Ben didn’t seem like he minded, but every now and then Rey would catch him looking at her again out of the corner of her eye. He would play it off if she caught him and then he was back to teasing or joking with her. He still knew how to make her laugh when they weren’t finding new ways to ruin her lipstick, and the positive change in him that she had noticed before only grew more pronounced as they spent more time together.

Things got a little heated in a movie theater that weekend; they were watching some funny film about time travel, but the only thing that Rey could really remember was how the duo in the film kept saying things like “Dude” and “Excellent!” The rest of her time was preoccupied by Ben as he first put his arm around her, then she put a hand on his knee, and by the time the lights in the theatre dimmed, they were locked together again. She let Ben go a little further than strictly kissing that time, and they left the movie giggling and blushing.

Rey felt like she could handle _this;_ the part where you spend all your time with another person, but there is no talk of futures or plans or white picket fences. It was just her and Ben, with no promises spoken by either of them. It felt _easy._ It was the unspoken things in relationships that scared her now, because she had been there once with Ben and it was like looking over the edge of a cliff. He had proven at that time that he wouldn’t have been able to catch her if she tumbled over it with him, but now? She was too scared to contemplate it. If years in the foster system had taught her nothing it was that people didn’t really change, and you could only really rely on yourself. If it hadn’t worked out with Ben before how could it possibly work out now? She tried to keep those thoughts at bay though, and just enjoy his company now. Still, his impending departure loomed over them.

The days passed with a speed she wouldn’t have thought possible and before she knew it, she was meeting with Professor Skywalker again to review the changes she had made to her thesis. She walked into his office with a certain degree of anxiety and sat opposite him. He looked at her over the top of his reading glasses and folded the newspaper that he had been reading.

“Miss Jones, please sit,” he gestured to the sparse furnishings in the temporary office and she sat demurely, crossing her ankles as she waited for his feedback. She could hear the clock ticking loudly in the silence and she almost wondered if he had forgotten her when he spoke up, “I re-read your paper. I found it….” Rey couldn’t help but flinch as she anticipated his words, “dramatically improved.” An audible sigh left her, and she tried to cover it with a small cough.

Professor Skywalker didn’t comment but merely continued, “There are few in this sea of intellectual mediocrity who truly understand the movement of the universe around us. I was surprised when Professor Kanata reached out to me and told me a Computer Science graduate student would be approaching the vast and…complex field. But I must say I’m impressed. That doesn’t happen very often.” Rey didn’t doubt him; Professor Skywalker seemed like someone who was incredibly hard to please in the classroom. She felt nearly giddy under the praise. “If you should need a professional reference, I am happy to oblige.”

“Thank you so much,” she said and vigorously shook the hand he extended. He handed her his contact information in California for her resume and turned to leave, feeling much lighter than she had since their first encounter. She stopped at the door though, thinking of something.

Her pause made Luke Skywalker look at her and she heard from behind her, “Something else you wished to discuss?”

  
Now that the moment was here, she found herself hesitating. She turned to look back and started, “Professor Skywalker….Ben….is he-is he happy…out there?”

Luke contemplated her for a moment and started just as slowly, “Usually I would prefer to leave all personal matters out of our professional relationship, but in this instance….Yes, I think my nephew is happy in California.” Rey nodded and left the office quietly.

She whooped in surprise as a pair of arms picked her up and whirled her around. Ben set her down and she looked at him with an exasperated smile. “Ben, what are you doing here?”

He shrugged with a grin and said, “Uncle Luke said he was reviewing your paper today, and I wanted to surprise you. I’m invested. So, how’d it go?” Ben looked at her expectantly and she couldn’t disappoint him.

“He said he was….very impressed,” Rey gushed, caught up in the excitement. Ben leaned in and gave her an impulsive hug, and somewhere in the embrace she felt Luke’s words in the pit of her stomach. He was happy back in California, and she was the only thing that seemed to tether him here. He seemed so much freer these days than how she remembered him. He sensed her tension and let her down.

“We should celebrate,” he said suddenly, “We could go out to dinner tonight, what do you think?”

“Ben…” Rey started, clearly uncomfortable. “You-you leave tomorrow. I don’t think that’s such a good idea…”

His mouth set in a grim line as he remembered his departure the next day. “Okay, what about we just watch trash tv in my hotel room and eat way too much Chinese takeout,” he said, offering her a different plan. She wanted to say no, but it _seemed_ less like a date than his previous idea and he was looking at her with those big brown eyes again.

“O-okay,” she relented, and he smiled at her in a way that made his whole face light up. God, she was going to miss that.

She met him at his hotel later and true to his word he had picked up everything he could remember her liking from their favorite Chinese restaurant. They sat together on the bed, enjoying the feast and watched Jeopardy together. She could almost think it was like old times again as they answered the questions about Shakespearean Characters, Anatomy and Presidential Trivia as best as they could. She leaned into Ben as they waded through episodes of “The Cosby Show” and “A Different World”.  
  
She spoke up as they started to watch “Cheers” at nine, saying “You know, maybe I should head out. Honestly, this show hasn’t really been the same since Diane left.”

“Yeah, I think she really carried it,” Ben said, “I can’t believe that she just left like that. I always thought Sam and her would end up together.”

“Yeah, well,” Rey started, suddenly finding herself defensive. “Maybe they just weren’t meant to be. They went around and round, season after season, but sometimes things just don’t work out.”

“Rey…” Ben started, turning off the TV, “This isn’t about the show anymore, is it?”

She looked at the ground, her face growing red, “Yes, no, I don’t know!” Tears started to well in her eyes, and Ben wiped at them with his thumb, offering soft shushing noises.

“Rey, I think… I think we need to talk,” he said and stroked her hair from her face. She looked at him and he took a deep breath. “I think you know that I still have feelings for you. Really deep feelings. I never stopped. This isn’t- wasn’t ever a _fling_ for me. Maybe that wasn’t fair to you, but I can’t change how I feel. These last few weeks have honestly been some of the best of my life, and I hoped…that maybe you felt the same way. It seems like you do sometimes, and then other times I can’t tell.” Her heart hammered as he confessed what she already knew. “I know that I’m going back to California tomorrow; there isn’t anything left here in New York for me, except for you. I-I wanted to ask you if you’d consider coming back with me. I know you’re finishing school, but I’m patient. I can wait for you to graduate, but I don’t want to leave here without at least asking you to consider coming out when you’re done.” He finished and looked at her expectantly, waiting for her answer.

It was true that the thought had occurred to her, but she had so many things that still tied her to this place. She had her friends, her entire life that she had built after leaving England, and to move so far away from all of that when they had already broken up once before seemed…terrifying. She looked at Ben and he made it sound like it would be so easy, but he was always the dreamer. It would be hard, hard work and she didn’t know if she could transplant her entire life for a second time on the hope that everything would work out between them.

She was silent for a long time until Ben broke the tension, “Rey, please say _something_. I’m sort of baring my soul over here.” He tried to say it as a joke, but she could sense the anxiety coursing through him.

“Ben, I-“ she started, but couldn’t find the words. Instead, she moved into his space slowly, but deliberately and took his face in her hands. She could see his heart breaking as he found the answer in her eyes but let her kiss him anyway. She placed tender lips on his and started to unbutton his shirt. He held onto her and anytime he tried to accelerate their lovemaking she paused until he stopped. She stroked his face, his hair, his chest knowing in her heart that this would be the last time she could do so and trying to savor the feel of his skin. Rey let him slowly, so slowly undress her and she did the same for him. That night she didn’t think of tomorrow, she only thought of him. She lost herself in his touch and his smell that was so uniquely him. Ben’s weight was comforting and familiar as they moved in sync with each other. When he reached his peak, she held him in her arms and tried not to let the wave of sadness consume her. He held her tightly as if in doing so he could keep her from leaving again and fell asleep against her.

This time she wouldn’t let him see her leave. She couldn’t do that to him again, though leave she must. She waited until he was so deep in slumber that he wasn’t roused by her movement and slipped out of his arms. She sat in the moonlight streaming through the small window with a pencil and the hotel stationery in front of her. It took her some time to put her thoughts onto paper and she hoped that it would be _enough_. It didn’t take her long to put her clothing back on, but she lingered on each item wishing it could be different. Finally, when she realized that she could dawdle no longer she walked over to him, leaving the folded note where he would find it in the morning, and looked at his face. He looked serene in his dreaming and she wished she could watch him all night. She had to send him back, but she couldn’t bring herself to go with him. She tried to comfort herself with the fact that he would be happy there as he had been before they had tangled themselves back up in whatever this mess was, and she could be…okay. She didn’t know if she’d truly be whole without him, but she couldn’t ask him to stay here and abandon everything he had worked for in the warm sunny places he now lived. She reached out and touched him, brushing a dark lock out of his face and planted a kiss on his roughened cheek before walking out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, we are now in endgame position. Sorry for the pain train, but I do promise that this story has a happy ending, which I hope will be worth it all.


	26. With or Without You

_San Francisco, CA, Late March 1989_

“My dad called me yesterday,” Ben started his tale in front of the group. He had the rapt attention of everyone in the room, some of whom he would call his friends at this point. He fidgeted with the one-year sobriety chip that he had received from Lor after coming back a month ago, twirling it between his fingers. “I didn’t know if I wanted to talk to him at first, but it seemed like the right thing to do.”

He tried to come up with the words as he remembered the odd experience. Luke had picked up the phone and it had been Han on the other end. Not Leia pressuring him to take the call, just Han. Ben had just gotten home from work, so it must be nearly nine at night on the East Coast. He had sat in the living room, trying hard to hear as Luke listened to Han for a minute, nodding at intervals.

“Let me see if he’s home,” Luke said then, even though Ben was seated less than ten feet from him. The old man covered the receiver and mouthed “It’s your father.” Ben looked at the telephone, and to Luke who he knew would lie for him if he asked. He contemplated answering for a moment, but after he had confronted Han he had decided that even if he was afraid, he would never hide again.

He reached out for the phone receiver and Luke handed it to him, retreating to his small cluttered office to give Ben space. Luke was good about knowing those sorts of things, and it was one of the things he liked most about living with his uncle.

“Hello?” he said tentatively and listened for a response.

“Ben?” the familiar baritone came through, “It’s your dad. I just wanted to call and…talk.” It was the first time that he remembered hearing his father sound nervous. If he listened hard enough, he could hear how his father spoke a little too quickly like he did. His father asked him about his new job and Ben answered, telling him how Lando was already impressed with his work and how they were looking to broker some deals in the next few months. Han listened attentively, asking a question here or there, but letting Ben talk most of the time. It was…different.

Ben heard something in the background of the phone call like a door opening and Han interjected, “Oh, your mother’s just got home with the groceries. I should let you go.”

“Ok, dad,” Ben said, and he began to move to hang up the phone, until he heard his name on the other end.

“Ben….I’m- I’m proud of you, son.” The words were soft and hesitant, and Ben felt flustered suddenly.

“Uh, thanks,” Ben replied, not quite sure how to react.

“Well, I’d better be going. I’ll- I’ll give you a call next week?”

The question hung in the air for a moment but finally Ben answered, “Sure, sure. Talk to you later, dad.”

“Bye, son.” And the pair hung up, Ben setting down the phone on its cradle again, at a loss for words.

At Ben’s meeting, his groupmates clapped him on the back as he concluded. “I think, it’s a start.”

Lor looked at him approvingly and he felt like maybe his life was starting to click into place. He waited patiently as the floor was passed around the circle, a few newcomers among them with the same strung out look that he had once possessed. As the meeting concluded, Lor caught him as he was putting his leather jacket on.

“Ben, I wondered if I might have a word,” the older man said and Ben nodded at him, pausing in his preparations to leave. They stepped aside from the general mingling that happened at the end of each meeting.

“What did you want to talk about?” Ben asked, as Lor gathered his thoughts.

“Well, you may have noticed that our group is growing. I’ve been very impressed with your journey and the work you’ve put in here with us. With the number of new members we have, our current resources are becoming rather limited. You have a year’s sobriety under your belt, and I wanted to ask if you would consider becoming a sponsor for some of our newest participants.” Lor finished, putting a gentle hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“Lor, I don’t know what to say,” Ben started, “I mean, I feel like I’m still just getting my feet under me some days.”

“You’ve come a very long way, Ben. I wouldn’t sell your accomplishments short,” Lor said and Ben felt the pride in his voice.

“Well…I guess, I’d have to say I’m honored,” Ben replied, extending his hand. Lor took it and shook it firmly, pulling Ben into short hug afterwards.

“Excellent, we can talk about the details later, but we’re happy to have you here with us,” Lor replied and let Ben get back to his departure. He walked out slightly dazed to see Kay waiting for him in her blue VW bug. She honked lightly and he waved to acknowledge her. Luke had asked her if she could pick him up from his meeting since he was busy grading midterm papers. His TA’s had sorely missed him after his three-week absence. 

As he got into the car, he told her about Lor’s request, and she lit up with a grin. “Ben, that’s great!”

“Yeah,” he said, running his hand through his hair and leaning back in the seat. Kay looked over at him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“What’s the look?” she said with a knowing tone.

“What look?” he said, crossing his arms like a small child might. “This is how I always look.”

  
She laughed at this and said, “That mopey look. You’ve had it for the last month, ever since…well... You’re brooding again. You do that sometimes, you know that?”

He shot her a glare, and seeing that he had no other option he started, “I don’t know, I just- When I thought about where I’d be at thirty-“

  
“You’re not thirty yet,” Kay reminded him, “You still have at least two more months before you can claim to be older and wiser than me.”

“I was _saying,_ when I pictured myself at thirty, I thought I’d be married, have kids, the whole house in the suburbs thing, but here I am,” he said and leaned his head back. “I live with my weird uncle, I’m a cocaine addict and the one girl who I wanted to marry won’t talk to me.”

“I think you’re being a bit dramatic,” Kay said, “You live with your _genius_ uncle, you have a job that you’re practically perfect for, you just got asked to help other people recover from addiction because you’ve basically turned your entire life around. And that girl, well, she’s wrong about you, just like Matt was wrong about me. Maybe she’ll see that someday, maybe not, but either way you’re doing great, Ben.”

“Thanks,” he said, and his thoughts drifted back to Rey for a moment.

On the long drive home from New York, Luke hadn’t asked him about Rey, and Ben hadn’t felt like sharing at first. He had known she would run again, of course. He thought bitterly that he had been through this enough times now to know when she was telling him goodbye. It had been no surprise to him when he woke up and his bed was empty again, but at least this time she had left him a note. In it she had detailed that she was sorry for her part in whatever it was that they had shared during his short stay in New York. That it wasn’t right to participate when she couldn’t deliver on the unspoken promises it had meant to him. She had told him that she didn’t want to hurt him anymore and that it was better for him to go back to California, where he was “happy”. Finally, she had said that he had been right, and she still had feelings too, but that she didn’t know if she could be everything that he wanted her to be for him. Small consolation, he thought, given that all he really wanted was to spend every waking moment in her presence.

He had read and reread the note about a hundred times by that point. He’d gone through being angry, with her and with himself, to being sad and now as long as he didn’t think about it too hard, he could maintain a certain level of neutrality. What once would have broken him, consuming him in grief, now felt like a wound that was surrounded by hardened scar tissue. He still missed her, and he didn’t think that would stop, but now there were ties that Kay had reminded him of and they kept him grounded in ways that he hadn’t had before. He had his group, which when he finally embraced the vulnerability that came with admitting to his problems he actually enjoyed, he had a friend in Kay, he had his uncle who though unorthodox was like a surrogate father, and he had his new job with Lando which resembled his old career in the same way that a house cat resembles a lion. He didn’t feel as if he was balancing on the edge of a knife any longer, but he still felt her loss in every part of his daily routine. He was building a life out here, sure, but it was a life built around the hole she had left.

He looked out the window as they climbed and descended the steep hills of the Golden City. Kay pulled up outside of his uncle’s teal home and patted him on the shoulder, “It gets better, I promise.” She looked at him sympathetically and he gave her a smile before getting out of the car.

He walked in to the house and sat around thinking to himself about where he was and what _forward_ even looked like until he heard the opening and closing of the door that signaled his uncle’s arrival home. Luke walked in and spotted Ben sitting alone in the living room and settled into the chair beside him.

“Uncle Luke?” Ben started and Luke looked at him over the glasses he hadn’t yet removed. “I want-I think it’s time for me to find my own place.” Luke nodded and contemplated Ben for a few long moments.

“While I’d like nothing more than for my favorite nephew to continue depleting my entire water heater each morning for his showers, I think that you’re probably onto something,” Luke mused. “You’re welcome to remain here in the meantime, however, and I’m sure my utility companies will thank you.”

Ben, knowing his uncle as he did at this point, took it as encouragement. He didn’t know what the grand expanse of his future would look like at this point and it certainly wasn’t what he had expected, but this seemed like a solid step. He spent the next few days patrolling the Bay area on the Falcon, looking at places where maybe he could start to live on his own again. He called on a few, and when they gave him the tour, he couldn’t help but think to himself “Rey wouldn’t like the view” or “These cabinets would be too tall for her to reach things” and had to mentally shake himself until the thoughts passed. The hours dragged by that week, but the days were swift as he went about his routine in this manner. He would wake up, go to work, make a few calls during his lunch and return home. The days were only punctuated by his meetings and a few evenings with Kay. Even she was busy these days though, as she was preparing for a group gallery showing.

The routine was something had been able to count on, a steady rhythm in his life, but it was after one particularly long day at work that he came home, and something was…different. He couldn’t really tell why, until he heard a soft female voice speaking with his uncle. He strained to hear the conversation, but his entrance had already been noted and the talking ceased. He felt he had no other choice but to make his appearance known and padded into the living room. And that’s where he saw her, looking at him with her big hazel eyes from the seat of that worn out leather couch.

“H-hello, Ben,” Rey said then, barely audible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave this one on a cliffhanger, but the next chapter will be from Rey's perspective and then two more chapters to finish this story out. I'm trying to take my time on these last chapters rather than rushing it out, so I've slowed to every other day updates. But I have a good handle on where I want this to go now I think.


	27. Listen to Your Heart

_NYC, Late March 1989_

“Rey, earth to Rey,” Rose’s voice said, shaking her out of her reverie. She blinked and looked at her friend who was decked out in a beautiful white dress with puffy sleeves. “So….what do you think?”

“Oh, Rose, you look beautiful,” Rey said, embracing Rose on the showroom pedestal. “Are you sure you can’t wear this for the whole ceremony?”

“Nah, I could barely talk my mom into letting me wear it afterwards. She’s convinced I’m going to doom my marriage, but I just want a white wedding,” Rose said. “At least the Ao Dai is pretty enough.” She was of course talking about the red dress with golden embroidery that her mother had brought from Vietnam in the early sixties when she had married a Chinese-American soldier. The union had resulted in the two Tico girls, Paige and Rose, who were anything but traditional in the eyes of their mother. But Rose was a dutiful daughter and had conceded to wear it for at least the first half of the wedding for her parents’ sake.

“Are you okay? You seem a bit…distracted,” Rose asked her, and Rey slumped in one of the showroom seats.

Rey’s thoughts kept drifting back to the previous week. She had taken a pregnancy test out of precaution more than real worry. She had never been very good at tracking her own cycles and they were irregular enough that it had gnawed in the pit of her stomach. Especially after her final tryst with Ben. She felt a huge wave of relief when it came back completely negative. At least at first. What had followed was a sudden bout of sobbing at the single lonely line.

  
But this had been what she wanted, wasn’t it? She didn’t want to be tangled up with Ben anymore and had told him so on numerous occasions, hadn’t she? But now that it was staring her so blatantly in the face, she couldn’t help but be disappointed. There would be no white picket fence, no happy family, no fairy tale ending. She had made damn sure of that. And now? She was alone again, just like she had been for her entire life, but what had once been familiar territory was now a cold wasteland. She had for a time been with someone who understood the loneliest parts of herself and had made her feel like she didn’t have to do it by herself any longer. He hadn’t been ready the first time, too caught up in own issues to really love her, but she could no longer deny the change in him that time and effort had made. When it had been her turn to take the plunge, when he had been so ready to face eternity with her, she had let fear get the better of her too.

She hadn’t told her friends about her few weeks with Ben. She had merely brushed off her frequent absence as “studying” and she was often gone for such long periods during her schooling that they hadn’t questioned it. Afterwards she had had to steel herself with fake smiles so she could keep up the pretense, but as the weeks passed by her it became harder and harder. So, it should have come as no surprise that Rose, her most perceptive of friends, had picked up the signs that she was in emotional freefall.

The seamstress unlaced Rose from the dress and she got changed back into her regular clothes while Rey waited patiently. Rose rejoined her friend and said, “I’m starving, do you want to go get pizza?”

“Sure,” Rey responded, and the pair walked together to a nearby restaurant with thin crust slices that Rose assured Rey were bigger than her head. They sat, ordered a couple of slices, and Rey picked at her piece until Rose stopped to look at her.

“Ok. Spill,” she said, quirking an eyebrow at her. “What’s got you so down?”

“No, it’s nothing, we’re here for you,” Rey said, trying to brush off the inquiry.

“Rey, how much cake did I make you shove in your face last month? How many appointments with florists, venues, and dress shopping did I drag you along to? Would it kill you to let someone take care of you for once?” Rose said seriously and Rey looked at the table to avoid her eyes. “Now. Spill.”

Rey took a deep breath before launching into the tale, and Rose went from surprise to shock to a blank expression that Rey couldn’t determine during the course of the telling.

“And now, he’s gone, and there’s nothing I can do about it,” Rey said miserably.

“Rey….can I say something?” Rose started and Rey looked at her, waiting for her to speak. “I think you know you’re our smart friend, but like, you can honestly be a real airhead sometimes.” Rey’s eyes widened at the accusation.

“No, seriously, you have the love of your life, _and don’t deny it,_ ” Rose shook a finger to keep Rey silent, “tell you he loves you and wants to skip off into the sunset together and you got scared and ran away.”

“Well…there was just too much- we could never-“ Rey started, trying to find the words but falling flat.

“Look, you’re clearly still into him in a big way. It sounds like he’s…. better. But really, you need to stop being so afraid to let people in. I’m not saying you have to throw yourself into the arms of the first guy that comes along, but you have to be willing to put yourself out there. Otherwise, you’re going to spend your entire life alone and miserable about it.” Rose said and Rey felt thoroughly chastised.

“But what if-what if it all fails?” Rey said softly, feeling like she was on the verge of tears. “What if I go out there and we still end up back here?”

Rose exhaled through her nose, clearly losing patience, “But what if it doesn’t? What if you’re so busy making up reasons that you shouldn’t go that you’re missing the huge one right in your face telling you that this is it? And if it does fail, do you honestly think you’ll be alone? We’re your family, Rey, I thought you’d figured that out by now.” This did make Rey start to cry and Rose hugged her to her.

“I really messed this up, Rose,” Rey said, burying herself in her friend’s shirt. “I don’t know if I can fix it now.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something. You’re our resident genius,” Rose said, and a thought struck Rey suddenly.

“I think-I think I have an idea,” Rey said and got up. “It’s not much, but it’ll get me out to California, at least.” They paid the check as fast as they could, and Rey was rushing back home. When she got there, she began to rifle through the papers strewn around her cramped room until she found the little business card with the colorful apple. She had a a small pile of contacts from the job fairs and she dialed them each in turn. A few were dead ends, a few told her they didn’t have openings, but a few were delighted to hear from a master’s candidate looking to relocate to the Golden State.

“Yes, I would love to. Wednesday? Perfect!” she chattered to the human resources official on the other end of the phone. She had some interviews, and a few promising leads. It was the work of a day to talk with Maz and ask for a leave of absence to seek employment. Most of the second-year students had taken them already, but Rey hadn’t considered leaving New York until now so it had never seemed necessary. Besides, her thesis was officially turned in, all seven xeroxed copies in individual neatly addressed golden envelopes. With only a month to go before the review most of the graduating class was busy with preparation for their defense in front of the board and the actual workload seemed…lighter in the last part of the semester. Maz was exceptionally pleased to hear that she was searching in Silicon Valley and granted the leave with no qualms, saying she would have words with Enric Pryde if he wanted to argue with her. Rey could have hugged Maz and before she knew it, she was packing her suitcase, pulling items from her closet with gusto.

It was as she pulled a particularly dusty pair of professional shoes from the top shelf that she caught a small box and dragged it forward, nearly sending it careening to the floor. She pulled the shoebox down and opened it, knowing already what was inside. She sifted through her treasures, the ones she had been unable to bring herself to throw away and saw memories of Ben. The tickets from every movie they’d seen together or at least attempted to see together, the button he had bought her at the Bon Jovi concert before she had given herself completely to him, some shells from their time in Montauk that she had picked up absently after arguing with him, a few more assorted sundries, and there at the bottom the roll of photographs that mirrored his own set. She took the entire box and tucked it into her suitcase, not sure why exactly she was doing it, but it seemed _important_ somehow.

She withdrew a large chunk of her savings to purchase the $110 round trip bus ticket and thought with anxiety about how much a hotel room might cost when she got there. Zorii and Rose both saw her off and hugged her goodbye as she stepped on the Greyhound bus in Union Station that Friday.

“Like, are you sure you need to go on this majorly grody bus?” Zorii said, for once her confident demeanor broken by worry. “We’re gonna…we’re gonna miss you and stuff.”

“Like take a chill pill,” Rey said, dropping her accent and imitating Zorii’s affectation for a moment and her friend shoved her with a small smile. “I’ll be back in a couple of weeks. This is something I have to do, I think.”

“Well, go get him,” Rose said, and Rey waved to them as before finding her seat. The big bus pulled out with a shake and a hiss and Rey settled back for the journey. She had a total of five transfers on the bus as it traveled from New York City to Pittsburgh, Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Denver and Reno, and it would take the better part of three days to get there. If all went to plan she should arrive sometime on Monday.

The first leg went well, even if she did have to wait for a couple of hours at the Pittsburgh station. Chicago was easy as well, but the hours seemed to drag by painfully slow as they crossed the flat plains of the Midwest. Rey alternated between reading the book she had brought with her and trying to sleep in the cramped space of the bus. She met a mother going to North Dakota to visit family who asked for her assistance holding her newborn while she struggled with a screaming toddler. For a time, she was seated next to a man going to Vegas to “make it big”. All the while her thoughts would drift lazily to Ben and fear clenched at her stomach as she hoped, prayed that he would hear her out and be willing to accept her back in his life. This entire trip was a gamble, but she hoped it would convince him that she was serious about him now.

She reached Reno, Nevada and the bus dropped down with a hiss. As she got off, she could tell that something was wrong. As she picked up her bag and moved over to the area where she was supposed to transfer buses, Rey noticed a crowd of people all grumbling as a bus terminal worker attempted to calm the crowd.

“What do you mean three days?” a woman from the crowd uttered.

“People, please,” the stressed worker said loudly, “I know that this isn’t ideal, but all of our current buses are on other routes. It will take us some time to pull one of our remaining resources to the Reno station to continue with all California routes. In the meantime, I can offer travel vouchers to all affected.”

Rey caught enough of the conversation to realize she was stranded and swore under her breath. Was this the universe’s punishment for her foolishness? To be stuck a mere three hours away from her destination in Reno fucking Nevada when she was so close after she had been trapped on a bus with no shower for the past three days.

She toyed with the idea of calling Ben but wavered in her resolve. She wasn’t sure if he would even want to see her at all, let alone come save her from a bus station a state away. No, she decided, she wasn’t going to sit and wait for the next bus to come and picked up her suitcase deftly, striding with purpose out of the door of the bus station. She attempted to orient herself in the heat and saw the highway in the midmorning haze. She was sweating before she got to the highway and figured she must look like a right ragamuffin at this point. Not exactly the beautiful tear-filled reunion she had imagined. As she got to the side of the blistering highway, she set her suitcase down and did what she had only seen in movies up to this point; she stuck out her thumb and hoped for the best.

Several cars passed by, a few honked at her in the heat, but she didn’t have any luck for at least an hour. Finally, a large semi-truck pulled over to the side of the highway and cranked his window down.

“Where ya headed?” the gruff man asked from his high perch.

“San Francisco?” Rey said hesitantly and he nodded, pointing his head towards his passenger seat.

“I can take you as far as Sacramento, hop in.” She breathed a sigh of relief as she entered the air-conditioned cab, wishing now that she had packed water. The pair made the hour-long journey to Sacramento, and from there Rey found a car full of people who were willing to take her as far as Oakland. She asked how far that was from San Francisco and was delighted to hear that it was only twelve miles from the city proper. She could take a cab that far if she had to. She shuddered, however, as she reached downtown Oakland and hailed a taxi as quickly as possible. She gave the taxi driver the address that Luke had given to her and sat back in her seat, ready for the travel to be over with. As they crossed the Oakland Bay Bridge, she looked at the beautiful waters of the San Francisco Bay, In the distance she could faintly see the red brown color of the famous bridge that she had only really seen on her television screen. She hummed along to the theme music of the sitcom to herself, trying to remember the words. Was it “everywhere you look? Everywhere you go?”.

By the time they neared their destination Rey could only imagine that it was nearly evening, but she hadn’t been able to keep up with the time changes and her watch was still counting somewhere between St. Louis and Reno. As the car pulled to a curt stop outside of the teal house, she took a breath and wanted to scream at the numbers on the fare. Normally she could go anywhere in New York with one swipe of her subway card, and cab travel was a luxury she normally didn’t afford herself. It was slightly painful to part with the money, but with a reluctance she handed the wadded bills over to the man and wondered for a final time if she was doing the right thing. What right did she have to barge back into his life like this after the way that she had ended things not once, but twice? It was too late now though as she ascended the steep set of stairs and with a deep breath knocked hard, twice.

She thought for a moment that no one was home and contemplated coming back after she had a chance to find a hotel and take a shower, when the door swung open. She wasn’t face to face with Ben, but rather with his uncle, Luke Skywalker. She stood to her fullest height proudly, despite the road dust she had accumulated during her sweaty hitchhiking.

He looked at her for a moment and she thought he would speak, but all he really did was say “Hmm,” shrug his shoulders and turn back into his house, leaving the door open behind him. Rey stood speechless for a moment, not sure whether it was an invitation or a dismissal.

“Professor Skywalker?” she asked, standing there uncomfortably on his landing.

“Are you coming in or not?” Luke’s brusque tone sounded from inside the house and she quickly scampered into the house, trying not to run her suitcase into anything in the overcrowded hallway. She hadn’t been sure what she had pictured when she thought about how Ben had been living in California, but this cluttered existence hadn’t been in her imagination.

Luke gestured for her to sit down in the cramped living room and she sunk down on the couch as it sagged down around her. He left her there for a minute as he went to rummage in his kitchen, returning with a glass bottled Coca Cola which he had already opened. She took it from him gratefully when he offered and drank it greedily. She hadn’t realized quite how parched she had been from the heat and the travel.

Luke sipped his own and observed her silently before saying, “Miss Jones, I could ask why you have suddenly appeared on my doorstep looking worse than I did after a run-in with the Grateful Dead in ’67, but I feel as if that would be a waste of both of our time.”

“Professor Skywalker?” Rey started, not sure how to proceed. The man was incredibly hard to read, and she hadn’t exactly expected to spend any length of time around him. Now she found herself fidgeting, unable to hold his gaze.

“If you’re looking for my dear nephew, unfortunately as you may have already surmised, he is not home currently,” he continued, “and if you presume me to be a rather intelligent man, you can conclude that I have already guessed your purpose in coming here in this particular…fashion.

“So, let me get straight to the point. As much as it may surprise you, I am not exactly an expert on “love” or “feelings”, and I told his mother that I didn’t have much experience with being a “parent” either when she asked me to look after him, yet here we are. My nephew is a bit… sensitive… so as amusing as he becomes around you, I might find it rather unfortunate should your visit have less than honorable intentions.” He looked down his nose at her and she squirmed under his unflinching scrutiny.

“I-I…” Rey started and felt the full weight of Luke’s words, knowing that she had earned them. “I didn’t come here to hurt him, and I hoped- I thought that maybe-” she was at loss for words then, but Luke held up his hand to stop her.

“Good, then we have an accord, and I welcome you into my home,” he said, and she realized that he had read her like a book. “Now, may I ask what has occasioned…. this?” He gestured to her bedraggled appearance and she let out a nervous laugh. She hadn’t seen herself in a mirror but imagined that she really must look a mess.

“Well, I was originally on a bus-” she started, but then heard a door open and close from the front of the house. This cut off her midsentence as she immediately realized what the sound meant. She whipped her head around Ben walked cautiously into the room. His brown eyes were drawn to hers and she felt her heart skip a beat as her breath hitched in her throat. He looked shocked to see her there.

“H-hello, Ben,” she said as smoothly as she could muster and anxiously waited for his response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two chapters left and then this story will be all done. I'm really excited to write out this ending, so stay tuned.


	28. We Belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a long chapter in comparison to the others, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

_San Francisco, CA, Late March 1989_

“Rey, what are you doing here?” was the first thing that came out of Ben’s mouth, and he now took in her appearance. She was dressed in a shirt he recognized, even though it clung to her now with sweat and was covered in a dusty layer of grime, and a pair of tight rolled jeans that couldn’t be comfortable in this heat. Her hair hung limply around her face and there were dark circles under her eyes.

Rey stuttered and looked like a trapped animal, but before she could answer Luke spoke up, “Ah, nephew. As you can see, I have a guest; please pull out the nice plates as she will be joining us for dinner.” He looked between Rey and his uncle, confusion welling up inside of him and something else like irritation at the entire situation. Why was she here in his home now? Hadn’t she written in her letter that they wouldn’t see each other again? And now his uncle had invited her to dinner?

He grudgingly got out the plates that his uncle reserved for when his students or colleagues joined them for dinner and made the table, setting the plates down rather more forcefully than he initially meant to. It was his turn to make dinner for the pair of them and so he set about chopping the onions he had set out that morning quickly, trying to keep his anger in check so he didn’t lose a finger in the process. He could hear the pair making small talk out in the living room and tried to drown it out by making as much noise as possible in the kitchen. Eventually he had a passable rice dish of some kind to serve and made his way back to the area that doubled as living and dining rooms. He sat down at the table, putting the pot of food with a serving spoon shoved inside into it in the center and waited as his uncle looked at his preparations.

“Oh, good,” Luke said, looking at the mystery dish, “Nephew, you know I do love surprises.” The old man settled next to Ben and started to scoop the food onto his plate. Rey looked at her options at the small square table and Ben could see the dilemma. She either had to sit next to him or sit across from him. Neither seemed like good options, and he saw her finally decide to keep Luke as a buffer between them for what that was worth.

Luke looked from one to the other and said while gesturing to the food, “Please, don’t wait on my account.”

It was like a battle of wills as the two stared at one another, trying to figure out who should reach into the center of the table first. Each stuck out their own hand at the same time, nearly colliding in the center and Ben retracted his hand quickly. “Guests first,” he said, poorly concealing his emotions.

He could see the blush creep across her face as she replied, “T-thank you.” She hesitantly placed a small portion on her plate in a way that was slightly out of character for Rey. Ben piled rice onto his plate and heatedly ate while Rey pushed the food around on her own.

“Well, this is nice,” Luke said, and Ben could feel the smirk under his uncle’s tone. “It’s so good to have company, wouldn’t you agree, Ben?” He shot Luke a dirty look, trying not to be provoked. The tense silence lasted for some ten long minutes before Luke interjected conversation, “So, Rey, what brings you all the way to California?”

Rey nearly choked on the small bite of food that she was attempting, but managed to get out, “I’m-I’m looking for jobs. In San Jose.” Ben looked at her and she quailed slightly under his observation.

“Excellent. And how did you come to join us today?” Luke continued the line of questioning as Rey became increasingly uncomfortable.

She looked at her plate as she replied, “I took…the bus.”

“I wasn’t aware that the bus was such a…messy…method of travel.”

“Erm, well my transfer broke down in Reno so I…I hitchhiked the rest of the way….” Rey said quietly, not bringing her eyes upwards.

“You what?” Ben said suddenly, his volume not quite a shout but bordering on it. He set his cutlery down with force on the table at the admission, and Rey started.

“Well, I took a cab after I got to Oakland,” she started defensively, and his eyes widened further before narrowing to practically slits. He stood up then, no longer trying to remain calm, and roughly grabbed her hand. He yanked her from the table and walked out the back door of the house onto the landing before rounding on her.

“What the _fuck_ is going on, Rey,” he asked her, trying not to shout but finding it increasingly difficult. “You’re hitchhiking now? Are you trying to get yourself killed or something?”

She started to puff up with equal anger at him, before starting, “I don’t need your permission, Ben. I managed to get all the way here on my own. I’m just fine.”

“Clearly, but you seemed to have left all of your common sense in New York,” he expostulated. “In case you don’t read the news, people _die_ while hitchhiking alone. _Women_ die while hitchhiking alone.”

“Well, that’s just sexist; you came here on your bike by yourself,” she retorted. “I honestly don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”

He felt the pressure building inside of him at how absolutely insufferable she was being. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to practice breathing out slowly to calm himself. “You know what, nevermind, I don’t care. Shouldn’t you be leaving again?” He heard a sharp inhale of breath as he said the hurtful words, and there was slight pang of regret in his stomach. “I would offer to drive you to your hotel, but since you seem to have a death wish, I won’t bother.”

“Erm- I actually don’t…. have a hotel…yet,” she said hesitantly, and he opened his eyes to look at her again, not believing what he was hearing. “I sort of came straight here.”

“Jesus Christ, Rey,” he said, at a loss for any other words as he shook his head in his hand. He sighed heavily and walked back into the house, going to the small linen closet and pulling out the hodgepodge of assorted extra bedding that had been stuffed inside.

“Uncle Luke, Rey is staying with us tonight,” he said with finality and his uncle looked absolutely delighted in that dry way of his.

“No, Ben, you don’t have to- I’m sure I can find-” Rey started but Ben interrupted her.

“Yes, I do. And, no you won’t. Not tonight at least. Tomorrow you can-you can go again or whatever, but tonight you’re staying here so at least I know you won’t be mugged and left for dead,” he said, putting the bedding down in a pile on the couch. Ben took another look at her and went off again, coming back with a towel that he tossed to her. “The shower’s down that hall, you can clean off if you want.”

Then he turned on his heel and left her there standing in the living room. He paced in his room even as he heard the water turn on, run for a time, and then turn back off. There were so many things he wanted to ask her, but he couldn’t quite form the words in the haze of irritation and worry in his stomach. To distract himself he began to shuffle through the piles of photos that he had littered around his room. Kay liked to tease him about the total lack of organization, but he couldn’t help the need to capture a moment even if he wasn’t sure what to do with that moment after he had done so. The rest of his room, he comforted himself, was tidy at least. As Ben sorted through the piles of memories, he didn’t hear Rey enter his room until she was standing behind him. A light tap on his shoulder made him jump, sending a cascade of photographs spilling to the ground. He looked down at the mess and looked at Rey who seemed mortified to have caused it. They quickly bent down at the same time and promptly collided heads in the process. He let out a frustrated groan and cursed quite loudly at the pain in his forehead and looked at Rey through narrowed eyes. She was massaging her own forehead with one hand and attempting to gather up the polaroid photos in the other.

“I’m sorry,” she kept repeating and she had her head turned down to avoid looking at him. He could almost hear her sniffling. He stilled her hand with his own on her wrist and noticed that she was wearing an overly large white t-shirt. He softened at the sight of her in the shirt he’d given her in New York.

“Rey, stop. It’s-it’s fine. Really, _stop_ ,” he swatted her hand away and began to gather the pile back together neatly. “It was an accident.”

She tried to inconspicuously wipe at her face, but when she quickly glanced up and noticed him watching her, she said, “The bump, it made my eyes water.” He didn’t offer a comment, simply hummed under his breath and then there was silence between them. Rey stood up and lingered awkwardly before letting out a yawn.

“Um, I think-I think I’ll go to sleep now,” she said, patting her sides nervously. “I think I’m still a bit jetlagged.” He nodded at her and she flitted out of the room leaving him wondering what exactly was going on. He made a note to get more answers from her in the morning, but tonight he would allow himself to calm down a bit.

He lay awake in his bed that night, wondering if Rey had always been this infuriating or if he just had been too blind with love for her to notice. He pondered resentfully what right she had to be here, where he lived, sleeping on the couch in his uncle’s living room. And why she would wear the shirt he had given her after…well after a rather enjoyable night, but still. Wasn’t it enough that she had broken his heart on three separate occasions? Now she had to be here, make a mess of his room, with her hair wet around her shoulders, dampening the cotton fabric as it crested over the curve of her…No. That was enough of that, and he shook the thought away roughly. He thought more about how completely irresponsible it was for her to have come here on a bus of all things, and then to hitchhike from Nevada as if she wasn’t a petite woman in a world full of people who preyed on girls just like her. He clenched his teeth at the stupidity, wondering why she hadn’t called him. Clearly Luke had given her their address, and likely their phone number as well. He could have come to pick her up if she was in such dire straits to be in the city. More thoughts occurred to him as he angrily tossed and turned, but the one thought he wouldn’t let take hold was the most obvious one. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t let himself hope again for her, because being disappointed a fourth time was not something that he was willing to let happen. Amid the flurry of disgruntled thought streams, he finally found respite in sheer exhaustion somewhere around two in the morning, drifting into a deep and dreamless slumber.

He woke with the dawn and estimated that he’d only gotten a few hours of sleep that night. He ran his hands over his face as if trying to pull the exhaustion from himself and let his thoughts drift blearily back to the events of the previous day. He started a bit remembering who exactly was sleeping on the couch in the living room. He got dressed hastily, roughly shoving his legs into a pair of jeans, and pulling a t-shirt over his head. Lando didn’t go by the same strict dress codes as Empire Financial, so Ben wasn’t worried about his appearance. He usually did try to wear a suit or a pair of slacks into the office out of habit, but today was a different story. He wandered out to the living room vigilantly, and found Rey sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in her hands. She lazily sipped at it while watching some informercial about a home gym on the TV. She glanced over and saw him, and he saw first a flicker of happiness and then just as swift a turning down of the corners of her pink lips as her eyebrows knitted together.

“Y-you’re awake,” she said fretfully, before clearing her throat. “Your uncle has left for the University already,” She held up the cup of coffee as proof. “I suppose I’m still on Eastern time; I woke up a few hours ago.” Her hair was messy around her face, but Ben didn’t let himself dwell too much on how it framed her features or how her hazel eyes always jumped out to him.

“Yeah, um, we should-we should find someplace for you to stay,” he said then, running his hand through his hair, but trying to keep distance between their interactions.

“Yeah,” she said with an air of disappointment in her voice. They passed the moments together without speaking again until he heard her take a deep inhale, “Ben…I think-I think we need to talk.”

He looked at her then and saw something in her eyes. He mentally tried to prepare himself for the impact of whatever hurtful thing would come out of her mouth next. In that moment he decided he would rather take the offensive instead, starting, “Yes, I think we do need to talk. So, let’s talk. Let’s start with, why the hell are you here, Rey?” Her mouth dropped open at this sudden assault, but it only made him keen on continuing. Anything to prolong the inevitable fall she was here to deliver to him.

“What were you thinking? You said you came here for interviews; then why didn’t you find a hotel room? Why come straight here after _whatever_ the hell stunt you pulled on the road? What exactly was your plan?” There was heat in his voice as he looked at her and she shrunk beneath his inquisition.

“My plan-my plan sort of stopped somewhere after ‘take cross country road trip and surprise guy at home’,” she said in an echo that brought a faint memory back to him as she tried to bring some level of humor into her voice.

He pushed past the memory of ice cream and her lips and said, “Rey, I’m fucking serious. Why are you here?” This stopped her in her tracks and the humor faded from her eyes as she looked at him.

“Don’t you-don’t you already know?” were her soft words and he could have been forgiven for not hearing them at first. As it was, he wasn’t sure he _had_ heard her correctly.

“What?” he said dumbly, and she was off the couch and standing in front of him, reaching out for him. He put his hands on her shoulders to keep her at a safe distance, however, and asked again, “What did you say?” She looked hurt by this and he could feel something inside of him screaming for the tears that started to prick at the corners of her eyes.

“I-I want you Ben. That’s why I’m here,” she said, and his entire stomach lurched. “Don’t you want _me_ anymore?” Her voice broke on the word as she processed the rejection, he was giving her.

He should have felt guilty for making her cry, but what welled inside of him was just another bout of anger. “That’s not-That’s not fair!” he said and she was startled out of her grief at his sudden outburst. “You can’t just come in here and-and-and tell me something like that, and then start crying because I need some time to process it.” He took a deep breath, feeling the blood flush his face as he looked at her. “You hurt me, Rey. Really, really bad. I put myself out there to you and you walked away from me…twice! I just-I need some time, ok?” He pushed her gently backwards and she looked like she was going to cry again. God, he felt like he could start crying too.

He wasn’t sure how the tense moment would have ended between the two of them because at that moment they were interrupted by the shrill sound of Luke telephone. His uncle didn’t believe in the modern convenience of an answering machine, telling him instead “If I’m not home, I’m not home” so Ben hastened over to take the call, just in case it was something important.

It was a welcome reprieve from Rey, but he answered the phone a little too sharply all the same. “What?!” and then softened as he recognized the voice on the other end. “Oh, dad. Hi. No, it’s fine. I’m fine, just…a little busy is all.” A pause and then, “Yeah, I’ll give you a call back later. Tell mom I said hi. Ok, bye.” He was breathing a little bit heavy as he set the receiver down.

Rey was looking at him with wonder. She started softly, “You’re talking with your dad again?”

“Yes, Rey, I am,” he said, still not over the flurry of high emotions he was currently riding on. “That’s the whole reason I was in New York, but you probably would have known that if you had bothered to ask. Contrary to popular opinion, my entire world doesn’t revolve around you.”

She stiffened at his words and he immediately felt shame for having said them. “I never said that it did,” she replied moodily, an anger of her own swelling up.

“Goddammit,” he said, breathing heavily. “I’m sorry I said that. Can we just-just stop fighting for like two seconds?”

“If you stop being an arsehole,” Rey replied curtly, and he could have laughed but didn’t.

“Fine, if you stop being a pain in the ass,” he said, and she gave him a hard look.

“Fine.” Rey crossed her arms, looking away from him pointedly, and this did make him laugh. She relaxed as well and then they were both laughing at how ridiculous the entire situation really was.

He quieted and looked at her then, “So, do you want to tell me why you thought it was a good idea to hop on a bus from New York instead of, I don’t know, just calling me?” Ben asked and Rey colored at the question, even though the heat was gone from it.

“Well… I thought it would be…” she trailed off shyly, and he didn’t catch the tail end of the sentence.

“What was that?” he asked, amused.

“I. Thought. It. Would. Be. Romantic,” she repeated and went back to staring at a blank patch on the wall. “I just didn’t expect you to get so upset about it.” He sighed heavily. Upset didn’t quite cover how he felt, but he wasn’t quite as pissed as he had been either now. In fact, he didn’t know exactly how he felt at all at this point. “Besides, I really do have interviews tomorrow.” He looked at her and she was quite serious.

“Okay,” he replied in acknowledgment. “Are you-when do you go back?”

“At the end of the week,” she replied, “I can look for a hotel today, if you want. I don’t want to impose.” Imposing was all she had done on him since they had met nearly two years prior. She had imposed on his thoughts, on his heart, on the very things that he had thought were real and solid. All the same, he couldn’t say any of that out loud.

“No, you can-you can stay,” he replied. “I think I’d be worried you’d manage to get yourself killed otherwise.” She snorted at this but didn’t rebuke him. “Anyway, I need to go to work now. You can stay here if you want. If you go out, the spare key is under the mat.” She nodded at the simple instruction and he grabbed his keys before giving her a backwards glance. She was smiling at him just a little bit and it made him feel somehow lighter.

He rode the falcon at a leisurely pace to the small office that Lando was renting in the heart of San Francisco. It wasn’t much, the old man had said, but it would get their feet wet while they were attracting other wealthy investors. Ben’s main job was to look over presentations from prospects, most of them young, hungry inventors looking to get settled in Silicon Valley, and determine if their clients should invest enough to get the lights on and their startups off the ground. Compared to the bloodthirsty arena of the New York Stock Exchange, this was nothing. Most of the prospects were looking to impress _him_ rather than the other way around, and Lando did most of the schmoozing with his rich clientele. So, unless it was absolutely necessary, he felt completely comfortable in the jeans and t-shirt he had donned that morning. Ben spent the day primarily going over documents and preparing spreadsheets for a new company they had met with that he saw had potential. It was boring and tedious, but there was a steady rhythm that he found in the work. Lando would come and go from the office, and he was primarily the only employee, but had been told that with the way things were already going that he could expect to be involved in helping hire a few new bodies by the autumn.

During his lunch hour he dialed Kay’s studio, hoping that she would be there. One of her artsy friends answered and passed him over to her.

“Ben? What’s up? You normally never call me here,” she said, “I’m sort of in the middle of a whole paint situation right now.”

He explained how Rey had shown up the previous day out of the blue, how he was frustrated that she had been so irresponsible, how she had come on to him just that morning, and how he had shot her down and told her he needed time to think.

“Ben, I’m really failing to see what the major wiggage is about,” Kay said, sympathetically but with a note of impatience. “Isn’t the girl of your dreams knocking down your door to be with you exactly what you wanted? It seems pretty perfect, if you ask me.”

“It’s not-I don’t know, she’s just being so-so…difficult,” he said at last.

“Wow, that doesn’t sound like _anyone_ I know,” Kay said with a laugh and he felt his ire being drawn to his friend who should have been on _his_ side in this situation. “All teasing aside, Ben, you’re the only one who can decide what to do. Can you see yourself saying goodbye again?” Kay had been called away then by a sudden escalation in the “paint situation” and he had been left with his thoughts.

The day ended and Ben stood to stretch out his cramped muscles. He’d really need to talk with Lando about getting better chairs that were made for people whose legs were as long as his were. He thought absently about Rey and realized that most of his irritation had left him after their spat in the morning. Ben still didn’t know if he wanted to get involved with her again yet, but no longer harboring anger toward her seemed like a start. He made the return trek, coasting up and down the steep hills of San Francisco until he coasted to a stop at home. He parked the Falcon next to Luke’s station wagon, slightly relieved that he wouldn’t have to face being alone with Rey again so soon.

When he walked into the living room, the first thing he noticed was a pile of photographs, _his_ photographs, scattered over the expanse of the faded rug. Rey sat in the middle of them while Luke reclined in his favorite chair to observe her.

  
“What are you-what’s going on?” he asked, rushing over to look at what he could only anticipate as carnage. He was surprised to find a stack of assorted folders of all shapes and sizes next to her.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said seeing him, “I just thought-well, you have so many- I thought that maybe I could help put them in albums. I found all of these,” she gestured to the pile of binders, “at the thrift store. I bought as many as I could carry back here. Only, I’ve never had many photographs so…I’m a bit stuck. If you don’t want to, we can put them all back.” Now that he looked, he could see the organization she had tried to give his art. There were piles of pictures of the sea, landscapes, ones with people or animals.

“No, that’s-that’s fine,” he said, not sure what to make of this. He hadn’t asked her to come in and sort through his photos, but now that she had he couldn’t say that he was complaining either. What should have been an invasion of privacy felt somehow…nice? He sunk down to the floor beside her and helped to sort out the stacks. It took them a few hours, but they managed to put all of Ben’s favorites into books where he could peruse them in future with ease. Rey dusted her hands after placing the last book off to the side and moving to get up from the floor. Ben was up first and despite himself held his hand out to her. She looked at it and him for a moment before hesitantly placing her fingers into his palm. He pulled her up easily and it was like there was electricity between them where they had touched.

When Ben went to sleep that night, he thought about Rey just a wall away and found himself wondering how she had _known_. She hadn’t asked him, but she had seen the piles of his photographs and had wanted to bring a stillness to the chaos of his thoughts. He could almost feel himself sinking back into the easy cadence that being with her brought to his life.

The next day she was gone by the time he got up and he found a note, but this time in a tidy scrawl to say that she was merely going to San Jose on the commuter train for her interviews for the day. She even said at the end of the message that she would “see him tonight”. His day passed by slowly enough, falling into the routines he had established. He had his meeting tonight, and actually genuinely looked forward to it as a release from the complicated string of emotions that Rey brought on for him.

When he got home to change out of the button up and work slacks, he wore that day, she was back, just like she’d promised. He ducked into his room, changing back into the casual clothing he tended towards for these nights. He slipped into his leather jacket and walked out to meet Luke who still enjoyed taking him to the small public gymnasium where the meetings were held. When he walked out Rey looked at him with questioning eyes and he explained where he was going that night. She looked surprised at first but then an indeterminate expression crossed her face.

“Can I come?” she asked softly, and he hesitated, looking at his uncle. Luke merely shrugged in a way that said, _‘it’s your choice’_.

“Uh, sure, I guess,” he replied, his hand ruffling through his dark locks. He saw Luke toss him something shiny from the corner of his eyes and reflexively caught it. It was the keys to the Falcon rather than the ones for Luke’s car and he looked at him quizzically.

“I regret not mentioning earlier, nephew, but due to the crippling incompetence of my TA’s, I am now forced to grade freshman research papers by myself. I hope you will pray for me in this trying time,” Luke said, and Ben had the sneaking suspicion that he’d been had. He got on his bike and waited patiently as Rey mounted behind him, and it was as if no time had passed. She held him around the middle like she had that on their first trip to Coney Island and he brought the Falcon roaring to life beneath them.

It was a quick drive to his CA meeting, but the first time he’d done the drive himself. He parked his bike along the curb and waited for Rey to scramble down before getting off himself.

“So, how does this whole… _thing_ …. work?” Rey said anxiously as they walked together up the sidewalk to the entrance.

“I don’t know how to really explain it,” Ben started patiently, “Usually we just sit in the circle and take turns talking. It doesn’t have to be about addiction,” and he could see her almost flinch at the word, “but mostly it is. You don’t-you don’t have to sit inside if you don’t want to.”

She shook her head and said, “No, I think I want to.” He gave her a small jerk of his head in acknowledgment and pulled open the brown painted metal door, letting her lead. He walked her over to the small seating area for family and friends in the corner of the gymnasium and took his position in the circle. He did these meetings twice a week and Lor had introduced him to his sponsee, a thick set man named Brian, at the last session. He went to sit next to him now and Rey watched patiently from her place outside of the group. Ben talked with Brian, exchanging pleasantries, and clapped him on the back with affection before taking his seat.

Lor brought the session to order and all the attendees quieted to listen to him. He began with the preamble and a prayer. Ben wasn’t exactly religious but respected the moment of silence for those who were, besides the words were still…nice and he liked them well enough. Lor encouraged any newcomers to share their story and participate and Ben thought back to his first meeting here, when he had been so strung out on his own loneliness and despair that he had refused to do anything other than offer his name. After a year of coming here every Wednesday and every Saturday, however, the sharing had become natural and even something he enjoyed. Then Lor passed the floor to each member in turn. One member, a middle-aged woman with mousy brown curls, told everyone that her mother had died of cancer the previous day. She had thought of using again during that time but had resisted the urge. She cried during her portion and several regular members got out of their seats to comfort her. This helped her calm herself and she passed the floor with a sniffle. A few members who still had “the look” gave their names but nothing else, just like he had not so long ago. Member after member contributed something to the conversation and finally it was Ben’s turn.

“Ben, what would you like to share with the group this week?” Lor asked, and Ben cleared his throat trying to find the right words as resolution took him.

“I-I had someone come back into my life this week,” he started, “I think it’s a good thing. I wasn’t sure at first, and I got angry again.”

“Anger is a natural feeling,” Lor said, “It’s losing ourselves to the feeling that puts us in danger.”

“Well, I had time to calm down and think about it. I didn’t know at first if I wanted them around anymore, but I think I’d really regret it if I let them walk away again. I really messed it up the first time around, but if it hadn’t been for them, I don’t think I’d be sitting here with everyone. They, uh, they pushed me to confront things about myself that I didn’t want to see. And when they left… I was a little lost. But when I’m with them, I feel like someone actually sees me, the real me; like I’m _found_ , somehow. So, I think, having them in my life again, could be... good.” Ben looked at his hands as he finished and Lor looked at him for a moment.

“Thank you for sharing, Ben” he said, and it was echoed around the room. The rest of the meeting passed rather slowly, but eventually Lor adjourned and Ben stood up. He didn’t know what to expect from Rey after that speech, but he hoped-just maybe…

She joined him at the double doors and looked at him with wide eyes. “Did you mean…all of what you said in there?”

“Come on,” he said and tugged her to the bike. She followed him and mounted behind him again as he drove them not back towards Luke’s house, but towards the crashing waves of the Pacific and a beach where he liked to take photos. He enjoyed the feel of her as she molded around him with each turn of the Falcon. He pulled up to the sandy lot and silently led her down the wooden slatted steps to the beach front. He pulled his shoes off and Rey, with a strange look on her face in the moonlight, followed suit. It was a warm night, the first hints that the spring would lead to a hazy summer.

“Ben,” Rey started, but he stopped her.

“I didn’t want to take you back to my uncle’s house just yet,” he said, and she nodded. He dared to let his hand drift to hers and she accepted the touch. Her hand was warm and solid, though small, in his own. It felt like coming home somehow as he intertwined his fingers with hers. The pair walked along in a peaceful silence on the beach like that for some time as Ben thought of how to phrase what he needed to say to her.

“Rey, I-Well, I think that I want you too,” he started, “But I don’t just want you, I love you with everything that I have.” She squeezed his hand at the words, and he turned to face her and those wide hazel eyes.

“But…” he said and her breath hitched, “I have some small conditions.”

“Wha-?” she questioned and then waited for him to start again.

“First, I want to promise you that I’m never going to lie to you again,” he said, and she nodded at this, “But, I want you to promise that you’re not going to run away again. This,” he gestured to their interlocked hands, “this won’t be easy, I think. It’s probably going to be damned hard. I’ll probably be an asshole again at some point, and you’ll probably be a real pain in the ass,” she let out a small laugh at this. “But, Rey, I can’t do it if I’m constantly worried that you’re going to leave again. If I can’t have you without you having one foot out the door, then I can’t have you at all.” He echoed her own words back to her and she looked at him seriously.

“So, before I say yes to you, can you honestly tell me that you’re here with me for everything? And I mean everything, the whole thing; white picket fence, kids running in the yard, growing old and buying some shitty condo together down in Florida. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Do you-do you want that with me, Rey?”

Tears glimmered in her eyes in the pale light after his speech and she couldn’t do anything else but nod as a sob racked her body. He took her in his arms then and held her as she cried into his chest, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. Finally, she managed to calm herself just enough to whisper into his chest, “Yes, there’s never-it’s always been you, Ben. Always.”

He took her face in his hands then, parting just enough to see her as he cupped her cheek. Their kiss was slow and loving under the light of the stars; there would be time for passion and heat another time. This kiss was a promise.

That night they lay on the sand, just holding each other under the open air. Ben absently rubbed his hand over her shoulder, and she buried herself into his chest as he wrapped his leather jacket around them both. He didn’t know when they’d drifted off, but he awoke to the sound of seagulls squawking somewhere nearby. He felt her stir beside him, clutching him closer for warmth in the damp morning air. He let out a contented sigh as he tightened his arms around her, knowing that whatever the future might hold, she would be right here next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the main part of the story. The next chapter will be a conclusion and then an epilogue at the end. Thanks for reading the story that has become my passion project after the end of TROS.


	29. Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now

_NYC, Late April, 1989_

Rey waited nervously, pacing in front of the mailbox, and wiped her hands on the front of her jeans. Today was the day that if she had passed her thesis defense, she would receive _the letter._ Maz had assured her before the presentation that she had nothing to worry about, and the defense board was already impressed with her work, especially after she had revised it with the visiting professor. Rey had still been incredibly anxious during the oral defense, but with her careful preparation she deftly answered all the questions of the board, including those of one Enric Pryde who was determined to fail her to the last.

“And that, gentlemen, is how my theory could revolutionize the production of computing technology going all the way into the twenty first century,” she finished, and after being given leave she scurried out to the hallway, closing the door behind her. She felt like vomiting, but the worst was over with now.

Rey called Ben almost immediately after the presentation, waiting for the collect call to connect her to California. If it was ten in the morning here in New York, then it was seven in California; Ben wouldn’t have left for the office just yet and she could tell him the news. She didn’t think she would be able to stand waiting until the late hours of the evening to tell him how everything had gone. Ever since that night on the beach, they had been virtually inseparable, much to the detriment to Luke’s long-distance telephone bill.

“Hello?” Ben’s familiar tones picked up, and she felt a flip in her stomach upon hearing him.

“Ben, it’s me,” she said into the phone, “My presentation is done. Oh god, I hope it went well.”

“I’m sure you did great,” he assured her, “And after they formally announce it, you can work on moving out here for good, start at that great job, and we can find a few more beaches now that summer’s almost here.” She rolled her eyes at the wink in his voice that wasn’t concealed even over the static of the payphone.

She thought back to that morning when they’d woken on the beach together. They hadn’t _done_ anything the night before, but the morning after was…a different matter. When she had finally begun to rouse for real, she had been surprised by the slow, deep kisses he had placed on her mouth. They weren’t particularly well concealed, but it wasn’t exactly a busy beach at six in the morning either. They had rolled together in the sand, full of renewed enthusiasm for each other, and she could still feel the grit against her back as he had shown her all the passion he had held back before.

“No, no more beaches,” she groaned, “I still have nightmares about sand in my-” She cut herself off, remembering that she wasn’t in the privacy of her own apartment at the moment.

“In your?” he asked, amusement evident and she felt a blush cross her features.

“Ben, I’m in public,” she hissed.

“ _You’re_ in public,” he replied, “I’m not. So please, continue. And to be fair, I didn’t hear much complaining at the time.”

“I think you’re a pervert,” she laughed, checking to see no one was around.

“Only for you, beautiful,” he responded and even though his sentiment was…less than honorable… she still felt herself go a little lightheaded at his nickname for her.

And so now, two weeks after the presentation and a month after Ben had demanded that she allow him to send her home on a flight instead of a bus, she waited by the post to see how her future would be determined. The mail carrier arrived none too quickly, handing her the bundle of bills and letters. She sorted through until she found the thick envelope and pulled out the embossed letter from the university.

“Miss Rey Jones, we are delighted to extend our heartfelt congratulations and welcome you as a _MASTER OF SCIENCE in Computer Science!”_ she practically screamed the last part, not bothering to read any of the rest of the letter’s contents just yet and scrambled back up the stairs to her apartment. She piled into Rose’s immaculate room and pounced on the bed, waking up her friend. Rose was startled but soon gave into Rey’s enthusiasm as she shook the paper under her friend’s nose. They were both screaming and hugging when Zorii wandered in, yawning with a tired and grumpy expression on her face.

“What are you two,” yawn, “spazzing about?”

“Rey did it, Zorii, she’s all done!” Rose said enthusiastically, and the sleep vanished from their third roommate’s eyes.

“Like, seriously? I mean, chyeah, I knew you were golden,” Zorii responded, and the three celebrated together on Rose’s bed.

_NYC, Early May 1989_

Ben winked at Rey as she passed by him in the processional, decked in her black gown with the golden hood that she had more than earned. She blew him a kiss discreetly before turning her attention back to where she was going. The band blared “Pomp and Circumstance” until the very last pupil was seated, and he waited through the long ceremony. When Rey crossed the stage, he heard airhorns go off, likely Poe and Finn, and he snapped a quick picture before standing up to give a loud whistle. He could see that familiar embarrassed look on her face as she waved to the crowd before crossing the stage to shake hands with her professors.

When the ceremony ended and the graduates all picked up the caps they’d recklessly thrown, he found her and picked her up from behind, swinging her about. She whooped and shrieked with surprise, and he turned her in his arms to smother her in kisses. She laughed at this before pulling his head down to deepen the kiss, flicking her tongue along his bottom lip. It was as if the rest of the auditorium was gone and it was just the two of them until a loud cough interrupted them.

“Get a room, you two,” Poe said with a laugh, and Rey and Ben jumped apart. He and Finn enveloped Rey in a hug, and Poe tipped the front of her cap into her eyes. Rose and Zorii followed not too far behind, and the three girls hugged and jumped with excitement.

The group enlisted Ben to take photo after photo and he happily obliged, wearing out the entire box of film he had bought for the occasion. Ben enjoyed seeing Rey’s entire countenance lit up and made sure to discreetly tuck his favorites into the inside pocket of his jacket before letting the others divide the rest of the spoils.

That night the pair lay tangled up on Rey’s mattress which was now on the floor of her basically empty room. The moving truck was parked on the curb and housed everything she owned, which when it came to it hadn’t been that much. The next morning, Ben and Rey would pull out of the big city together, and make the trek to San Francisco together, but tonight he was enjoying the feel of her pressed against him as she planted sleepy kisses on his chest.

With a sudden movement, he pulled her atop him, and she had to muffle a giggle.

“Again?” she whispered a smile on her face as she felt him beneath her.

“Every chance I can get,” he said, before covering her mouth with a kiss. She let out a soft sigh into him and they lost themselves in the moment.

_Upstate New York, Mid July 1989_

“What…about…your…hair?” Ben said between breaths as Rey pinned him to the wall of the small closet.

“I can fix it,” she panted, reaching for the belt of his trousers. They had both taken a plane back to New York for the weekend for the wedding of Rose and Finn. He dropped her off at the church early that morning so she could supervise the last of the preparations. Everything was going perfectly according to plan, the flowers were here, the venue was decorated, and Rey was completely put together in her bridesmaids’ dress, until she had seen Ben arrive in his full suit.

She was used to him wearing a button up or slacks to work but hadn’t seen him in one of the full three-piece suits he still owned since at least 1987. The effect combined the way his beard cut his jaw was enough that she was dragging him by his tie into a supply closet. He hadn’t resisted her advances and made quick work at pulling the strapless gown down to reveal her small breasts.

As she struggled with the belt, he assisted her and then flipped her so that she was now pinned beneath him on the wall. He hitched her skirts above her thighs and picked her up as if she weighed nothing. In a flurry of pantyhose and tulle he was inside of her and she had to bite down on her lip not to cry out. Given the time constraints they were under, he made quick work of the task, but Rey was satisfied, nonetheless. They would have more time later she knew.

When he was spent, he put his forehead to hers and gave her that full smile that was reserved just for her. She giggled slightly and pressed her lips gently to his now. He let her down easy and she reached for the roll of paper towels to clean off. She cleared her throat, putting her dress back in place as best she could without a mirror, and then anxiously checked out the door of the closet. With no one in sight she exited the closet and Ben followed closely behind her. His tie was askew, and he had lipstick on his face. She blushed a bit at this and wiped it away with her thumb, grinning to herself as she did so. He grabbed her wrist before she could pull away completely and lay a kiss into her open palm, and she gently ran her fingertips over his cheek.

“I love you,” he said, and she felt something in herself lock into place with the words.

“I love you too,” she replied, and stretched to give him a kiss on the cheek before going off in search of a bathroom to repair the damage they had done. Mercifully she was still mostly put together, just a little mussed from their encounter. She reapplied her lipstick and fixed a pin in her hair that had come loose.

Rey rejoined her friends in the small back dressing room and walked over to Rose who was starting to hyperventilate slightly. Rey placed her hands on her friend’s shoulders, her fingers rubbing over the red silk of the traditional dress. “You look beautiful, Rose,” she said, and her friend looked at her, wiping at the corners of her eyes to avoid messing up the expertly applied mascara.

“Ok, help me up,” she asked and Zorii and Rey worked to bring her to her feet. Rose placed the intricate headdress on and her mother smoothed the front of the dress where a beautiful cascading pattern of stars and moons flowed in ornate golden embroidery. Rose’s mother said something in Vietnamese that Rose answered, and then she took her father’s arm.

Rey, Zorii, and Rose’s older sister, Paige, lined up in the procession ahead of the bride and with a striking of organ music proceeded into the church where Finn and Poe were waiting. The ceremony was beautiful, and Rey had to stop herself from crying after Rose recited the words she’d been practicing for months to her new husband. Rey looked at Ben who was sitting in the audience and found that his eyes were already trained on her. She smiled at him, and he smiled back.

Later that evening, when Rey felt that she couldn’t possibly do another round of the “YMCA” she walked hand in hand with Ben to the small pavilion that lay behind the church. She had of course kicked off her shoes as he had predicted she would, and so he was carrying them in his opposite hand for her. The music was a dull roar behind them, but as they reached the gazebo, she could hear a rendition of something that brought back memories for her.

“Isn’t this?” she asked him, and he strained his ears to listen as well.

“I believe we shared our first dance to this song,” he said, pulling her close to him as they swayed to the muted notes. It had been over two years since they had met in a bar in Greenwich Village, and they stood before each other now as different people then they once were. It seemed a lifetime ago now.

“Well, second dance, really,” she laughed, “If you count _‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’.”_

“Fine, second. But I seem to recall this particular dance being interrupted. Care to pick up where we left off?” he asked her playfully, and she giggled at the recollection of an angry Zorii disrupting the moment that would have led to a first kiss. As it was Rey wrapped her arms around his strong neck and with a tug brought him down to her level. He cupped her cheek and deepened the kiss. Rey thought absently that she could stay like this all night.

_San Francisco, Late September 1989_

“Ben, you’ve already shown this me a hundred times by now,” Rey said as he pulled her into the darkroom with him. He had graduated from the polaroid camera to one that used strips of film when he had started taking a local community college course on photography the previous month. To say he was obsessed was an understatement and he came back to her after every session talking about words like “aperture” and “exposure”. When it had come time to start developing his film he had been eager and before she knew it he was dragging her to the college to show her his photos as they developed like magic in the solution.

“Ok, ok, but just one more time?” he asked her, as he turned on the red safety light.

“Fine, but I fully expect you to reward my patience with Chinese food,” she said, and he grinned at her.

“I think I can manage that,” he replied, turning to his camera. He extracted the roll of film and prepared it with military precision. He never did these things in halves, and with continual repetition was now only second to his teacher in his skills. Rey watched him as his broad shoulders hunched over the negatives he had prepared, selected one and went about processing it for development. He took it with a pair of tongs, and she watched as he dropped it into the first chemical bath. This was where he had told her the magic happened. The blank piece of photo paper magically began to fill in, and her eyes widened at the image.

She looked at him and looked back at the photo with disbelief. He moved it carefully to the next bath, and the next and then hung it to dry before turning to her. She felt like she could cry as she looked at the image of a large sign with the words, “Will you marry me?” on it. Before she could catch her breath, she saw him sink down in front of her, pulling out a little box.

“What do you say?” he asked, and she began to cry then. She practically tackled him to the ground, her lips crashing on his with force. He put his arm around her waist to draw her in closer and when they finally pulled apart, he said, “I’ll take that as a yes?”

“Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes,” she cried, stroking his face and he kissed her on the forehead. She let him place the ring on her finger then, and had to pull back to admire it in the red glow. She was going to marry this boy, she thought happily.

_San Francisco, Late December 1989_

“Is everything ready?” Rey asked her husband as she flitted around their small apartment. Her friends should be arriving anytime now. They were joining them all in San Francisco now to escape the bitter cold of New York City for New Year’s Eve.

“Of course, it is,” Ben replied with good humor. Rey was prone to this kind of fretting, just like she had been the night before their wedding only a few weeks prior. He looked happily at the photograph he had framed and placed on the wall.

They hadn’t wasted any time in getting married once the news had broken to Ben’s mother. She had insisted that they hold the wedding at the small church in his Long Island hometown. He hadn’t protested and Rey had told him that she didn’t see the point in a long engagement. After all, they had already waited long enough to be together. When that was settled and Rey had told Rose and Zorii of her plans, they helped to orchestrate the entire affair with Leia from three thousand miles away. Rey hadn’t really had to do much of anything, and since the guest list was quite small it hadn’t been the work of two months before the plans were set and in place.

They had flown together again to New York, but Rey was still worried that maybe Ben wouldn’t be satisfied with how quick everything had come together. Since she had had very little in the way of planning, she hoped that he wouldn’t be disappointed. With some persuasive reasoning on his part that may or may not have involved her crying out his name once…or maybe twice, she had calmed down.

When the day arrived, he was just as nervous though. He knew that Rey was it, the last and only woman he would ever love, and so this logical progression had been easy enough. But he still felt anxious. He had seen his parents fight so often as a child and teenager, and he didn’t want that fate for his own marriage. Sure, his parents _seemed_ to have sorted their differences now, but he knew it had been an incredibly rough road.

He adjusted the bowtie of his tuxedo in the mirror and heard the door click behind him. In the mirror’s reflection he could make the out the grizzled figure of his father and paused before turning around. He had never recalled his father seeming so…emotional? The old man was clearing his throat as he took in his only son, dressed in his wedding best.

Han stepped into the room and approached Ben. The tension that this kind of movement might have once occasioned had long since dissipated. Ben had come to find that his father was very similar to him in many regards, or maybe the other way around, and through this knowledge had started to learn how to communicate with him. Han still had a hard time saying things like “I love you” or “I’m sorry”, but Ben found that the old man tried other ways to make up for their past. Even now, Han clapped Ben on the shoulder and readjusted the bowtie that Ben had been fumbling with earlier. It had been a slow process, but both of them had worked hard to get to this point. There was still a lot of work left, but Ben thought that this was definitely something.

After making sure the groom was well in hand, Han turned to leave again, but looked over his shoulder and said to Ben for the second time in his life, “I’m proud of you, son.” The words came easier to him this time and Ben nodded, a small smile on his face.

Ben settled into his place on the alter then, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot. His Uncle Luke looked at him from where he stood to officiate. Rey and Ben had both been shocked to find out that Luke was ordained for some reason or other, but the old man merely shrugged when asked for the story. Armitage Hux stood behind Ben, along with Poe and Finn who looked incredibly pleased to be groomsmen for their little “Rey Rey”. The music started up then and Ben felt like his soul was transported the moment he saw her. He didn’t think he’d ever seen something quite so radiant as Rey in that white dress that her friends had chosen for her. She blushed as he made eye contact with her and had to consciously tell himself to close his slackened jaw. They both erupted into smiles as she stepped up to face him there. The entire crowd tittered until Luke silenced them with a look before starting in with “Dearly beloved, as you may have guessed we are gathered to join these two in the bonds of matrimony…” The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur and before Ben knew it his uncle gave him the cue, “You may kiss your bride.”

He did so with a flourish and Rey laughed a little bit under his lips, but the sound was drowned by the raucous cheers and applause from their small band of family and friends. Leia captured the moment between them with a flash of Ben’s camera. He had given her the basic instructions the day before and later when he developed the photographs was happy to see that she was a careful shot, despite the tears that had flowed like rain from her eyes that day.

They hadn’t really had time for a honeymoon, but Lando had promised him a rather large bonus that he could use in the new year to take Rey to wherever she wanted to go. But now, the business of saying goodbye to the final hours of the decade was upon them.

All of Rey’s friends arrived on schedule and Kay joined them happily. Zorii held up a ring of her own when she and Poe arrived. After several exclamations of surprise and a few sheepish looks from Poe the tale came out that they had stopped in Las Vegas on the way to San Francisco and eloped, inspired by the marriages of all of their friends. Finn came with Rose who was approximately four months pregnant by that point and just starting to show. She would be abstaining from alcohol that night but was still excited to see the fireworks from the beach. Ben promised that it would be quite the show, having seen it himself just the year prior.

After much anticipation they all piled into the back of Kay’s practically antique van around ten and headed down to get good seating for the show. The night was chilly and damp, but that didn’t seem to matter to the group who passed a bottle of champagne around a bonfire just like they had on a beach on Montauk years ago. Everyone kept an eye on their watches as they looked out over the rolling waves of the pacific. Finally, someone started the countdown, Ben and Rey joining in together with the crowd

“Seven…. six…five…four…three…two…ONE!” the group said, and as if on cue the sound of Auld Lang Syne thundered out over the bay as fireworks began to shoot sparks of red and blue into the air. Ben embraced Rey as the other couples around them kissed as well to ring in the end of the decade, and the start of one new.

“Happy New Year, Mrs. Solo,” he said, looking into those hazel eyes.

“Happy New Year, Mr. Solo,” she responded in kind. “So, the nineties, huh? Seems like a new adventure.”

Ben nodded and thought about it for a moment before saying, “Yeah, but I don’t know how it’s going to top the eighties.” She smiled and kissed him again and he thought that even if the eighties were over with now, they would always live on for him in the way that she looked at him.

_San Francisco, Early April 2020_

Rey sipped at a glass of wine and adjusted her glasses as she flipped through the photo album in front of her. Her husband’s hand had only gotten better with the passage of age, as illustrated by the many framed photos that adorned the walls of their home. Her entertainment system was softly playing music in the background and she perked her ears as the first beats of a song she vividly remembered began to play. _“Swaying room as the music starts…”_

She began to sing along as she looked through each page. Some of these pictures were at least thirty years old. It was like taking a trip back to the past and she could remember sitting on a faded old rug to place these photos. 

The song paused then, and she turned to see Ben, approaching her with an amused smile on his face. His eyes crinkled with laugh lines that at sixty he had more than earned, as he ran a hand through the salt and pepper hair that surrounded his face. “I thought you didn’t like Madonna.”

“I was feeling nostalgic,” she joked, and he plopped down next to her to observe what she was doing. He wrapped a long arm around her shoulders, and she leaned into him. “Kira called, she wanted to know if her famous dad still had time to do her maternity photos. I still can’t believe we’re going to be grandparents, to be honest.”

“I’ll make time,” he said happily. Ben was currently preparing for his impending retirement from Calrissian & Solo and was looking forward to spending more time preparing his first gallery debut. “Kay’s been bothering me for the details for my show; she says she needs them to prepare the program. You know I don’t really have names for any of my work. I still can’t believe she tricked me into this.”

“Oh, hush,” Rey said with a smile, “You’re excited for everyone to see your photographs and you know it.”

“Maybe a little bit,” he relented, and his mouth tugged up at the corner in the crooked grin that lit him up from within. “So, what’s all of _this_?” He gestured to the spread of old photo albums that she had pulled out.

“Oh, that. I was looking through them to see if I could find my favorite. Besides, I think your early work was some of your most expressive,” she said and went back to perusing the photos.

“Yeah, before I had any idea what composition was,” he laughed, looking at about a dozen different polaroids of the Golden Gate Bridge from various angles. “But honestly, I don’t think any of these are my favorites.”

“Oh?” Rey quirked an eyebrow to him, and he reached behind him to pull his wallet out. From inside he tugged a yellowed strip and handed it to her. Rey’s breath caught in her throat as she looked at the pair of them when she had forced him into that cramped photo booth. They looked so…young, but even after thirty years of marriage and two children, she could still recall how he had kissed her that night in a way that made her head spin. She handed it back to him and wondered how even after all these years he still knew how to make her stomach do little flips.

“Anyway, enough about that. I was thinking this weekend we might take the Falcon out for a spin; I hear the weather is supposed clear up,” he said, leaning closer to her as he put his wallet down on the coffee table. “Maybe we could bring a basket, find a _beach_ somewhere.” He gave her a wink and she attempted to look scandalized at him but didn’t succeed.

She hit resume on the music then and looked at the face of the love of her life, “Ben Solo, I do believe you are flirting with me.”

_‘It’s all brand new, I’m crazy for you…”_

“Never stopped,” he said with a smirk and kissed her gently, leaning her back into the cushions of their couch. The only thing that Rey could think in that moment was that she was completely and inexorably happy in the arms of the man who was her all and her everything. For now, and forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on beefing up the spotify playlist with all music I've referenced in this fic, as well as the following character themes. The title of this chapter is also Rey and Ben's couple theme.
> 
> Rey: Alone-Heart  
> Ben: Caught Up in You – 38 Special  
> Couple Theme: Nothings Gonna Stop Us – Starship  
> Zorii: Material Girl – Madonna  
> Poe: Fight for Your Right – Beastie Boys  
> Rose: Modern Woman – Billy Joel  
> Finn: Bust a Move – Young MC  
> Bazine: You Give Love a Bad Name – Bon Jovi
> 
> Let me know in the comments if anyone would interested in fluffy supplement one shots to this that explore a little bit of the nineties, any character backstory (Luke's "spirit journey" comes to mind) or any other related topics. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> Also, for anyone wanting to keep following my writing, I'm starting another fic that's set in a modern AU. Sort of a girl next door Reylo situation.

**Author's Note:**

> Spotify playlist for all chapters currently released.
> 
> [The Eighties are Forever Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7JAGWufKiW6QLFHsrQ0mVN)


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